2 Reasons You Are Always Falling in Love with the Wrong Person

Lane couldn’t believe it. Here she was again holding the pieces of her broken heart in her trembling hands.

Only six months ago Lane had become convinced that David was “the one” who would never let her down. He was kind, attentive, and seemed to look for ways to show her that he loved her. 

Lane had thought, “At last I have found my prince charming. It’s finally my turn to live happily-ever-after.”

In the five years after Lane had graduated college she had dated a few guys who all seemed to have the qualities she was looking for in a husband. But time and again, each relationship would fall apart leaving her feeling alone and vulnerable.

Lane would promise herself, “Next time I will go into a relationship with my eyes wide open. Next time I will not be swept off my feet. Next time…”

But whenever the “next time” would come, Lane was just so excited about the new relationship that she jumped in with her whole heart––without taking the time to seek the Lord’s discernment, or even ask for godly counsel from her Christian friends.

And there was the sex. Lane knew that God wanted her to wait to have sex until she got married, yet she always excused her promiscuity by telling herself, “God understands. We are going to get married one day anyway so it’s not that big of a deal to have sex with someone I plan to marry.”

So, here she was again. Broken hearted, alone and asking herself, “Why do I keep falling in love with the wrong person?”

Can you relate?

Maybe you can relate to Lane’s story. Or maybe you know someone who has been there. What advice can we offer to a woman who seems to keep falling for the wrong guy?

Let’s look at two reasons you may be always falling for the wrong person:

You’re not relying on God’s discernment.

When a man in our church left his wife, it sent a shock wave among our young adults. Many of the young women were confused because his actions did not reflect the godly character they thought he had.

“How can I know if the man I am dating is truly a godly man. What can I do to ensure the same thing won’t ever happen to me?” were questions the women asked. You may be wondering the same.

First, you can never know for certain if a person will continue to live a godly life. But what you can know is that God offers His wisdom to guide you to a man who honors the Lord. Since only God knows the heart, looking to Him for discernment makes sense.

Remember James 1:5: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”

If you want discernment to choose a husband, ask God to grant it and then wait on the Lord for clear insight into the character of one you may be interested in. 

Secondly, seek out godly counselors. Proverbs 11:14: “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”

It may hurt when a trusted Christian friend voices a negative opinion about someone you’re dating, but you would be wise to consider their advice.

Remember, God’s Word is your most trusted counselor:

Psalm 119:24 says, “Your testimonies are my delight; they are my counselors.”

You simply cannot have God’s discernment to make Christ-honoring choices without spending time with God through the pages of Scripture every day.

And finally, you will forgo God’s discernment if you are having sex with the person you’re dating. God promises guidance toward a no regrets life if you obey His commands. Obeying God’s commands does not save you, but a desire to do so is evidence of your salvation.* 

If you have a personal relationship with Jesus, then God promises to put His Spirit in your heart to lead you into all truth. 

When you are having sex outside of marriage, you quench the Spirit and are left to figure out life’s choices on your own––without God’s leading. (You may disagree, but the Bible clearly teaches that sex outside of marriage is sin, and that all sin quenches the Spirit’s leading in our lives.)

If you are in a relationship and you want God’s discernment––or if you are not in a relationship but want God’s wisdom––commit to the Lord to obey His command to save sex for the marriage bed and just see if He doesn’t grant you His discernment.

You’re looking in the wrong place.

When our oldest son was in basic training he was the head of his unit. Daily they were required to run great lengths. 

The unit made record time––well everyone except for one woman. When the unit crossed the finish line, they learned their time didn’t count until their everyone crossed the line. 

Our son resolved the situation by running alongside the woman. Whenever she began to lag behind, he would place his hand on the small of her back so she would keep the pace. With both of their eyes on the finish line, they would complete the course along with the rest of their unit.

Whenever I speak at Christian colleges, I tell the story of our son and his unit because it is a picture of running the Christian life.

The Bible says to think of life as a race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:1 says: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”

Hebrews 12:2 reminds us where to keep our focus: “Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.”

Do you look at your life as a race to be run with eyes focused on Christ? Or do you forget God has called to run with all your might with your eyes on Jesus––the prize?

Often when a person is looking for a spouse they take their eyes off Christ. When they’re distracted looking for “Mr. Right,” they lag behind in their race.

If you’re looking for a spouse, remember you are also looking for a ministry mate. Someone who will minister alongside you in the raising of children––if God so wills––and in the ministry opportunities God will send your way. 

As you run your race, keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. And if one day, as you are running the race, you notice a man’s hand on the small of your back––or if you are the man and you find your hand on the small of her back to help keep the pace, ask God for wisdom to discern if you they are the one. 

*Request the article: “How to Have a Relationship with Jesus” at NoRegretsWoman.com.

Rhonda Stoppe is a pastor’s wife, speaker, and author. As the NO REGRETS WOMAN, Rhonda has more than 20 years experience of helping women live life with no regrets. Through humor, and honest communication, she helps women build NO REGRETS LIVES by applying sound teaching from Scripture. Rhonda appears on radio programs, speaks at women’s events, MOPs, and homeschool conventions throughout the nation. Rhonda Stoppe’s book Moms Raising Sons to be Men is mentoring thousands of moms to guide sons toward a no-regrets life. Her new book If My Husband Would Change, I’d Be Happy: And Other Myths Wives Believe is helping countless women build no-regrets marriages. 

Publication date: November 28, 2016