Dear Christian Girls: Not Every Good Man is Fearless and Confident

Editor's note: This is the next article in the series on 5 Christian Dating Myths. This addresses Myth #2: Any guy worth having is fearless, confident, and will know exactly how to pursue you. Read "Just Wait for God's Timing" here.

Women who long for a mature, stable Christian believer, are often led to believe in church that those kinds of guys are ‘fearless adventurers’ and ‘spiritual leaders’ who will therefore know exactly how to pursue you for dating. But is it possible that even mature, stable, great Christian men are not completely fearless when it comes to romance? Is it possible that they, like most other human beings on this earth, shy away from rejection?

Through my journey, I began to realize that a little bit of encouragement can go a long way in increasing a guys desire and confidence about pursuing me. Not encouragement in a condescending, mommy/teacher kind of way. More so, encouragement that you are actually interested in them, and that you are a safe and interesting person to approach.

You see, my passive, shy, patient demeanor was sending the message to potential suitors that I would be hard to talk to, that I wasn’t interested, or there was a high potential for failure, all of which was far from the truth. Who wants to talk to someone who isn’t interested?

How accessible and safe are you to guys? Are you approachable?

For a non-flirtatious gal like myself, here are some things that you can work to make yourself more approachable and meet more men:

• Let men open doors. I had a friend who I noticed would stand to the side of a door and let men open the door for her. It signaled to men that she wanted and appreciated it when they were gentleman. Learn to let men do this for you, and make a point to show them you want it.
• Make Eye Contact. Rather than nervously looking away when a guy catches you looking at him, keep eye contact for at least ten seconds. This demonstrates that you notice them, that you are confident, and perhaps interested in a conversation. (This was not easy for me, so to get better at making eye contact, I challenged myself to make eye contact with 10 guys a week. The more I did it, the easier it got.)
• Smile. When you make eye contact, you often get warm friendly eyes looking back at you! Then, you can SMILE! Again, signaling that you are friendly and that you notice him. Not only does this make him feel good, you feel good too!
• Start casual, lighthearted conversation. It doesn’t have to be anything incredible. You can simply say “Thank you. I appreciate you being such a gentleman!” when he opens the door for you. Or just comment how happy you are to see the sun shine again if it is a nice day. Or how happy you are it is the weekend. Or, “Are you headed home? Happy to be done with the day?”
• Build friendships with guys without any expectation of what might happen. Rather than over-analyze friendships, and what signals he or you might be sending, just develop friendships with guys. Don’t worry about whether you are attracted to them. If he asks you to do something one-on-one, don’t assume it is a date. Just go and have a good time.

Overall you are trying to plant seeds and show that you are a warm, friendly gal who might possibly bring improvement to his life if he took a risk and stepped towards you.

Though I am now married, I still practice these skills. Not to attract a man, but rather to be someone who actively acknowledges other people’s existence and tries to create opportunities for relationships. Isn’t that part of what it means to be a disciple-maker? It isn’t always easy, it takes risk, bit of discomfort and intentional effort. But the work is often rewarded by others and by the Lord!

Article ran originally on Change Your Relationship Status. Used with permission.

Kristine Sung is a Dallas Theological Seminary graduate, and a Licensed Professional Counselor in the Dallas, Texas area. For more dating thoughts and tips, read her blog Change Your Relationship Status.

Publication date: July 2, 2015