"I Always Go For Non-Christian Guys"

EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to He Said-She Said (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

QUESTION: I am a middle-aged, single lady who has never been married or in a serious a relationship. I always have feelings for non-Christian guys and I know that I shouldn’t. I have had feelings for a non-Christian for 4 years guy. I know that he doesn’t like me and I know that I should not like him, but I have deep feelings for him. All this time he has been dating other women, and is currently in a relationship. My questions are: 1) Am I not faithful to God and not putting Him as first, in that I always like non-Christian guys? 2) How do I get rid of the feelings for this guy I like? We are good friends and work in the same company, with no intention of changing jobs. 3) If I struggle as a single, and having never been in relationship, is it because I've not had enough faith in God?

HE SAID:

Many of us have lived a majority of our years seeking the Lord and His desires for us, especially in regards to relationships. However, we live in a secular world and we grow to accept, enjoy and even yearn for those things of the world sometimes.  

"Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. 1 Corinthians 10:23

Don’t beat yourself up over your “attraction” to a non-Christian guy.  You recognize this isn’t the most beneficial thing for you and you have not acted on your feelings.  God understands the world we live in and knows the temptations we face.  

This is in no way a “green light” or an open invitation to pursue all those “unequally yoked” we are attracted to nor date those whom we do not share the same beliefs, nevertheless we are ultimately called to befriend non-believers and share our lives with them in hopes of leading them to the saving knowledge of Christ.  Being “faithful to God” is living in this manner.

You will be his witness to all men of what you have seen and heard. Acts 22:15

As for a “formula” to get rid of the feelings you have for a person, I have yet to find one.  Since distancing yourself isn’t an option, carefully consider (and even scrutinize) his life, ways, and what truly makes him tick, especially in regards to his heart, you may find your feelings begin to diminish.  

What I have found to be most attractive is a person’s God-blessed passion, their love for the Lord and how that is expressed through their actions.

Never having been in a relationship is no reflection of one’s faith in God.  I have witnessed some of the most unfaithful “Christians” who never have a shortage of “opportunities” to date or be in relationships, while faithful servants of the Lord rarely having any.  

I would like to believe God protects some of His followers for that special one He has prepared.

And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.  Colossians 1:10

SHE SAID:

First I want to thank you for being so transparent with who you are and some of your background. I am also a never married middle-aged single lady who has not been in a serious relationship in many years. So I can relate to some of your circumstances.

Now regarding this desire and attraction to "lost" men. What is attractive about them? Some qualities are simply attractive in anyone, no matter their spiritual status. They might be kind, gentle, funny, giving and so on. So being attracted to a man, lost or saved, is not a bad thing. Let's explore reasons you might not be attracted to Christian men. Are you in church? Are you involved and serving? Are you a  part of healthy singles group where you would meet and be friends with Christian guys? If my environment was made up solely of things which aren't good for me, I would eventually end choosing it. For example, if you all you have are cupcakes in the house, and no salad, you are going to end up eating cupcakes. Some of this may simply be who you are spending your time with. 

Another thought is that being attracted to "lost" guys could be a way of avoiding being involved with a Christian guy. If you date a Christian, you are being held to a higher standard, as you are supposed to be growing in Christ. If you date a non-Christian, you get to be the "holy" one. How can any guy hold you accountable? Your measuring stick becomes him instead of Christ. If he is your measuring stick, then you will always come out ahead. But then you cease to grow.

So what I am thinking is happening here are some fears. Fears of dating a Christian guy that might end up leading to marriage... to revealing more about who you are, etc. Maybe it's time to be real with God about what you need to change to be more like Christ. Believe me, as you grow, you will desire less and less to be with someone who is not where you are spiritually. The thought of dating someone who does not share your heart for Christ, your hunger to know more, your commitment to serving the Lord, will go away. It's hard enough to make a relationship work when you do know Christ. I can assure you if you date and eventually marry a lost person, your goals, your purpose, your relationship with Christ will not be shared. Marriage is a triangle. As you both grow towards Christ, you both grow towards each other. 

I will be praying that God reveals to you what you need to change so your desires would be to seek a mate with whom you are equally yoked. Not just because God's word says it, but because you desire it as well.

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalms 37:3-6

HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is … Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is the author of three books: Singles and Relationships: A 31-Day Experiment (co-authored with Dick Purnell of Single Life Resources); From the Manger to the Cross: The Women in Jesus' Life; and the most recent, Jesus, Single Like Me with Study Questions (includes a leader's guide and conference/retreat of the same name).

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately (we think they sound eerily similar sometimes, too!). 

GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to He Said-She Said (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.

Publication date: December 13, 2012