When You Feel Like No One Will Ever Like You Back

EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

QUESTION: 

I ask you this because I've never met someone that has asked this question in particular. Can I ask God to take away or destroy any type of feelings I have towards men? (I am a woman by the way). I don't want to feel attracted to them on any level: physically, emotionally, romantically, and even sexually because I've learned during these 23 years of life that no guy that I actually like finds me attractive or likeable. Also, I've never been on a date or been in a relationship either, so probably that's a way of God telling me through the circumstances that I'm not meant to be with someone, that maybe all this time He was trying to tell me I'm way better off alone. So what can I do to not feel sad or depressed? I wish with all my heart I could get rid of all these feelings and not have a crush on any guy anymore, but I can't.

HE SAID:

I spend a lot of time with the twenty-something generation and have learned that immediate seems to be “everything” in their world. What many don’t seem to realize is the importance of the process and journey along the way.

One of the most incredible things about God is that you can ask Him for anything and He hears the cries of your heart. He created each of us uniquely for many roles, situations and seasons throughout our lifetime, not just for this moment, yet everyone hates to wait for what they want now.

If our text isn’t answered immediately, we get frustrated.  If someone doesn’t like what we post right away, we get annoyed. If we don’t get what we want promptly, we get angry.

Our world and behavior has become too instantaneously based. 

The amazing thing about God is that His timing IS perfect…..when He designed it to be (which always seems to be past our breaking point).

He gave you a desire to be in a relationship with a guy. That is a blessing. Maybe you aren’t ready for one right now or maybe the guy He wants you to be with isn’t ready.  Whether we want to admit it or not, we are ALL a work in progress.

What we (think we) want as a twenty-three year old for a mate may not be what’s best for us later in life. Many have been fortunate to have found their lifelong mate early, but so many others have rushed into or, “for fear of being alone,” settled with someone who wasn’t far enough along in their personal growth or journey, only to be disappointed years later.

Before you renounce your gift and blessing from God, ask Him how He wants you to live until He is ready to bring alongside that person you don’t seem willing to wait for.

SHE SAID:

Well first of all, while you can pray for God to take away all attraction to the opposite sex, it is highly unlikely that he will. Why? Because 99.9% of all of us were designed by God to be attracted to the opposite sex in the hopes of getting married one day. Could you be of that .1% that are meant to stay single, sure but based on your question that is not what I am hearing.

What I am hearing is a person who desperately desires to meet someone, fall in love and get married. But the problem is that up to this point of your very young adult life, whomever you liked didn’t like you back or vice versa. This rejection has resulted in much pain. Please know anything worth having in life requires a sacrifice, even an emotional one. Now while I can sympathize with you regarding the lack of men liking you, I also know life is about more than just finding a mate. Here are some things you could do to help you in this area:

1. Are you in a church that has a young adult ministry, small groups, etc. If not, find a church that does and join them so you can meet the opposite sex, build friendships and allow the Lord to lead. Psalm 17:5 says, “My steps have held to your paths; my feet have not stumbled.”

2. Build friendships with the same sex so they can in turn help you with the opposite sex. While you may think you are fine in how men perceive you, your friends may offer you some advice to the contrary. Be sure these friends are following the Lord as well. 1 Corinthians 15: 33 says, “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.”

3. Pray and ask God if there is anything in yourself that needs to change. Often we think we are OK when in fact we struggle with low self-esteem or our past. As a result, it inhibits our relationships.  Psalm 139:23-24 says, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

4. Get some counseling. Counseling is always good for any season of our lives. If you find yourself depressed, a good Christian counselor can help you.  2 Timothy 3:16-17 says, “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.”

5. Get involved in the work of the Lord whether in church or your community. There is nothing more attractive then someone serving the Lord with their whole heart. It keeps the focus off of us. Hebrews 6:10 says, “God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”

Please know, while you make get the green light to pursue a guy, the guy still has to listen to God too to pursue you. We all have choices. Not every guy is ready for a serious relationship much less marriage, especially at 23. Enjoy this time of learning more about who you are and about friendships. I promise, you will not regret this season you are in. It will all be valuable and used by God for HIS purpose.

HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.

GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.