Is Kissing before Marriage a Sin?

QUESTION: A younger relative of mine was recently seriously rebuffed by his lady friend (they are both in their 30's) for asking if he could kiss her. They have been seeing each other very seriously for a while, and he has wanted some indication of her affection for him. But when he asked to kiss her, his dedication to God was questioned and the young woman made him feel like slime. Is this a generational thing I've missed out on? Is kissing before marriage a sin?

Christian dating culture seems to exist in a perpetual gray territory. Since the Bible doesn’t have explicit guidelines for dating, as dating didn’t really exist during the time of the Old or New Testament, Christians now have to apply Scriptural principles to innovations of the times: including dating. One of the biggest questions people have is: is kissing a sin?

So when it comes to the idea of Christian kissing, as in sharing more than a holy kiss in a greeting (2 Corinthians 13:12), should we save our first kiss for marriage? Can we kiss before we tie the knot, and how far is too far before marriage? We’ll dive into these questions and more in this article.

Is Kissing a Sin?

Many Christians can get into heated debates about the question of kissing. What really the question really boils down to is the intentions of the heart and mind during the act of kissing. As stated in Ephesians 5:3, we should not allow even a hint of sexual immorality among God’s people.

So the question really is: do you personally believe kissing before marriage falls under sexual impurity as outlined in that verse?

Some might point out that we do, in fact, kiss our family members. This might be a quick peck as a hello or a goodbye. But a passionate tongue-kiss or makeout session is likely not how we are greeting our family members.

A quick peck might fall under the category of phileo love (brotherly/friendship love) depending on each person, but a long kiss marked with sensuality is certainly in the eros category (romantic). 

The Bible makes it clear to avoid having sex before marriage (1 Corinthians 6:18), but as for kissing and other modes of affection, where do they measure up?

To answer this question we should look at temptations we or our partner may face. If either have a previous history with sexual temptation, we may want to avoid activities such as kissing that can prompt sexual thoughts or sexual feelings.

As with many acts that aren’t inherently evil, but can lead to temptation, we should look to the example Paul had mentioned in 1 Corinthians 8. Many Christians would buy meat from temples known for sacrificing to pagan gods. Although some believers didn’t see any harm in the meat, others had superstitions that the meat carried evil spirits.

Paul told the Christians not to serve the meat to those believers who thought eating that meat was sinful, to help them avoid temptation. What was tempting for Christian A wasn’t tempting for Christian B. We can apply this today to how many Christians have differing views on alcohol, clothing, etc.

In the same way, couples should establish temptations they may struggle with when talking about kissing and other acts of intimacy. If someone struggles with sexual sin, they should avoid putting themselves in a compromised mindset.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God (1 Corinthians 10:31-32).

Our actions should not cause someone else to misinterpret the Bible, find justification for wrong behavior, nor lead them to or exacerbate a problem they may already be struggling with. The difficulty comes when one person feels free to act in a certain way while another does not. If you decision to kiss causes someone else to stumble, then it is a sin. 

Is Cuddling and Making Out a Sin?

The same principles we’ve discussed about kissing apply to cuddling, making out, french kissing, and other forms of physical intimacy in a Christian relationship.Any action that stirs up sexual desire or temptation can lead us down a path that doesn’t honor God. While cuddling or making out might seem harmless at first, they can easily become a gateway to stronger temptations and compromise.

The Bible teaches us to be on guard against sexual immorality and to avoid situations that might cause us to stumble. 1 Corinthians 6:18 reminds us to "flee from sexual immorality," emphasizing that any sin committed against the body is especially significant. The more intimate the act, the greater the risk of crossing boundaries that God has set for purity.

Jesus taught that sin is not just about our outward actions but also our thoughts and intentions. In Matthew 5:28, He says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Imagining kissing someone isn’t inherently sinful, but if it leads to lustful thoughts or desires that don't honor God, it can quickly become an issue.

We are called to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). If our thoughts about kissing—or any other form of affection—lead us away from purity, we need to surrender them to God and seek His help in renewing our minds.

Having a boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t a sin in itself, but how we conduct ourselves in the relationship matters. God desires that our relationships reflect His love, purity, and commitment. Christian dating should be approached with intentionality and a focus on honoring God in all things, including emotional and physical boundaries.

The Bible doesn’t condemn romantic relationships, but it does caution us against becoming unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14) and urges us to pursue relationships that encourage spiritual growth and righteousness. Dating should ultimately be about preparing for a Christ-centered marriage rather than engaging in temporary or casual relationships that don’t align with God’s purpose.

Kissing a fiancé before marriage isn’t explicitly labeled as a sin in the Bible, but the key question is: Does it lead you into temptation? Physical affection, even in a committed relationship like engagement, can quickly escalate and stir up desires that are meant for marriage. Jesus' teaching in Matthew 5:29, where He metaphorically advises plucking out an eye if it causes sin, reminds us to take radical steps to avoid anything that leads us away from holiness.

Each couple should prayerfully consider their own boundaries and be honest about whether kissing before marriage aligns with their pursuit of purity and honoring God. Setting clear boundaries early on can help protect against temptation and ensure that the relationship remains Christ-centered.

How Intimate Should Christian Couples Become before Marriage?

What level of intimacy can Christians reach before they’ve fallen into sexual sin? If kissing is OK, where do we draw the line?

This varies from dating relationship to dating relationship. Some Christians don’t even hold hands until marriage, whereas others regularly kiss a boyfriend or girlfriend. The matter at hand is, again, the hearts of those involved. Are these acts of affection done with a clear conscience before God? 

Here, we have to establish the point of dating and how it differs from marriage.

In dating, we seek to know more about a person we can potentially see as a marriage partner. We don’t implement dating as a tool to engage in the bond of intimacy. We reserve that for marriage alone.

But why? Why do we have to wait? Does God just want to see us unhappy until we slip a ring on our significant other’s finger?

No. We have to understand that we chemically bond with someone when we get intimate with them. The Bible has a phrase for it: two becoming one flesh (Mark 10:8). So when we break off a relationship with someone whom we got intimate, it hurts. It rips us apart on a chemical and physical level.

God wants us to avoid this bonding before marriage because he wants us to avoid the massive pain and hurt that follows from a severed relationship. Intimacy is reserved for the safety of the marrige covenant, where both parties have sworn faithfulness and unconditional love before God. Intimacy is vulnerable, and God's heart is to protect us and to protect the sanctity of marriage.

Conclusion

But we do have to understand that intimacy is reserved solely for a marriage covenant relationship. To avoid the hurt that comes from severing a bond between two becoming one, we reserve those acts under the covenant of marriage: where two people vow to become one until death does them part.

As for finding the balance between showing affection to someone whom we can see a future with, and avoiding going too far can differ from Christian to Christian. Early on into the relationship, if you see a potential future with the person whom you’ve chosen to date, make sure to establish boundaries early on.

On a personal note, with one of the men I dated, I had established the boundary that I wanted to save my first kiss for marriage. We ended up ignoring that boundary, and I can’t get that first kiss back. So if someone has a boundary, make sure to respect it. For instance, if someone does not want to kiss until marriage, don’t pressure them to do so until the day of the wedding.

And in all things, let’s avoid causing fellow brothers and sisters stumble, in whatever temptation they may face.

Hope Bolinger is a literary agent at C.Y.L.E. and a recent graduate of Taylor University's professional writing program. More than 450 of her works have been featured in various publications ranging from Writer's Digest to Keys for Kids. She has worked for various publishing companies, magazines, newspapers, and literary agencies and has edited the work of authors such as Jerry B. Jenkins and Michelle Medlock Adams. Her column "Hope's Hacks," tips and tricks to avoid writer's block, reaches 6,000+ readers weekly in the Serious Writer newsletter. Her modern-day Daniel, “Blaze,” (Illuminate YA) released in June, and they contracted the sequel “Den” for July 2020. Find out more about her here.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/AntonioGuillem

Originally published October 31, 2019.