The One Thing Your Estranged Child Needs From You: Unconditional Love

Mary and her daughter, Shana, walked out of the drugstore. Just before walking around to her side of the car, Shana stopped. “Mom, I need to tell you something.” Usually Mary’s shy college student, she was surprised Shana wanted to talk, especially since they finished errands and were on the way home to dinner.

“OK,” Mary said, excited to have a conversation. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well, I just wanted you to know that Barrett and I have decided to move in together.”

Mary was speechless. She didn’t know what to say. Shana had been taught better. She knew their family didn’t believe in couples living together before marriage. And here was her daughter saying that was what she was going to do. Mary finally recovered enough to remind Shana that was wrong in the eyes of God and her family.

Mary said, “How could you even think of doing that? You know it is wrong.”

“Mom, I love Barrett.”

“More than you love God?”

“You have always told me to look for the person I think God has created just for me. Well, I believe Barrett is the one. Can’t you be happy for me?”

“Not when I believe you are acting in a way that is against the ways of God.” Tears began to build as Mary tried to make Shana understand how serious this offense was against God.

Lord, life is full of surprises, especially when you have children. You think you have taught them properly, and then something like the situation above comes along, and you feel like a tremendous failure. What can I do now? How do I show her the error of her ways? How can I convey to her how much You love her and want the best for her? I know You love her, Lord, and I want her to know that too. Lord, I love her so much. I think she knows that, but You need to teach me how to show that without seeming judgmental or critical. Please let me love her and Barrett and do it in a way full of sincerity, gentleness, and encouragement.

Mary’s husband had just arrived home from work when they returned home. After a few hellos, Mary looked at Shana and nodded toward her husband. Mary went into the house so Shana could have the same discussion with her dad. Mary knew he would agree with her. Mary wanted so badly for someone to reach Shana and help her understand there were other ways to express her love for the mate God had created for her.

Lord, Help my husband to say the things she needs to hear. Keep us strong as a couple, and constantly remind us we are a team.

After that Thursday afternoon, Mary began to get on her knees many times a day to pray for Shana. She was a sophomore in college and needed to focus on her studies rather than homemaking skills with someone she wasn’t even married to. Mary desperately loved her daughter and wanted her to know that. Shana cut off all communication with us after that. She watched her caller ID and never picked up when it was Mary. Mary called almost daily to let Shana know she was thinking about her and always left a message telling her she loved her. Shana stopped coming home most weekends. Occasionally she and Barrett came home for a short visit, but those times often turned into chats about what was right and wrong in the eyes of God. Barrett wasn’t a believer, so he wasn’t very interested in the conversations. He declared that Friday night was his drinking night with his buddies, and that would never change, even after they were married.

Mary didn’t want her daughter treated that way. Shana deserved to be loved and cherished as her dad loved her mom. She wanted Shana to have a marriage that honored God, one where they could serve Him together.

One day Mary was in the shower praying for her. She cried out to God to somehow make this situation go away and get Shana back on track. Almost audibly, she heard Him say, “Leave Shana in my hands. I love her even more than you do.”

Was that even possible? Of course, it was. At that moment, Mary knew the key was trusting God with every aspect of this situation.

Lord, I trust you. I know you love Shana and created her for a purpose. Dear God, work that miracle in her life and bring her back to You.

From that point on, Mary did her best to let the guilt go and focus on the beautiful young lady inside of her daughter. She looked forward to the day when Shana would find her way back to the love of Jesus and trust Him with her life again.

She really wanted to do more. At one point, Mary felt like she just needed to be close to Shana, especially when she prayed for her. So Mary got into her car, drove forty miles to sit in the parking lot of Shana’s apartment building, and prayed. Shana was there, but she never knew Mary was there.

Lord, I love my daughter so much and I know you love her too. She has gotten off track a bit, but I know You will love her back into your fold. Lord, please don’t let her get hurt. Barrett seems selfish, with no consideration of what is best for them as a couple. She doesn’t even know I’m sitting in the parking lot. But I wanted, no, I needed to be as close as possible to her while I talked to You. Keep her in your sight, Lord. Keep reminding her that You love her, even in little ways.

Several years went by, and Shana and Barrett married. It was not the happiest marriage; it was difficult. They didn’t talk much about their relationship, and Mary just kept praying. As time went on, Mary realized how unhappy Shana was. She tried to help Barrett with his addictions and roving eyes, but he didn’t want help.

The following Thanksgiving, Mary noticed Shana’s brother and sister didn’t show up to help as they usually did. A few minutes before lunch, Shana walked in the door. “Hi, Mom, I’m home.” Her siblings came in behind her, all smiles.

“We are so glad you came. I was hoping you would come. Where’s Barrett?”

“No, Mom, I’m home, really home, for good. Barrett is not here and isn’t coming ever again.”

Once again, Mary was speechless. God had done it. He had fulfilled His promise to look after Shana and bring her back to Him and their family.            

Oh, Lord, thank you. I love you and am so thankful you have a plan for each of our lives. Your faithfulness has been shown over and over to us, especially in the way you protected our daughter. You love each one of us so much. Praise you, Lord, for your constant love and care.

Later that night, Shana and Mary were lying on the bed talking. “I’m so glad you are home,” Mary said.

“Me, too,” Shana said. “I do have one question. Why didn’t you lock me in a closet somewhere instead of letting me marry Barrett?”

“If I had done that, where would you be tonight? Would you have come home, or would you still be toughing it out with Barrett?”

Shana grinned. “I guess you’re right. I don’t think I would have come home. You would probably never see me again.”

Mary reached over and hugged Shana. “I’m so glad that’s not what happened.”

“Me, too. I love you, Mom.”

Today Shana is one of the most godly young women Mary knows. She loves Jesus. Mary watched her in Bible Study when the group began sharing personal prayer needs. Many of those included young women in unhappy marriages. As soon as that is mentioned, Shana gets up, goes to that person, and puts her arms around them. “I understand,” Shana says. “Can we have coffee sometime? But before we go today, may I pray for you?” Not only does she have a personal ministry to other young women, but she also serves in her church in many ways, and shares the love of Jesus with everyone she comes in contact with.

Lord, this was a difficult journey. But You have shown me how much You love us and that You really care about every one of Your children. Because we are Your children, we know we can trust You to carry us through any situation. Take everything we have experienced and help us to use it in a way to share your love with others. Thank you, Lord, for answering the prayers of this mother. And as we celebrate Mother’s Day this year, comfort all the mothers who are estranged from their children. May this season of their lives be filled with renewed trust in you and confidence that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28 NIV)

A Note From a Prodigal Returned:

Mom, you did nothing wrong. Your parenting was enough. You raised a strong, independent child who, unfortunately, made bad choices, fell in with the wrong crowd, and was influenced by the world. There is nothing you can do but pray. Your primary focus should be on the relationship, not the bad choices. Only God can change your children’s hearts, and if you are constantly being negative about their wrong choices, it will harden their hearts toward you.

I have been blessed with the best family in the world. I know I broke their hearts for many years. I didn’t do it intentionally. I was influenced by those around me. But when I was ready to return, I knew where to go because my parents had done nothing but love me. I didn’t feel I couldn’t go home because of how they had treated me while I was straying, but I knew I could go home because of how they had treated me while I was straying.

Treat them as if they were making the best choices, not in your reaction to the choices but when you see them. Tell them you love them when they arrive at or leave a gathering. PERIOD. This is not the time to interject your opinion; this is the time to express your unconditional love. But every moment is the time to express your unconditional love.

If your child has strayed, I guarantee they are hurting. They are looking for something only God can give. They do not need the earthly mother and father to tell them they are doing wrong because they already know. Pray for them, be kind to them, but most of all, love them unconditionally. If you need to know how to do that, just ask my mom. She’s an expert!

Linda Gilden is an award-winning writer, speaker, editor, certified writing and speaking coach, and personality consultant. Her passion is helping others discover the joy of writing and learn to use their writing to make a difference. Linda recently released Articles, Articles, Articles! and is the author of over a thousand magazine articles and 19 books including the new Quick Guides for Personalities. She loves every opportunity to share her testimony, especially through her writing. Linda’s favorite activity (other than eating folded potato chips) is floating in a pool with a good book surrounded by splashing grandchildren—a great source of writing material!