How to Handle Peer Pressure in Parenting
- Cheryl Gilbert Crosswalk Contributing Writer
- Updated Jul 08, 2022
“You’re going back to work already?!”
“I read online that any exposure to screens causes ADHD.”
“I make my own vegetable purees so that we can avoid the packaged stuff!”
Whether solicited or not, we’re all inundated with parenting advice from so many sources. And while much of it is genuinely well-intentioned (including the above comments, which may feel like thinly veiled ridicule), parenting peer pressure is a legitimate dilemma for parents. Even when we seek to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit faithfully, it is sometimes difficult to discern what is truly from God as opposed to just a strong opinion from a Christian friend. We know that God has entrusted our children to our care and that He expects us to “Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them…eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:2-3). As Christian parents, we must seek wisdom from God for our child-rearing decisions while also being careful not to criticize or pressure other parents.
If I asked ten parents to name their favorite source of parenting advice, I’d bet on getting ten different answers. An Amazon search for books on parenting produces over 60,000 results. Change your search to include only Christian parenting books, and you still have over 10,000 results. So the only thing we learn from this search is that there are myriad opinions on parenting, be they from doctors and child development experts or your favorite mom blogger or pastor. In generations past, new parents typically turned first to their own parents for advice and may have also consulted a book or a friend. Parents today, however, have endless resources at their fingertips. Many turn to Google or social media first for parenting advice. While the internet can certainly be a valuable resource, it can also be a breeding ground for parenting peer pressure. That’s not to say that the web is the only place you can fall victim to this issue; parenting groups, play dates, or even a trip to the grocery store can expose us to all kinds of parenting pressure and unsolicited advice. Just as we need to teach our children how to recognize and withstand peer pressure in their own lives, as parents, we should be on guard against succumbing to it as well.
Most parents deal with insecurities when it comes to raising children; this starts during pregnancy and - let’s face it - may not ever truly end. We always want to do what’s best for our children, so they grow up to be happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults. Sadly, our culture has become an environment in which those insecurities can lead to competition or ridicule. We are constantly viewing others’ carefully curated highlight reels and measuring ourselves against unrealistic standards and unreasonably high expectations, but it goes even beyond that. As a society, we seem to have lost the ability to disagree respectfully. Whereas a family’s decisions on breastfeeding, vaccinations, schooling, and more used to be fairly private, personal decisions, they now lead to personal attacks. Parenting is challenging enough on its own, and while we all recognize the adage “it takes a village,” many of us are dwelling in villages that are causing us to question our own parenting abilities and decisions - or worse, to take aim at the parenting choices of others. So, how to recognize parenting peer pressure for what it is, and what strategies can we employ to withstand it?
First, know what’s important to you.
Every child and every family is different. Early on in your child-rearing experience, do a deep dive to discern your family values. Decide what things are non-negotiables in your household and what things you’re going to prioritize. Knowing what matters to your family will help you both recognize and resist the pressure to give in to someone else’s way of doing things. If your family decides that ten years old is too young to watch PG-13 movies, having a “why” behind that choice will help you stick to your decision and will enable you to explain the decision to your child when it means missing a friend’s birthday party where the group plans to watch Morbius. Explain your family values and what’s behind them to your child, particularly those based on biblical truth. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 says, “Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Likewise, knowing your “why” will help you decide with intention when or if you’re willing to make exceptions, rather than being pressured into making a change.
Next, trust your instincts, do your own research, and pray.
With the plethora of advice, it’s sometimes difficult to discern what’s true. Some aspects of parenting have shifted over time because we’ve learned new things through science and research, and some have shifted due to trends or technology. Making parenting decisions based on social media headlines or hearsay is a recipe for disaster since you don’t have all the facts. Find out the details behind the information you’re fed, and trust your gut when embracing trends and tech. Parental instincts are valuable, especially since you know your child best. Every child is different, and God has entrusted you with this role to determine the best parenting style for your family. Finally, but most important: take it to God! Just as Paul wrote to the Philippians (4:6-7), “In every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” You can trust him to guide you when you seek wisdom in parenting.
Build a healthy support system.
There is so much value in engaging with people different from us. Parents and children alike will benefit from building relationships with families from varying backgrounds and who hold different beliefs and values. It is also important to have a network of like-minded parents to whom you can turn when needing support in making difficult parenting choices. Find trusted friends you respect and whose parenting you admire so that you can “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). They can be an excellent resource when you’re questioning your decisions or seeking wise counsel when considering a change. It can also be helpful for your child to know other families who make similar choices to yours; knowing other kids with shared experiences can be helpful when it feels like “everyone else” is doing the latest Tik-Tok dance.
Finally, recognize that just as is true with children, peer pressure can also be positive!
If that mom down the street is raving about her new chore chart and you feel like you should try it, take a look at your motivations. There’s a big difference between adopting her methods because you’re feeling inadequate versus giving it a shot because you think it’ll be a great fit for your family too. Your friends, community groups, and online message boards can be an excellent resource for techniques you haven’t tried or creative ideas you may not have considered. When adopting a new family policy, take a look at your motivations for considering the change. If you feel like other parents will ridicule you (or your kid will be mad at you) for saying “no” to something, trust your instincts and stick to your guns. If, on the other hand, you think the other parents in your community group are onto something wise with their new outlook on curfews, go ahead and give it a try.
Keep in mind that your kids are learning from you. It will be a great lesson for them to see you stand up for what you believe in the face of pressure to change. Likewise, you’ll teach them critical thinking and reasoning skills when they see you objectively analyze a situation and change direction based on new or better information. It’ll give them a healthy perspective that your rules are not just “because I said so” but rather made with prayerful intentionality. That’s not to say it’ll be easy, it takes discipline to stick to what we know is right, but it’s worth it! Hebrew 12:7-11 says, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/nicoletaionescu
