5 Ways Screens Can Destroy Your Relationship with Your Kids
- Kali Dawson Crosswalk Contributor
- Published Aug 01, 2023
When we were kids, the phone in our home was attached to a cord on the wall. We had a little T.V. with a time limit. And the computer was in our living room, where everyone had to take turns, and our parents always knew what we were doing. Fast forward to today: now, our smartphones are in our hands. There's likely more than one T.V. in our homes, and we carry our computer screens with us literally everywhere we go.
It's no secret for any parent that screen time and screen accessibility have increased dramatically. Screens can be an excellent tool for education, or if you're like us and you have a medical child: they can also be great for distraction during procedures when nothing else works. Screens can be great if your child is sick and needs a remedy or you're curious and need to use Google and read a Medical Study. Screens can be wonderful for keeping us in touch and connected with relatives and friends who we otherwise wouldn't see regularly. Having the ability to video call also gives us many benefits that I'm sure many would have only wished for in years gone by.
When our son endured a long-term hospital stay and couldn't have outside visitors, screens enabled him to keep in touch with the people he loves. Depending on our situation, screens can add so many benefits to our lives that did not exist in the past. So I certainly can't sit here and write negatively about screens when they are used as a tool to help and enhance our lives. However, although screens can do a lot of good, they can also do a lot of harm when it comes to parenting if they aren't used with care and caution. So here are five ways screens can destroy our relationships with our kids if we aren't careful:
1. Screens provide us a way of escape when our kids are stressing us out:
Let's face it: parenting is stressful. And often, picking up our phones and distracting ourselves can be what feels like a quick form of self-care—a way to calm down. The problem with this in parenting is that parenting provides so many teachable moments, and when our eyes are on our screens, we miss some of those moments without even realizing it. I'm not writing about anything here that I haven't experienced or done myself, and I'm certainly not pointing a finger because there would be more pointing back at me.
I can think about a situation when our oldest son was angry and couldn't calm down. Nothing seemed to resolve the issue. I told him I needed a minute to check my phone, and I did: calming myself down and, in turn, leaving him festering in his anger and stomping up to his room. What we really needed to do and, of course, ended up doing was to talk the issue out like he needed to. My screen time interrupted my parenting time at that moment, and even though it was only short-lived, I felt terrible about it afterward. I never want my kids to think that screens are more important than their issues. Being mindful of this is huge in a society where constant busyness and continual distractions for parents are paramount.
2. Screens can get in the way of meaningful conversations we need to have with our kids:
This ties into number one: we needed to have a meaningful conversation about anger and coping mechanisms that day. I was able to circle back, and we eventually did. Sometimes, what happens, though, is when our kids see us on our screens frequently: they don't approach us with those tough or inquisitive questions that often lead to deep and meaningful conversations; because they can see that we are already busy.
As a parent working primarily from home, it can be easy to be busy. So it's necessary, regardless of our occupations, to find balance. When my husband worked outside the home, he was in a position that tied him to his phone: and eventually needed to set boundaries. Certainly not easy to do, but so necessary. From the various jobs we've had over the years, we both know that you're always replaceable at work but never replaceable as a parent.
3. Excessive screen time pulls us away from our kids altogether:
My husband and I went through this to a degree after going through a great deal of medical trauma: falling into the vortex of excessive screen time. Checking our phones way too much. I once sat back and counted how many minutes in between each time we would check our phones: and I regret now to say that it wasn't many minutes until we picked them up again. One thing we both did was work on extending that amount of time. We worked on putting our phones down when we were all together as a family. We worked on pulling ourselves out of something that slowly became a habit without our knowledge.
As mentioned at the beginning, I can remember my mom on the phone maybe a few times throughout the day, but not 200. All those little checks add up. They become excessive and literally steal us away from our kids, even when we're in the same room with them.
4. Our kids may feel that our screens are more important than they are:
Sadly, most kids have felt this at one point or another: that our phones are more important than them. This is no different than kids feeling like our jobs are more important than them, etc. As parents, it all comes down to what we prioritize, and it's obvious to any of us that we should prioritize our kids. I knew my parents were busy when I was growing up, and I knew they had things that needed to get done, but I also knew that when I went to them with something important, I was their top priority. We can let our kids know this by dropping what we're doing when they need us and picking it back up when we're done; when it's not possible to do this, we can set a time when it's possible for us to give them our undivided attention and hold to that promise.
5. Screens and what we view on them can leave us feeling unhappy or unsatisfied and, in turn, affect how we parent our kids:
I saved the best for last here because I think this one is important for every single one of us to remember: screens and what we view on them can change the way we feel and alter the trajectory of our days:
Maybe you're feeling sad about something, and watching a funny video makes you smile, which we could say is a good thing. But maybe you're having a great day, and then you view or read something on your phone screen that leaves you feeling the opposite way: unhappy or even unsatisfied. I think for myself this is what I try to remember the most, even though screens can be an excellent tool, they can also impact how I feel, and so it's good and often necessary to step back and take a break and instead find joy in what God has placed right in front of me right now; For me, that's my kids.
"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." -Philippians 4:8.
