3 Tips for Teaching Modesty to Our Children
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- Updated Dec 15, 2022
I grew up when Christianity's ‘purity culture’ was at its height. I have distinct memories of being at a Christian summer camp and the speakers talking about waiting until marriage. As a young teen, my parents bought me a purity ring. There was a huge movement in the church to keep teens and young adults away from the trap of pre-marital sex.
A part of this movement was a heavy emphasis on young women not causing their male counterparts to “stumble.” Modest dress was enforced with rigor. I remember being scolded if I had a shirt that accidentally slid up and my mid-section became visible. As a young teen, I felt shame about the ways I was being told that my body could even accidentally make a man feel.
Now I am a parent to children entering adolescence, and my husband and I are suddenly very aware of the lack of modesty in the current culture. It’s easy to want to shout to every young girl to cover up for the sake of my boys! Or to beg every cartoon, commercial, video game maker, or YouTube site to stop putting half-clothed women on display everywhere!
Yet, for my daughter, the thought of making her feel like she may cause a young man to stumble because she is beautiful makes me cringe. I know that so many women have been oppressed over the years because “men are visual creatures,” making us somehow responsible for their inability to practice self-control. I want her to know that modesty is something for everyone, not a virtue saved only for women. I want her to know that she is beautiful and that the conversation about modest living is about us all following God’s grace-filled way to better our souls. And I want my sons to learn the Holy Spirit gives them the power of self-control, so every woman around them feels cared for and never demeaned. That they would learn how to turn away from lust and look for beauty, intimacy, and connection instead.
I’ve come to realize that the reason this “purity culture” narrative that communicates modesty is the job of women to protect men is unfair. Modesty is a virtue that this upcoming generation desperately needs, but we have to revisit how we have this vital conversation. Modesty definitely matters and is rare in a culture that is all about glorifying our own selves.
Here are some ideas that are helping me navigate how to share the value of modesty to my children:
1. Modesty Is Important for All People
Modesty was something I’ve typically seen discussed as a virtue for women to prize in their lives. Modesty is defined as the quality or state of being unassuming or moderate in estimating one's abilities or behavior, manner, or appearance intended to avoid impropriety or indecency. Modesty is a virtue for men and women.
I know as my son grows, he struggles with wanting to puff up his abilities. He wants to boast about how intelligent he is, how strong he is, or even how funny he is. Humility, something that goes right along with modesty, is something we have to emphasize as his parents. Modesty is a part of our parenting discussion for our sons and daughters. As my daughters grow and desire to feel beautiful, I want to affirm her beauty and help her find security in who she is, rooted in more than her appearance. I pray they know that their beauty comes from the Lord and not from the ways they can manipulate a man through their sexuality. Modesty matters for us all.
2. Modesty Is about More Than Appearance
Modesty applies to how we dress, our behavior, our language, our social interactions, how we portray ourselves to friends and family, and more. 1 Samuel 16:7 says, “ But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” Modesty is a heart issue. This is why framing this discussion in a way that shames one gender for how they may become to enticing to the opposite sex is a flawed approach.
When we talk about modesty, we need to begin by sharing the biblical principle that God examines each of our hearts and knows our motives. I want my kids to prize modesty, humility, self-control, kindness, and more because they desire to live in a way that honors the Lord. We help our children avoid over-sexualized attire or media because we want them to have pure hearts and live God-honoring lives.
3. Modest Living Is One Way We Acknowledge God’s Love for Us
Modesty is not a virtue of shame, saying you must hide away the beauty the Lord has gifted you. It’s also not a virtue of oppression, seeking to squash the expression of women for the sake of men. It's a virtue that signals our willingness to be obedient to God’s advice and a mark of knowing your God-given value.
The Bible teaches in 1 Corinthians 6:20, “For you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” God loves us so much that he gave himself to redeem our dying and broken bodies. When we care for our bodies and don’t display them in a showy manner, we acknowledge that our flesh and blood have value. Bodies are to be shared, enjoyed, and cared for in the ways that God’s word instructs.
Surrendering to God’s way is one way that we accept his love. His love says you will live your best life if you follow me. His way gives us helpful boundaries and is the way of love. He is there to protect us. When I teach my children to be modest in their words, dress, and conduct, it is not because I want to squash or belittle the gifts that they have. It’s because I know the best way to use their gifts, to show off their beauty, and to build their relationships is God’s way. God’s way requires a humble heart. Modest living keeps on the path of humility.
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