How to Avoid Being Led On

EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

QUESTION:

I have a situation where I really liked a friend who once in the past told me He is NOT interested in me romantically.  However a few months later, he started acting differently like he changed his mind and was starting to like me.  As a result, we spent a lot of time together, did lots of fun things that couples do and he willing fully did all those things.  Well now, he recently confessed that he was not comfortable with a lot of things we did and the amount of time we spent together and was not completely honest about not being comfortable.  Just like last year he told me that he would NEVER see me in that way and that he NEVER has.  He also told me that he is not attracted to me and has never been.  He says that we have a strong emotional connection but NOT a physical.  And I work with this idiot of a guy! I have to see him every day, which reminds me of how much of a jerk he is and the hurtful things he said to me.  How do I feel forgiveness like the Bible says? How do I feel love towards him that I DON'T have for him? How do I not feel like he's got the upper hand?  I feel like he completely did me wrong and misled my feelings and emotions.  And what's worst is that I was super loyal to him. However I did like him and was a loyal friend. I just would like any Godly helpful advice that you can give me.

HE SAID:

I am sorry for the pain you have experienced at the hands of (another) “idiot of a guy.”

You didn’t mention anything spiritually in your question, like we went to church together, he was a great Christian guy or God told him you shouldn’t be together, etcetera, so I am guessing he is not a believer?

This is not to say it wouldn’t have happened if you were with a Christian, because we all know the same thing can and does happen among believers too, however, at least the hope is we will be a little bit more honest if we’re both following Christ.

Personally I’ve had a pretty strong rule for myself to not get involved with a non-believer nor someone I work with since a break-up would not only affect me emotionally, but could also have an adverse effect professionally.

In regards to your friend, it sounds like he may have truly enjoyed being with you as a couple, but the sudden change of heart makes me wonder if he may be getting outside pressure from others not to. Even if he didn’t, it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and you are better off without him.

The best way to move on in your situation is to do just that. Don’t expect an apology, quit waiting for an explanation and chalk it up to immaturity on his part.  If it’s all about physical for him, count your blessings and feel fortunate you found out earlier than later. 

The pain of feeling deceived may still linger, but by living out your life in the way God designed and planned for you, not letting this experience impact you negatively in the future is how you don’t let him have the upper hand.  And as you grow through this experience and into a new season, God’s love will shine through you and someday you’ll be able to look upon this guy without disdain.

SHE SAID:

Well, I totally understand your anger and hurt. What he did what not only wrong but misleading. You feel betrayed and used. Two things come to mind with your story. He could be a user, only out to meet his own needs. And due to your friendship, you didn’t see or know this side of him. On the other hand, he could be a good guy who just messed up. Perhaps he initially did enjoy his friendship with you to the point he thought hmm, maybe if we do spend some time together the other things lacking, like physical attraction, will change. This makes logical sense in that all relationships have to start at some level of attraction. And through spending time, learning more about a person, you become more or less attracted. He simply took that extra time with you and realized he initial feelings were correct and only saw you as a friend. 

But the problem with this is his lack of sensitivity to your feelings. He should have been upfront and said, “Hey, you know I like you as my friend, and even closer than most friends. I would like to get to know you better by spending some one-on-one time. However, I just want to be clear with my intentions as my friendship with you is very important. I don’t want to mislead you in any way.” I am not sure if this would have helped, especially knowing you had fallen for him, but you would at least not have blamed him later for what he said. 

One thing you have not mentioned is whether he was saved and following Jesus. Remember it's very important that Christians we only date other believers, believers that are close in maturity to yourself. You asked how to forgive. Well, you forgive because Jesus forgave and continues to forgive you. Jesus never said you have to forget, you just have to forgive. In time, it may become easier. If not, you may choose to change jobs. But also look at it like this; if he really is a jerk, then aren’t you glad you didn’t date and eventually marry him. So perhaps God was protecting you all along and He has something far better down the road. So be encouraged and know things will get better, including your broken heart. 

Matthew 6:14 (NIV), "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."

HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.

GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.

Publication date: November 10, 2016

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