How Long Should You Wait to Tell Someone You Like Them?

EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

QUESTION:
There's this girl at church that I have been developing interest in. Just recently we have started playing basketball together. And so I get to see her outside of church too. Throughout these few months I have gotten to know what kind of person she is. Even though I see her outside of church I feel like there wasn't much time for me to talk to her in person. As a result, I've been talking to her on FB. I know it's not the ideal way to get to know someone, but I only get to see her like once a week and it's hard for me to get to talk to her. However, on FB she doesn't talk much (just simple responses), but I know in person she is willing to talk. I've been doing this for like 3 months now. One of my friend said I should tell her how I feel so that I can find closure. Should I continue to talk to her on FB (even though she's quite unresponsive) and in person, or should I just tell her I like her?

HE SAID:

I have to smile at the innocence of your letter. No matter the age or experience, we have all gone through (and continue to go through) similar feelings of uncertainty, indecision and doubt when it comes to relationships. You are not alone.

I totally understand and embrace how social media has become the common way to communicate these days and texting has supplanted the original (and designed) use of the phone, but the best and really only way to get to know someone is to actually talk to them face to face. This has certainly become a “lost art” of sorts within the latest generations, but shouldn’t be overlooked nor importance underestimated.

The beautiful thing about relationships is their fluidity and unpredictability. You can act the same way with a number of different people and have a different result each time. One thing to remember is two great people don’t necessarily make a great couple and just because a relationship doesn’t work out doesn’t necessarily make either person wrong or bad, just not compatible at that time.

In regards to your situation, you have the benefit of having basketball in common and you should use it to your advantage. It’s such a great sport to get to know someone. 

I would suggest you ask your “interest” to go shoot some hoop. It’s totally innocent and should be pretty easy for you to do. While you’re out playing, it’s simple to carry on a conversation to find out more about her. Afterwards, you could take it further by asking her to grab a drink somewhere or to do it again some time.

However she is feeling towards you (or someone else), you really need to let her know how you feel at some point - the sooner the better. If you don’t let her know, out of fear, embarrassment, shyness, etc., you will be haunted for decades to come. This will be one of those things you go to your deathbed thinking, “I wonder what would have happened if I told that girl way back when how I felt.”

Go ahead and put up the shot, you just may make it!

SHE SAID:

I think its great that you have taken the extra time to get to know this young lady in other ways. From seeing her outside of church to chatting on Facebook, everything helps so that you can gather more information to make decisions. The fact that she doesn't talk much on Facebook is not necessarily an indicator that she isn't interested as I have some friends who write books on Facebook while others barely check it. I do think it is time to make a move. 

You have stated you are attracted to her and would like to let her know this. However, you also said you still do not know that much about her due to her short responses on Facebook. So I think your next move would be to try and spend some more time with her. Where does she hang out? What does she do with her friends? Is there a way to do some group activities so that you can spend more time together? 

I know you are concerned with rejection, like we all are, but at this point if you don't say something to her it will drive you crazy. My suggestion is to be honest and tell her that you have enjoyed getting to know her so far and would like to get to know her better. Would she be open to hanging out sometime? Now some might say this is a fake date but to me, as a Christian, I do not want to date someone unless I think there is potential for something serious. How am I going to get to know a guy better if I don't spend some time with him?

Suggest something during the day or connecting at a group event and sit together. Again, this will allow both of you to gather more information about each other. Then, when the time is right, let her know you would like to have a date or date her. 

All relationships must start with God. First is your relationship with God that grows each day and out of that one, your relationships with others. You should be praying every day about this woman and asking God what he wants. God will give you direction to pursue or back away. God will give you peace. Blessings as you continue to seek the Lords direction.

Matthew 6:33, But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.

GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.

Publication date: January 21, 2016