3 Simple Ways to Ensure Your Family Is Close

Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity! - Psalm 133:1

As I write, yesterday was my oldest son’s 24th birthday. He lives across the ocean from us in Southern California, where he graduated from college and is “adulting” like a champ. (Praise God!) When I saw two of his younger brothers’ Instagram posts, I smiled. My four sons are known to post really nice social media posts for one another on special occasions, and sometimes they are downright sappy. In the best sort of way.

My sons are, without a doubt, very best friends, from the 24-year-old down to the 13-year-old. They love and support each other so well. My husband and I also have excellent relationships with each of our sons. They are all different, for sure, but so far, so good.

Now, before you write me off as raising unicorns, let me be clear: Those same four sons have squabbled, quarreled, and all-out battled just like any other ordinary siblings. We’ve gone through hard stuff as a family, and I promise you none of it has been picture-perfect.

But here’s the thing: The relationship we all share today? It developed over years of commitment and intentionality. And, absolutely, with a huge dose of God’s mercy and grace.

Like all areas of parenting, there are no guarantees that a family will grow up to be close. But I do think there are some things you can do which will make it a lot more likely that your family members will grow up to love each other and like each other too!

Here are three simple ways to develop a close bond in your family:

1. Spend (a lot of) Time Together

We won’t develop close relationships with anyone we don’t know well. And in today’s fast-paced, activity-driven world, it is not only possible but often easy for kids to grow up hardly knowing their siblings. When kids attend schools separately (at least in different classes), then rush off to sports or other activities, and then on to spend any free time with friends (or, let’s be honest, looking at a screen!), it will be difficult for them to get to know one another.

I encourage families to be intentional about time together, just as a family! Mealtime is a great way to do this, as well as family games, walks, or other activities.

Homeschooling has been a great help for our family relationships. All those days together – from waking to sleeping (with some separate activities thrown in, of course) meant that my boys grew to love each other well, even when they didn’t feel the love. They shared meals and chores and prayers and studies. That much time together will bond kids, even if they are wired as differently as possible.

My husband and I also intentionally set aside some weekends and vacation time for “family only.” While it can be super fun to hang out with friends or invite a friend to go on a trip with you (and this can help limit the sibling squabbles, I know!), it also can prevent your own kids from “having to” be each other’s playmates. A little forced time together can work wonders. It may not be fun in the moment, but I’m a big believer in “front-load” parenting, and this is a great chance to do it. By the time your kids are grown, they will be likely to choose each other for road trips or other adventures, which, I promise, is incredibly rewarding!

2. Limit Screen Time!

This point overlaps with the last, but it is so important! When we all (parents included) have screens in front of our faces, we are not likely to bond naturally. Yet how easily do we slip into this habit! We truly must guard our family time by putting a boundary on screens.

I recommend some ground rules for your family: No screens at the table, no screens in kids’ bedrooms, and specific times you all take a break from devices. (A Sabbath each week? A week each quarter?) Find a rhythm that is doable, even if challenging.

3. Communicate Your Family Values Clearly

Parents: We are called to lead our families with intention. Your kids look to you to set the tone and the pace. In my book, Raising Amazing: Bringing up Kids Who Love God, Like Their Family, and Do the Dishes Without Being Asked, I compare leading your family with piloting an airplane. Kids are looking to their parents to tell them where they’re headed and how they’ll get there! I suggest, “Whereas you had little say in the environment of the family you grew up in, as parents now leading your own family, you get to choose!”

So, enjoy leading your family; create a family mission statement or at least a set of written values. Remind your family that God put you together uniquely, and you belong to each other. I love to point out the little things that give each family its own “brand” or “flavor” – from the movies you love to watch, to family traditions, to your inside jokes. Talk about these things and celebrate them. It may be hard to imagine when kids are young, but these are the things they will look forward to coming home to one day when they (*sniff*) have launched from your home.

It may be challenging in the moment, but don’t give up on building family relationships! Galatians 6:9 is one of my favorite verses for encouragement: “Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due season you will reap a harvest, if you do not give up.”

Do the work now, and one day, you might find your kids sending sappy, Happy Birthday messages to one another! And you’ll agree it’s the best kind of sappy ever!

Raising Amazing combines years of research with personal stories and step-by-step, practical advice to equip you to raise kids of godly character and deep faith who love their parents and remain close to their siblings for a lifetime.

In Raising Amazing, Monica gives you the tools and techniques you need to:

-Raise countercultural kids in the midst of a crazy world
-Train your children in the biblical character qualities you value most
-Find ways to help your kids navigate technology, sports, and dating
-Introduce your children to a vibrant life of faith that will draw them closer to God
-Cultivate strong sibling bonds and mend those that may already be struggling
-Develop healthy relationships with your children that will lead to friendship for a lifetime
-Encourage dads with a "note to dads" at the end of each chapter written by Monica's husband

-This isn't just a book; it's a fresh perspective on parenting that may just change the trajectory of your family forever.

Find Monica Swanson's book, Raising Amazing: Bringing Up Kids Who Love God, Like Their Family, and Do the Dishes without Being Asked here! Visit her website to learn more about her story and the inspiration behind her new book release. You can follow her on Instagram or Facebook.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/kate_sept2004

Photo credit: ©SWN/HarperCollinsChristianPublishing

Monica Swanson is a popular blogger (www.monicaswanson.com), host of the Boy Mom podcast, and author of Boy Mom and Raising Amazing. Born and raised in the Pacific Northwest, Monica graduated from Pepperdine University and earned her teaching credential from Linfield College. Monica has a bachelor's degree in sports medicine and has spent much of her life as a personal coach and trainer. She and her doctor-husband, Dave, have one college graduate son, two boys in college, and one still at home. The Swanson family enjoys growing tropical fruit at their family home in the country on the North Shore of Oahu, Hawaii, and spend a lot of time at the beach riding waves or capturing sunsets.