Where Is the Line Between Parent and Friend?
- Amanda Idleman Contributing Writer
- Updated Mar 28, 2024
Parenting evolves over the years. In the beginning, we were caretakers, love givers, and teachers. As they grow, we add on the roles of shepherds and disciplinarians. At some point along the line, we get to add on the title 'friend,' but for many years, as parents, we wear many hats for our kids. We are life support for our kids. Friend doesn't seem like a complete title for Mom and Dad. We are so much more than just friends in our kids' lives.
What we have the chance to relish as parents is the opportunity to create many beautiful memories with our kids. Over time, we learn who they are becoming; we find ways to spark joy that can be shared between us! These moments are treasures that we hold throughout our relationship with our children.
The most healthy way we can see ourselves with our kids is as their parents, a role superior to just friends. It's a role that looks like shared joy, guidance, respect, unconditional love, and correction, and when our kids leave the nest, it mostly looks like being our kid's number one fan as they move through life.
Here are some ways we can invest in creating a robust relationship with our kids as their friend and parent:
1. Be Available
Being available may feel obvious, but it can be tough in our fast-paced culture! Even as a stay-at-home parent, I often feel stretched too thin to attend to each of my children well on a daily basis. As our kids get older, we see them grow more independent, which is healthy, but we also need to make sure we are around to take advantage of the moments they need to open up to us. Our time and attention are the greatest gift we can give our kids as they grow!
2. Find Joy in Your Child
Parenting is hard! There are seasons where their demeanor or struggles may make it hard to like your kids. When we are stuck in a negative cycle, one way to stop this trend of resentment from growing is to change it up. Focus on the positive you see developing in your kids and sow into that. Take a step away from that role as disciplinarian and become more of a friend. Choose things to do that you know you both will enjoy. Make a list of the qualities you are most thankful for in your child and share them. Be ready to give them comfort and affection even in their tough moments. I know from experience that sometimes it takes a true "dying to self" to choose to cuddle your child with whom you are thoroughly aggravated, but when we choose affection, we make space to reconnect.
3. Get Involved
Find ways to be there with your kids while they do what they love! It can be hard to pause productive mode and stop to get on the floor and push cars around, play a board game, or read a book. Thankfully, experts tell us that just 10 minutes a day of engaging in one-on-one play or interaction is all it takes to grow your bond with your child. If it helps, set a timer so you both know that once the time is up, Mom or Dad has something else they need to work on but have loved engaging in some special time to interact together. For older kids, this could be coaching, cheering on the sidelines at the game, learning about video games, getting into an acting class together, and more! Be creative and intentional about being a present part of your kids' lives.
4. Don't Be Afraid of Setting Healthy Limits and Guiding Your Kids
The special thing about being a parent is that you are more than just a buddy; you are there to help prepare your child for life. It's a big job, and sometimes it's not a lot of fun. We can get so overly concerned with making our kids feel warm and fuzzy about us that we miss out on the chance to help shape their character. Be encouraged; healthy limits and guides in relationships are integral to healthy attachment. Every relationship on this planet only stays healthy when certain boundaries are put in place and mutually respected. The same is true for a parent. When we ensure our kids know what we expect from them, they feel safer around us. As they grow, their ability to follow our directions helps them as they begin to interact with more of the world.
5. Empathize with Your Child
The thing we all want more than anything else is to be known and loved. Empathy helps us offer our kids the gift of being seen and supported. When our kids come to us offering up their big feelings for us to help them untangle, it's our job to make sure they feel entirely safe in our care. Empathy is the basis for the unconditional love a parent is to offer their child. As we model being a good listener, they will also grow their empathy skills.
6. Always Be Honest
Honesty is vital for thriving relationships; our kids are no exception to this rule. When we hold secrets about who kids are, the shape of our family, and family history, we risk creating a great rift in our relationship when the information is eventually given to the child. If there is information pertaining to your child that feels too heavy for them to carry at a young age, be honest about that. Let them know you will share the whole story when they are old enough to process the information.
As a foster and adoptive Mom, I am learning how to do this on a level that is quite intimidating! I have to share my young kids' their story honestly but also show love to their first families and not overwhelm them with details. I've had to embrace baby steps on this journey, but every time we talk about adoption, I am shocked at how engaged my three and four-year-old kids are. Even though they can't understand it all, it still comforts them that we can talk about how their story is different. I hope and pray that when the conversations get more complex, our openness now will have created a strong base of trust that we can build these tough conversations on over the years.
7. Promote Emotional Regulation
Controlling our emotions is a lifelong journey! I still struggle to understand all the ways I'm feeling and find healthy ways to express them. Working with our kids over the course of their lives with us to show them how to regulate their bodies will grow your relationship and help them in every relationship they encounter down the road. Some fun ways to help learn brain and body control are yoga, learning music, listening to music, and dancing. A pre-bedtime dance party is a great way to get out any pent-up angst from the day and will leave everyone feeling happy to be together.
8. Share Your Faith and Rely on Jesus
God brings unity to our homes in a way that other tools just can't provide. When things get tense with your pre-teen, open the windows and pray out any of the tension filling your home. When you have toddlers who just can't keep it together, ask Jesus to show you both how to get through this season with grace. When our kids ask questions about this world, let the Bible be the rock that guides your answers. Jesus is our sure foundation. When we are struggling as parents, when we don't know how far to lean in or when to step back, our greatest asset is the wisdom we have when we seek the Holy Spirit.
9. Apologize Often
I'm learning the great value of saying sorry! As a Mom of five kids, I fall short so much more often than I'd like to admit. I can't be the perfect parent, friend, and whatever else to my kids! Thankfully, when I fall short, I can call on God's amazing and boundless grace to cover my failures. The best thing is that our kids, most of the time, are so quick to forgive! All they want to do is feel loved by us. So next time you are struggling as a parent, just remember the power of "I'm sorry." So much can be made right by those two words.
10. Pray for Your Family
In every season, our kids need different things from us! That's what makes this journey so challenging. We start out trying to learn all we can about how to feed our kids and get them to sleep; before we know it, we are trying to teach them to read and do math! All of a sudden, we are navigating technology alongside them and their own relationships! This parenting thing is a wild ride. We must bring our kids to the feet of Jesus often. We need his help to hold our families together. He is faithful in guiding us in every season.
