Should You Give Money to Someone You Just Started Dating?

EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

Question:
If a man asks you for financial help after being on a dating site for a few weeks and they make you believe you were meant to be together and they say it’s from God what should a woman do help them or run the other way?

HE SAID:

There are many good and some not so good dating sites, along with noble and ill-intentioned people who use them. No matter how diligent we are, it can be difficult to determine the truthfulness of the subscribers and the profiles they post.

Only through open, honest communication and face-to-face interaction can we hope to gain some insight and understanding of the person we meet and become interested in through the internet.

In regards to money, I have often heard it said, “Don’t loan money unless you don’t care about getting it back.” This is even in regards to family or friends since it often causes a rift in the relationship should one not abide by their (all too often) verbal agreement. 

All this to say, there is a series of questions you may want to ask yourself before writing a check:

Is there no other way he could “raise” the money (otherwise be faced with a life or death situation)?

Does the amount he is asking for in any way affect your personal budget or savings in any way?

If he never returned the money, would it change the relationship or impression you have of him?

Unless you can honestly and truthfully answer all of these questions as a decisive “NO,” I think you already know the answer to your own question. 

Oftentimes when we want something so bad we are willing to overlook our personal values or convictions, convince ourselves and others why it’s such a good idea, and not listen to that still small voice. In those times we push ahead of what God wants for us.

In no way am I saying not to give money or help to others in need, but if you do it has to be out of a willing heart (with no strings or expectations attached).

SHE SAID:

Red flags are going off left and right on this one. First, please know there are many scammers online. This is what this sounds like. They use other people’s profiles and make you think they are real, but in fact they are most likely from another country. These men (and in some cases women) prey on your vulnerabilities, knowing just what to say to pull you in only to ask for money. Oh and they will want more and more over time. 

But let’s pretend for a moment they are not one of these types of scammers, and they are not from a foreign country.  That maybe you have skyped or facetimed and know they are a real person with a face to match their profile. So at what point do you give them money? Well, it will come down to where your relationship is.

While long distance relationships are hard, I do know some that have made it work and eventually led to marriage. Because I am not aware of your exact circumstances as to why he has asked for money, it’s hard to tell you what direction. For some, it might simply be “I want to come visit you but don’t have the funds.” Then in order to take the relationship to the next level, you might want to help them. But if they say, “hey, I lost my 10th job in a row and can’t pay child support for my 5th kid, can you send me some money?” Then maybe it’s time to not only NOT give them money but also end the relationship. 

It comes down to how long you have been in the relationship. Can you verify who they are and what the money is for? To me personally, even if I was dating someone locally and they asked me for money after a short time (whether they thought we were meant for each other or not), I would be concerned. Believe me, I have been there. I was engaged to a man after knowing him 6 weeks. By the 8th week I had bought him a truck because he had sold all his worldly possessions to go to seminary. He knew how to get to my heart. Yep, to say the least, the relationship didn’t last—as this was a symptom of even more problems to come.  

So what to do?

• Start praying and asking God for direction. (Jeremiah 10:23)
• Seek wise friends for their help as well. (Proverbs 13:20)

The fact you are asking for direction from Crosswalk tells me you are not finding peace about this. Remember, never loan or give money away that you can’t afford to lose forever. And if you choose not to give them money and they get upset, then that reveals even more about who they are. So yes, run, run, run. 

HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.

GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.

Publication date: June 23, 2016