How to Help Your Son Grow in His Friendships
- Blythe Daniel Author
- Updated Sep 05, 2023
My son William, now 13, is younger by 4 minutes than his twin sister Calyn. They have grown up together, experiencing a lot of their first moments together. William and Calyn’s preschool teacher told me that one day when the kids were seated at different tables, and William and Calyn were not at the same table, that William picked up his crayons and placemat and moved to be next to his sister at her table. He told the teacher, “Calyn NEEDS me to sit next to her.” I’ve never forgotten that story because it shows the power of friendship. They knew each other well, and William didn’t want to be separated from his sister. She was a safe person for him, and he was for her.
If you have more than one child in the home, you know that they really can become each other’s playmates, even if not all the time, at least some of the time. Friendships start in the home – with siblings, friends, or relatives coming over to play, and then schoolmates or church friends they may make along the way.
How many times have you prayed that your children would get along? Too many times to count, right? I’ve prayed for years that all of my children would grow up being close and continuing their friendship from growing up together into their adult years.
But sometimes children don’t have a sibling as a friend, or the age gap between children is such that they are not friends. You may have tried desperately for the friendship to happen. Boys, in particular, can sometimes be less likely to pursue friendships the way that girls do. Boys may gain friends by doing sports, music, clubs, or other engagement with friends that is the central focus, but then they end up building friendships through a focused activity.
For boys, it seems that having a reason to get together brings friendships where common ground becomes really important for boys. I’ve watched boys who are socially shy come together when there is a competition on a team, a shared mission such as band, or a school project where there is a coming together of ideas.
Some boys are so social that they don’t know how to act otherwise. Their radar for fun and gathering friends is just as natural as their routine for getting dressed each day. Other, more introverted boys struggle to find making friends an enjoyable process, but they know they don’t want to be alone.
No matter where your son fits in these scenarios, I have seen that there are some ways we can help our sons build good friendships:
-Talk about what kind of friends make the best friends.
-Give your son opportunities to connect with others. Even if it means driving extra carpools or sacrificing time for him to engage with others in a sport or activity, consider the gains for him.
-Ask your son if he would like to host a group of guys over to connect monthly. This can be anything from building a project together in the basement, practicing their sport or music together, to a small group discussion that a dad they respect can lead.
-Start a question of the week where you ask your son something he’s learned or shared with a friend that made a difference.
-Encourage your son to pursue an interest he has with another friend, such as an art class, engineering, or robotics class, learning to create opportunities to help neighbors. This could include lawn care, dog walking, or help with projects a neighbor needs completed.
Any chance we have to help our children be creative, especially keeping them occupied so that they develop good habits, we should lean into where reasonable. Discerning the age and maturity level of your son for different activities will be a role you can play with your son. As you guide one son for what is best for him, you’re also considering what may be best for another child. Different levels of responsibility and levels of trust are extended depending on how they do on the less weighty roles or assignments you give them.
Finally, cultivating godly friendships is important for all children. We want our sons to find good friends who influence them positively and share the same values you do spiritually. Sometimes our sons will be the stronger influence leading others by his choices. Sometimes we want our sons to follow someone who is older than them and a mentor to them.
I’ve seen my son connect with a young adult who connected with him by asking him what he enjoys most. He took the time to get to know my son. He even messaged him prior to youth nights at church to make sure he knew that he was looking forward to seeing him. We can never underestimate the role that another, more experienced young man can play in the lives of our sons. In addition to a father or father figure in our sons lives, we want to help our son seek out godly friendships, both with kids his age and with older adults.
Some sons are more comfortable with themselves than being around a number of friends. Sometimes the one friend they hang out with is all they need. And that’s okay as long as we are encouraging interaction for them.
If your son attends school, you know that there is a lot of interaction. Sometimes, it is too much for certain kids! Allowing your son to choose his friends is really beneficial for him. The friends he sees as most like him and that “get him” is helpful for him to establish his friend circle. When you ask some non-invasive questions to get to know what his friends enjoy, he sees that you trust him to make friends who bring value to life. Sometimes his friends aren’t necessarily the friends we would choose for him, but we need to let him seek the friends who he discerns are right for him.
If your son is not attending school outside your home, there may be fewer daily interactions, but you can help him look for ways to connect with others by teaching younger kids at your church or helping lead younger kids in a sport or activity that he loves. My son enjoys coaching the younger kids in the gym, where he spends time as a gymnast. It’s a good way for him to learn how to coach and encourage those younger than him as he’s being coached at the same time.
It's comical to think about, but we’ve heard about the number of words a man speaks each day. Sometimes that trickles down to sons too. Women speak a far greater number of words each day. When you engage your son to talk about how he sees his friends and who he’d like to get to know better, you may get fewer responses, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking about it. He just may not want to share all of his thoughts with you.
You and I play a vital role in our sons’ lives to help them see what it takes to be a good friend. As they watch how we interact with our friends, they can learn from us about how to handle friendships, how to speak up and be honest, and what character traits they value in friends. Whether we recognize it or not, the way we show up for our friends can guide our sons to be able to show up for theirs.
What’s an area you can address with your son to talk about how he sees his friendships? Perhaps you can commit to prayer for the friends he will make in the remaining part of this year.
Prayer:
Lord, I give you my son and his friendships and ask you to guide him as he makes friends. I pray that your Spirit will lead him to look for friends who honor you and make faith-filled choices. Will you give me the wisdom to support him and his friends and how to listen when he wants to talk with me and to pray for him when he doesn’t want to share what he’s thinking? I trust you for my son’s friendships, and thank you for the son you have given me to love. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Blythe Daniel is the mother of a son, William Daniel, and two daughters. William is a middle schooler, and the author of You’re Joking Me: Jokes for Kids by a Kid. Blythe is a literary agent and author and lives in Colorado with her family.
