How Can Moms Keep Their Identity in the Midst of Sleepless Nights and Diaper Changes?

It’s happened. The new little one has arrived. There is the joy, the elation, the tears, the hormones, the multiple feedings a night, and endless diaper changes. Let’s not forget the adorable clothes, the nursery, the pudgy little hands and feet, elbows and knees, and the attention that is showered upon the little one.

Somewhere, in the midst of it all, you have that moment. Sometimes it creeps up on you slowly and then, without warning, it pounces. Other times, it’s there almost from the start, strangling you with a vicious grip. It’s the realization that you don’t know who you are anymore. You are now known as the baby’s mom. Your daily routine has become monopolized by the most adorable and helpless creature, and yet, in a weird and almost awful way, you’re a little bit resentful.

And who can be resentful of an innocent baby? Certainly not its own mother. But—especially with your first-born child—a mother can go through some of the most difficult transitions after their birth and into the toddler years. It’s true! Because, whether fueled by tradition or circumstance or nature, the mother is innately intertwined with her child in a way that the father is not. The mother is the source of nutrition, she is the nurturer, and in many cases, she is the only one that can offer the truest comfort. While this is a deep and sacred honor, it is also one that can strip the mother of her own personal identity. She is no longer known for her accomplishments, her intellect, or her talents and abilities. Instead, and often, her identity becomes that of her child. While there is a segment of women that see absolutely no problem with this and may even embrace it, there are also women who grieve the loss of who they were prior to their child. This makes it all the worse because then they usher in feelings of guilt, betrayal toward the child, and worse, if there truly is resentment, it can become downright icky.

So how can moms keep their identities amid raising a newborn, and how can they keep perspective when the baby needs all of them to survive and be physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy?

It starts with your perspective of yourself. Take some time to recenter your perspective on who you have been, who you are now, and who you want to be—especially now that an infant has entered the equation. Consider the fact that the you before your baby is still very much there. She hasn’t disappeared; she’s only added to her list of accomplishments and responsibilities. But having a baby doesn’t mean the child is your identity. In fact, that’s not even a healthy place to be as a new mother. Your infant should not bear the weight of becoming what you are identified for. He or she has become an integral part of your life, yes, but one day, they will step away from your umbrella and you will still be there. A whole person. So, there is no reason to melt into the perception that you equal baby. Realign your perspective. You are an individual. You are not defined by the fact you are a mother. You are, instead, adding “mother” to your resume of who you are as person. But adding that to your resume does not erase the other identifiers that make you who you are.

Don’t lose sight of the future. 

This is another way to keep track of your identity. You are in just one season of your life. A season that involves one of the greatest gifts of being a woman: motherhood. This is a joyful season and even a coveted one. But while you’re there, don’t forget that as your little one grows, they will become more independent. You will return to a place you’ve been before. A place where you can chase your own dreams, ambitions, hobbies, and talents. So, while you’re in these moments with your infant, cherish them. Soak them in. If you’re struggling with feeling like you’re losing yourself, step back for a moment and remember the future will be here sooner than you expect, and you’ll probably miss these days. So hold the little one close.

Avoid the pitfall of guilt. 

It is okay to long for time alone. To want to shower and fix your hair. To miss the moments of silence when you could curl up with a book for some “me-time.” The reality is that may not be possible right now—and that’s okay. But what’s also okay is missing those days. There is no shame and guilt for wishing you could sleep for even six hours straight. There shouldn’t be shame in walking past a mirror, feeling frumpy, and wishing you could take time to fix yourself up. To be the woman you were before having a child changed everything from the texture of your hair, to your pant size, to the shadows beneath your eyes. It’s also okay to take some time to shower, to comb your hair, to apply some eye liner and mascara. It is okay to exert some effort to take care of yourself without feeling guilty for it. The thing is, there will be days you miss the old you—and that’s okay. There will also be days you take care of yourself, and that is also okay. One of the ways to avoid losing yourself in the midst of raising a newborn is to not allow yourself to buy into self-shaming. Your baby loves you frumpy, and your baby will be okay if you set them down for a bit in order to take a few moments for yourself.

Give yourself permission to ask for help. You do not need to be super-mom. If you’re blessed to have parents in the area, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. It’s okay to admit you need to have an hour to yourself, or that you and your spouse need an evening out to just talk and be a couple again. Consider hiring a babysitter or engaging the assistance of someone you trust. It is important for you to take time to re-center yourself in your marriage and as an individual. It’s not selfish to take some time to be still. It is healthy to focus on your spiritual walk, to tend your physical needs, and to stabilize yourself emotionally. Your husband will appreciate it. Your infant will sense your restful spirit over the stressed, maxed-out, frenetic one you left behind. So, repeat this sentence: it is okay to ask for help.

New moms will literally run the gamut of emotions. Guilt, jealously, resentment, awe, joy, love—you can even experience all of these emotions within an hour! So, if you’re a mother who is living out her lifelong dream to be a mom, or if you’re a mother whose already missing her day job, the fact is, you still need to give yourself grace. The Lord gives you grace, and He’s made great plans for you. So why not lean into it and know that in the midst of the mothering, you’re still very much you.

Jaime Jo Wright is an ECPA and Publisher’s Weekly bestselling author. Her novel “The House on Foster Hill” won the prestigious Christy Award and she continues to publish Gothic thrillers for the inspirational market. Jaime Jo resides in the woods of Wisconsin, lives in dreamland, exists in reality, and invites you to join her adventures at jaimewrightbooks.com and at her podcast madlitmusings.com where she discusses the deeper issues of story and faith with fellow authors.