Let’s Talk about Mom Guilt - What It Is and What to Do about It

A voice in your head telling you that you should be with your kids instead of working. Feelings of insufficiency as you scroll social media and see your mom friends who do crafts with their kids or make cute lunches every day. Telling yourself that you are a terrible mom and listing all the ways you think you have failed your children. Trying to focus on your children just to feel that you are neglecting your husband. These are some examples of the toxic trait of “mom guilt.” 

What Is Mom Guilt?

"Mom guilt" is a phrase that has become more common in the past decade. It is a general sense of failure that can occur in both mothers and fathers but is most frequently experienced by mothers. Cleveland Clinic defines mom guilt as “the feelings of guilt and shame some people feel when they don’t live up to their own or others’ expectations in their role as a parent. It’s like an internal dialogue that tells you you’re failing as a caregiver.” 

Odds are, if you have children, you have felt mom guilt at some point. It could be focused on your kids - they aren’t eating enough vegetables; you don’t play with them enough; other kids don’t watch so much television. Or it could be more focused on you - you work too much but still have too much to do; you don’t exercise enough; you feel frazzled all the time. Either way, the guilt you are feeling is likely unwarranted and is unnecessarily draining you. 

Why Do We Have Mom Guilt?

Society might tell us that we experience mom guilt because of unrealistic expectations of motherhood and what a “perfect mom” looks like. While I believe that this is true, a Christian worldview can give us further insight into why these expectations occur in the first place. Perhaps these societal pressures, resulting in mom guilt, are because of our fallen world and sinful nature. 

We may be experiencing mom guilt because we are trying to do it all, to be all things to all people. We know in our heart of hearts that we can’t but we just keep trying. The root of that desire is often fear. Fear that we won’t be enough or won’t be loved if we don’t accomplish enough. The truth that the Bible tells us is that we will never be enough but that Jesus always is and that we are deeply loved just because of who we are and not because of what we do. Or, our guilt may be rooted in pride. A prideful attitude that tells us that we can do it all, and then we feel bad when the pressure gets to us because we are supposed to be “better than that.” The truth of the Bible tells us that apart from Christ we can do nothing (John 15:5, NIV). “In Him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28, NIV). Fear and pride may be causing us pain that we don’t have to live with. 

Another Christian view of why we experience mom guilt is because we are under spiritual attack. Raising our children is one of the most important tasks we will be given in this life. Psalm 127:3 (NIV) tells us that children are a “reward from Him.” If the enemy can attack us in such a special arena, you can be sure that he will. The enemy wants to kill, steal, and destroy, while Jesus came so that we could have abundant life (John 10:10). Burdening us with mom guilt is an easy way for the thief to come in and kill our time, steal our joy, and destroy our relationships. We must turn to our Savior who offers us a full life rather than let the enemy win this battle. 

What Should We Do About It?

Talk About It 

Mom guilt is a common phenomenon and there are several action steps we can take to fight it. Talking about its occurrence and impact can be helpful. We can talk to other moms and our spouses or even our therapists. Sometimes just saying something out loud can help to lessen its burden. Lucky for us, we also have the greatest Counselor available, the Holy Spirit (John 14:26, RSV). We can pray to God about what we are experiencing and ask Him to lighten our burden, which He willingly bears for us (Psalm 68:19, NIV). The Lord does not define us by our work-life balance or by how many activities we take on. He defines us by His love for us, and He delights in our seeking Him out for help. 

Take a Breath

In the midst of a moment of beating yourself up, take a few seconds to focus on your breath. Getting your breathing under control and thinking about each breath can help disrupt negative thoughts. It is also a way to get back in touch with your Creator. God breathed life in Adam (Genesis 2:7) and He gives us our breath (Acts 17:25). Returning that breath to Him can ease moments of anxiety and stress and keep our focus on eternal and meaningful things. 

Work for the Lord

Avoid comparing yourself to others to relieve some of the pressures of mom guilt. That may mean that you need to stay off of social media for a while or at least unfollow that one person that triggers your negative thoughts. It may mean that you have to search your own motivations and repent of seeking human approval. Galatians 1:10 (NIV) tells us that to serve Christ means that we no longer try to impress people. Paul writes, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” In raising your children or “whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters” (Colossians 3:23, NIV). Keep the Lord’s standards as your guide throughout life, not the pressures of society or others around you. As you work for the Lord, remember that He loves you and wants you to seek Him first (Matthew 6:33).

Repent 

We may need to repent to relieve our mom guilt. It is important to analyze what lies we are believing and where the Holy Spirit is leading us. Guilt is not always bad – sometimes it is God-given to lead us to repentance and change. If we are doing something that we shouldn’t be doing that is taking away from our relationship with our children, then we do need to make a change. I can easily get caught up in selfish endeavors that waste time, money, and opportunities. When that happens, I need to make some changes. But if, after prayer and meditation, I am not convicted of any areas in my life, then I am likely feeling guilty because I am being deceived. When we experience mom guilt because the enemy is tricking us and distracting us, then we need to banish him. When mom guilt sneaks up on you, rebuke it. Resist the devil and he will flee from you (James 4:7, NIV).

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Jacoblund

Megan Moore is a military spouse and mom of 3 (through birth and adoption). A speech-language pathologist by training, she now spends her time moving around the country every couple of years. She is passionate about special needs, adoption, and ice cream.