Helping Your Child Understand Gender Identity in a Confused Culture

In 1995 I was only fourteen years old. But I was expected to make a judgment on a legal case that was surprisingly convoluted. In this case, issues of race, spousal abuse, economics, whistle-blowing, and media responsibility all converged. And yet here I was, only fourteen, expected to render a verdict upon whether or not this man was guilty of murdering his wife and her “friend.”

Did OJ do it? That was the question that forced itself upon our young minds. As football fans, and maybe a few Leslie Nielsen fans, we were invested in the outcome of the trial. Every person in our class was forced to answer this question, legal scholar or not.

Times were much simpler then. Today, the questions are more personal. Deeply personal. Back then we were debating whether if the gloves didn’t fit, we’d have to acquit. But children and teenagers today are being asked what gender they identify with.

As parents we can clutch our pearls and wax eloquent about bygone days, or we can engage our children in the confusing world in which they live. Just as that question about OJ Simpson pressed upon us, this question is pressing upon them. Like it or not, it’s one they’ll have to answer. How can we help them navigate gender identity in a confused culture? Here are a few tips.

1. Position Your Own Heart

Parenting is tough work. I think we’d all have to admit that at times (probably more than we’d like to admit) our own identity is wrapped up in our children. This can be dangerous for us and for our kids. If we attach our own self-worth to our children, we’ll put weight upon them which they cannot bear. And it will also position us to respond poorly to their questions.

Before even thinking about engaging my children on issues of gender identity, I need to make sure that the gospel has done work in my own heart. Perfect love casts out fear. And perfect love is found in the finished work of Jesus. My identity is not found in whether or not my kids walk a certain path set out for them. My identity is fixed in Christ, even if my children abandon the faith. That’s not to say that their faith, or their own identity being rooted in Christ, doesn’t matter. But it’s to say that I also need Jesus.

Having my identity fixed in Christ keeps me from responding in fear. I have worked with teenagers for a couple decades now. In this time, I’ve witnessed many parents drive their children away by angry and controlling responses. When a parent is unable to trust the Spirit to lead and guide their kids, it inevitably leads to a break in that relationship when the child doesn’t meet expectations. As parents, we must fully entrust our kids to the Lord’s work.

Furthermore, if our own hearts are soaked in the gospel, we will position questions like this one properly. If we’re prone to idolatry we’ll get things all out of order. It’s not wrong to want our children to follow Scripture in their sexual ethic. But if that desire takes the throne of our heart, it’ll cause us to put an emphasis in the wrong place. Getting the question about gender identity “right” but the gospel wrong isn’t really a victory. Likewise, what if they get this question about gender “wrong” but the gospel right? Can we entrust them to the work of the Spirit? I know that is complicated and muddy — but we must put things in their proper order.

Everything flows out of the gospel of Christ. Because of this, we must position our own hearts firmly in the good news of Jesus. Then we can move towards teaching our children.

2. Teach God’s Design for Humanity, but Beautifully and Not Contrarian

We live in a polarized culture. We often hear more about what people are against instead of what they are for. Christian parents cannot join in this. We have an absolutely beautiful picture of God’s creation of male and female. It is a thing of beauty. Yes, it is broken and marred because of sin, but there is still absolute beauty here.

We should happily teach that “God made them male and female” but not in a way that is apologetic or even combative. Rather in a way that is similar to saying, “Isn’t that sunset beautiful? Isn’t that Grand Canyon breath-taking?”

Gospel presentations do best when they begin with creation instead of the fall. Start the conversation on gender here. Go back to God’s design. Not in a way that is sticking it to those who disagree, but in a way that evokes wonder. Yes, teach on how the Bible speaks of gender and sex. You can even teach on how our culture is redefining these words. But do it with delight.

3. Frame It with the Fall

Issues of sexuality and gender are hot topics of conversation. They have been for quite a few years now. But if we can turn down the heat and think about this as we might think about other issues, we would be helped. Imagine that your child is struggling with some sort of body dysmorphic disorder. Let’s say that your daughter is 5’0 and weighs about 80 pounds but when she looks in the mirror, she truly sees someone that is morbidly obese. And as a result, she engages in self-destructive behaviors like anorexia. How would you address the issue?

If we truly believe that for the most part these are issues of gender dysphoria, why would we not engage similarly? Yes, our culture has made this far more complicated. In the above instance they’d be telling your daughter that she truly is morbidly obese but she should embrace that. But even doing it this way, can we not see that there is likely a motivation to help someone that is hurting (even if we’d strongly disagree with their remedy)?

The reality is that we’re all combatting the fall. That is not only the impact of the fall upon our bodies but also upon our minds. And it is further compounded by our dedication to rebellion instead of redemption. Whether it be gender dysphoria, swallowing unbiblical ideologies, or a host of other things, we’re all just dealing with the impact of living in a Genesis 3 world.

One child might be struggling with gender identity and another kid is struggling with getting their identity by being the best basketball player on the team. They share the same common root. It’s all a result of partaking of forbidden fruit and realizing that we’re naked. It’s all about hiding behind fig leaves and bushes. Regardless of the issue, it really comes back to this grand story. Yes, it has often baffling, painful, and consequential particulars — but it’s still part of being both broken and rebellious. And hopefully as followers of Jesus we understand that screaming down the fall doesn’t do anything to provide a remedy.

At the end of the day our only hope is going to be found in Jesus.

4. Center Our Answers in the Gospel

Consider Paul’s words in Philippians 3. Look at all of those things where he was finding his identity. You could easily put in gender dysphoria, hyper-masculinity, or any other disordered gender issue into that list. Sure, that wasn’t part of Paul’s specific story, but it holds the same root — finding our identity and worth outside of Christ. Now notice what happens when Paul not only encounters Jesus but grows in finding his identity in Christ. He counts those things as rubbish. It utterly transforms him.

I suppose that doesn’t mean that Paul never had some of those old tendencies of thinking like a Pharisee or persecuting enemies instead of reasoning with them. Or maybe he was entirely rescued from these things. But either way they aren’t his fundamental identity. That is found in Christ. Jesus gets the last word over Him.

I really think this is what we do in discussing these things with our children — whether it be issues of gender or anything else as parents. Center it in the gospel. It’s almost comical how I’ve seen stuff like this with my own children. There have been principles and such that we’ve tried to instill in our kids since they were very young. And at times it has felt like banging your head against the wall. You can say the same thing over and over and over again and it seems like it isn’t making a dent. But one experience with the living God and total transformation happens. Then suddenly all those old lessons we’d taught them take root and grow.

No matter what your kid is struggling with, we need to know that our only hope is the work of Christ. It’s difficult to do this, but we have to entrust them to His work. And that might mean going through seasons of gender confusion. But if we’re trusting in the goodness of God and the power of the gospel, it allows us to be a non-anxious presence as we lovingly share how we view that God has made the world.

And even if this isn’t the struggle your kid has, but you’re wanting to teach them how to engage, it is still this path. Help them see everyone through the lens of the gospel. Help them know that this isn’t about winning an argument, but about God captivating hearts in Christ.

5. Be a Safe Space for Any Questions

If you’ve done all of these, I can almost guarantee that this fifth point will come naturally. But it needs to be said. With my own children I’ve tried to make certain that they know I am always a safe space for any question they have. I’ve built that by not responding like a mad man when they’ve asked questions that made me uncomfortable. I’m thankful for God’s grace in that.

I need my kids to know that no matter what, they can ask anything and they are still going to be loved and accepted. I’m able to do this because I truly believe that God is big enough to captivate any heart. I know that their questions are only leading them back to Him. I don’t have to be afraid of them. So, I can create that safe space for them. It’s usually where God shows up. But, man, it’s scary sometimes.

I don’t mean to be overly simplistic here, but my answer to this question is pretty simple. How do you help your child understand gender identity in a confused world? The same way you do with all the other questions — you tether it to the gospel story.

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Photo credit: Pexels/Tim Mossholder