How to Stop Comparing After a Miscarriage (While Everyone Around You Is Getting Pregnant)

One of the hardest things one can experience in this life is going through a miscarriage. If you've experienced a miscarriage years ago or recently, or if you are continuing to experience miscarriage after miscarriage, I'm so sorry. I want you to know that I see you, my heart is praying for you, and you're never alone. It's easy to feel alone or even forgotten when everyone around you is getting pregnant. Whether it's your sister, best friend, distant friend, friend who wasn't even trying or wanting to get pregnant, acquaintances, co-workers, frenemies, or your long-distant enemies – it hurts all the same seeing everyone's gain while you're experiencing loss.

The danger with comparison:

It's hard to escape the emotions of comparison when it's all around you. But this is crucial for us to overcome before it causes chaos or destruction of any kind in our lives. Comparison will often lead to jealousy which can take root in your heart and once it takes root – resentment, hatred, bitterness, discontentment, anger and other workings of the flesh can grow. James 3:16 says, "For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind."

To take it even further, Scripture also says that "Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart." (I John 3:15). Everything starts from the heart; as another Scripture says, "As a man thinketh in is heart so is he" (Proverbs 23:7). In other words, whatever is in your heart is how you will act. If you allow jealousy to take root in your heart, it can grow into deeper seeds of resentment and hatred. These plants in your heart can cause destruction by your very own actions.

Even David, who was once labeled by God Himself as "a man after my own heart" (Acts 13:22), allowed seeds of hatred to grow in his heart. The sees led David to commit murderer in 2 Samuel 11 when David arranged for Uriah's death after David committed adultery with his wife. You see – we are all capable of allowing workings of the flesh to enter our heart if we allow jealousy and comparison to persist. If we allow it to fester and turn into hatred, Jesus says that we are really a murderer at heart. The root of all killing is hatred, bitterness, and grudge-bearing jealousy towards another person. It might start with small thoughts of jealousy, but if they take root long enough, they can grow into us taking action, causing disorder all around us.

We need to catch comparison and jealousy before they wreak havoc in our lives, causing us to derail from God's purpose with the potential to cause destruction. Here are three ways you can begin to stop comparing yourself after a miscarriage while everyone around you is getting pregnant:

1. Remove the Labels and Lies

In order to stop comparing ourselves after a miscarriage, we must identify any labels we are carrying from any lies that we have believed about ourselves. Maybe you were told you are infertile and your battle for kids won't be an easy path. Maybe you were told you could not have kids at all on your own, and you have to take different avenues such as IVF, surrogacy, or adoption. I want to remind you that God is bigger than any human diagnosis, and we serve a God of miracles, so don't ever stop believing; sometimes, His plan involves miracles, while other times they do not.

But the problem with this is that we begin to label ourselves, and labels define us. With labels come lies, and with lies come more labels, and before we know it, we are living our lives looking through the lenses of the lies and labels we have believed about ourselves.

We may have been told we are infertile and everyone around us is getting pregnant, so therefore, we believe the lie that we are not good enough and every other woman is better than us. This is no way to live, as you are living in bondage to the lies.

The lies have to die so you can start living the way God wants you to. The lies are from the enemy, for "the devil is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44). And the way to overcome the devil and the lies he has been feeding you is the same way Jesus did in the wilderness in Luke 4:1-13, and that's to know the truth of Scripture. The devil will twist the truth like he tempted Jesus, but if we know the truth, we can replace all his lies with it.

Take inventory and write down all the lies you have believed and labels you have picked up. Then, seek Scripture and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth regarding those lies so you can begin to take them captive and replace them with the truth written in God's Word.

2. Know Your Worth

Once you can identify and replace all the lies with the truth, creating new labels for yourself, your worth will begin to rise as truth increases while lies decrease. As your worth rises, your comparison starts to diminish. Your worth will begin to outweigh the loss of the miscarriage because you stand confidently in who God says you are regardless of the miscarriage you experienced.

If we attach our worth to the outcomes in our life, we will always be disappointed. We will live unsteadily, just like the parable Jesus taught in Matthew 7:24-27 about a "man who builds his house on sand. When the rains and floods come, and the winds beat against the house, it will collapse with a mighty crash."

What do you build your worth on? When we build our worth on a solid foundation, the solid rock of God's truth, we will have no room to compare ourselves to others. Even if we are going through a miscarriage and others are getting pregnant, as long as our worth is found and securely tied to God, then we will remain confident in Him and His plan for us. Because remember, God has a well-thought-out plan for you. He created you thoughtfully and intentionally in your mother's womb (Psalm 139:13-16). He is your Creator, and you are His very own special design.

Don't let the circumstances today define your worth. Your miscarriage is a part of your story, but it is not the whole story. It in no way changes God's view of you, for nothing can separate us from our worth in Him – no other person, no loss, and not even miscarriage can separate us from how he views us. (Romans 8:39)

A miscarriage does not define you. Kids do not define you. Other's gains don't define you. Your losses don't define you. You are who you are in Christ, no matter if you have had a miscarriage. Just because you have a loss in a miscarriage doesn't mean you lose your position with Christ. In fact, you can lose everything in life, just as Job did in the Bible, but you can never lose your worth found in Christ.

Isaiah 43:1 says, "I have called you by name and you are mine." He calls you his daughter, and just because others are getting pregnant while you're experiencing loss, does not mean He loves you any less. Remember, He is a good Father, and His plans for us are good as He promises us in Jeremian 29:11. Cling to these promises and find your worth in Him and not your outcome or others' outcome.

So, take some time to spend with the Lord in His Word. Allow him to take your miscarriage and recalibrate your heart so that you see yourself the way that He sees you. He hasn't changed His view about you in the slightest.

3. Guard Your Heart Above All Else

Once you have identified the lies and labels you are carrying and replaced them with the truth that your worth in Christ never changes, you must then guard your heart against allowing comparison to creep in. Again, comparison can lead us to destruction, and it all begins within the heart.

Proverbs 4:23-27 says, "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Avoid all perverse talk; stay away from corrupt speech. Look straight ahead and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don't get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil."

In order to stop comparing ourselves to others, we have to guard our hearts above all else, just as Proverbs says. How to do this practically is explained beautifully. We do this through our mouths, ears, eyes, and feet. Everything we say, listen to, look at, follow, and step into will impact our hearts. So, in order to guard our hearts, we have to look at these areas in our lives and ask ourselves if we are guarding them.

Try to envision that there are gates that we can leave open, allowing anything to enter at any time and take up residence in our lives, or we can be alert and aware of what we are allowing in so they don't sink in and take up residency in our hearts. For some of us, maybe it's time to start guarding our gates so we can stop comparing ourselves to others who are getting pregnant. This might be a temporary guarding until your heart heals, or it might be something you continue to guard if you are still in your story of battling infertility. In any case, we are told to guard our hearts above all else, so let's start protecting our fragile hearts, especially after a miscarriage through all the gates:

The mouth gate: What are we saying about our situation or others when we are comparing ourselves? Are we speaking life or death over ourselves or others who are able to get pregnant? Maybe you are talking to someone who has never gone through what you have gone through so your talks with them feel insensitive and leaves you feeling a certain type of way after you get off the phone speaking to them. To guard our hearts, we need to take inventory of the lies we are speaking, or the slander or gossip we are speaking over others out of jealousy and comparison, and speak the truth over ourselves and others.

The ear gate: What are we listening to that is causing us to compare ourselves? Are we listening to music that drives us to numb away the pain? Are we listening to our friends tell us about their pregnancy, their good news, their easy journey? Are we listening to the doctors and nurses and others' experiences that leave us feeling hopeless? To guard our hearts, we must set up boundaries with those who we are listening to that may be allowing comparison to creep in. It may require you to separate yourself from a friend or family member temporarily in this season after a miscarriage. Remember, our goal is to guard our hearts above all else, so it's not cruel to put up fences and close the gates on those you talk to frequently that are causing you to compare yourself.

The eye gates: What are you looking at that is causing you to compare yourself? I imagine the majority of us are looking at social media, which is causing us to compare ourselves. Or maybe it's pregnancy and miscarriage blogs you are reading hearing other's success stories. Are you watching movies where there are pregnant girls in them, and it leaves you with a feeling of sadness causing you to compare yourself? If we don't close the gates to what we are looking at, then we leave room for comparison to creep in.

The feet gates: Where are you going, causing you to compare yourself to others who are pregnant? Are you hanging out with friends who are currently pregnant, or are you going to events where you are inclined to compare yourself in any way? Is there that one person you see who is triggering your pain of a miscarriage because they are pregnant and talk about it every time you see them? If so, maybe you change your routine and schedule temporarily for this season in your life.

A Prayer if You've Experienced a Miscarriage:

Dear Father,

We are broken. A piece of us is missing, and it's something we can never get back. We feel hurt, heartbroken, and at times forgotten, leaving us in a state of unworthiness and comparison. Reveal to us the lies we have been believing about ourselves since our miscarriage. Show us the labels we have been carrying that are not from you. As we seek you, reveal to us in your Word the truth about us so we can begin replacing those lies one by one. Forgive us for believing the lies from the enemy over your truth. Lord, it's hard to see others get pregnant. It's hard not to compare ourselves, thinking that they are chosen and more loved than us, and how it's not fair. Lord, please remind us of the path you have set before us and keep us from getting sidetracked in someone else's lane. We will continue to seek you as you continue to guide us and comfort us as you promise in your Word that "you are near the brokenhearted, and rescue those whose spirits are crushed" (Psalm 24:18). We are crushed Lord, and we ask that you rescue us from comparison. Help us to guard our hearts above all else as you reveal to us some of the gates in our lives that need to be closed. We love you and know that you have a plan for this heartbreak; you will turn this heartbreak into good as you promise us in Romans 8:28 – we can't wait for that day!

In your name, we pray,

Amen

Keep Reading:

5 Biblical Promises to Remember After a Miscarriage

Will I Get to Meet My Miscarried Baby Someday?

How to Pray After Having a Miscarriage

Alisha Headley is a writer + speaker who has a desire to meet the everyday woman in her everyday life with biblical truth. Stepping into her true calling, she left the corporate world behind as a former-financial VP to love on her family as a stay-at-home wifey + dog mama, while also being able to pursue her passion as a writer. Healing from a chapter of life consumed with lies she once believed about herself, she is inspired to point women to Christ to experience the freedom + power to overcome those lies with the truth written in God’s word. In her free time, Alisha enjoys road trips around the country, working out so she can eat her favorite foods, and creatively styling her outfits with a craft for fashion. Alisha is a proud wifey and dog mama living in Scottsdale, Arizona.

You can follow her blog by visiting her website or connect with her on facebook + instagram.