I Want to Win Her Heart, but What if She Turns Me Down?

Editor’s Note: Crosswalk's Singles Advice is an advice column for singles featuring an anonymous question from a Crosswalk.com reader with a thoughtful, biblical reply from one of our single editors.

I've developed feelings for her over time, but I've never been able to tell her because I believe she'll turn me down. There are times I feel like she has to be the one. I've suffered from unrequited love on two occasions now. I've thought so much about trying to win her heart, but then I believe God makes things clear to his servants. I really don't want to do anything that would offset God's plan for my relationship life. What should I do?

Unrequited love is perhaps one of the most frustrating things to experience when it comes to dating.

I think it’s fair to say that there are a lot of people out there who are walking around with feelings for someone who has no desire to date them, but that is not necessarily your case. From what I am gathering, you have feelings for this girl, but you haven’t told her how you feel because you’re scared she’s not going to reciprocate.

I’m going to give you the answer you probably don’t want to hear...tell her.

At the end of the day, people are not mind readers. If you don’t tell her how you feel, then you cannot expect her to know that you like her. Remember, 2 Timothy 1:7 encourages us, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

Don’t let the spirit of fear – which comes from the devil – stop you from pursuing the plan God has for your life.

In my life, I had this guy friend that I liked for years. I felt I was getting mixed signals from him and was waiting on the edge of my seat for him to ask me out. He never did. After two years of hoping he would finally ask me out, I told myself that it was time for me to move on, and that if it was in God’s will; then someday, he would ask me. 

Retrospectively, I’m not so sure that is the best way to go about it. 

God presents us with opportunities and then asks us to have enough faith to listen to his call. If I felt like God was calling me to tell my friend I had a crush on him, and I chose not to anyway, I was choosing my own plan and ignoring the one God had set out for me.

Maybe if I told him, he would have liked me back. Or, maybe if I told him, it would have ruined our friendship. And, of course there is the in-between as well…I could have told him, and nothing would have happened.

Love and dating are all about taking chances.

It’s risky to tell them, and it’s risky not to. I think you need to weigh the significance of your relationship with this girl and make sure that if you tell her, you believe it’s what God wants you to do. 

For me, I get a sense of peace when I finally commit to an answer God has for me, even if I don’t like it. John 14:27 says, “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid.”

You said you felt “unrequited love” before. Spend some time considering, or even writing down, what love means to you. Then, reflect on why you had feelings for the girl from your past who did not have feelings for you. Did you like her because you liked the chase? Because you knew you couldn’t have her? Maybe because she was beautiful or had a beautiful mind? Was it because she had everything you were looking for? Or did you have a genuine connection with her, and it just simply wasn’t the relationship God had in store for you? Or are none of those questions relevant, because you simply never told her?

Pray about your situation, and ask God for clarity on it.

Ask God to reveal to you: Is she really the person He wants you to end up with? Do you have the same values? Do you share the same faith? Is this “unrequited love” similar to the time you felt it before, or is it different?

Ask God if this is the right relationship for you. If He’s silent, maybe you already know what to do, and you just didn’t want what He said to be true. We don’t always hear what God is saying and praying for direction can be a struggle. Have faith that God answers in His own higher way, in His own best timing.

In summation, ask God in prayer until you feel He’s given you clarity on the situation. Think over what you believe God is telling you. Then, if you determine that it is God’s will, I feel it’s a step of faith to be brave enough to risk being wrong.

If you feel led to tell her how you feel, and she doesn’t like you back, then at least you know. And you are free to move on to what’s best for you.

Kayla Koslosky loves her faith journey as a Christian single and is the News Editor for ChristianHeadlines.com. Kayla has worked as a mentor for college leaders offering them advice and assistance throughout their leadership journeys, led a women's Bible study, and wrote an advice column for her college’s Yellow Jacket Newspaper.

Disclaimer: any single editor replying to reader questions through this advice column is a Christian seeking God's direction through his Word. We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. As we explore issues with you, we will seek God's guidance through prayer and the Bible.

Have a question? If you have a question about anything related to living the single life, please email singlesadvice@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be addressed anonymously). While we cannot answer every question, we hope you'll find encouragement in this column.

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