Why Feelings Don't Always Equal a Relationship

EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view.

QUESTION:

I am a born again Christian and have fallen in love with another believer. I really do have strong feelings for him, but I can't decipher if this is God or my mind. I feel I am caught up all in my own plans. I want to follow God's purpose, but each time the guy doesn't reply to my chats or replies in a cold manner. I get really angry and frustrated.  Am I meant to feel like that? Why would I feel so strongly if he's not interested?

HE SAID:

Welcome to being in a relationship!

Since the beginning of time, we have all struggled with being in one.  No matter our age, marital status, financial situation or life experience, none of us are immune to the work and commitment it takes to maintain one.

When you read through the Bible from a relational stand point, you can’t help but smile at how things aren’t so different from our own situation.

Did Adam really want to take the bite of the apple or just afraid of Eve’s response if he didn’t?  (Gen 3:6)

Was Abraham content to wait out God for having a son, but didn’t want to disappoint Sarah by not sleeping with Hagar?  (Gen 16:3-4)

Samson finally got tired of Delilah’s constant nagging and gave up the secret to his strength.  (Judges 16)

Job’s actions were questioned by his wife.  (Job 2:9-10)

If you truly want to follow God’s purpose, do what you hear Him telling you to do.  Only through constant prayer and meditation upon His Word can you gain a semblance of what that may be.

As for relationships, some things to keep in mind, you cannot change another person, you cannot make them hear what you think God is saying to them, and you cannot make them respond in the manner you want.

Take some time to discuss your feelings with him.  See if he feels the same way about you as you do him.

As difficult as it is to sometimes stand by and watch someone not do what (you think) they should, in the end it is their choice and their consequence to endure.  We are only responsible for our own actions. 

If through this relationship, you are not receiving what you want, it is your choice to weather through this period and continue the disappointment with hopes one day he will respond as you want, or to move on.

SHE SAID:

God loves you so much he would never, ever expect you to be mistreated, ignored or abused in any relationship. Sometimes we are in love with the idea of love. In my own similar experience, a guy chased me at first and I loved it. It was so nice to have someone who wanted to be with me, know me and even talk about marriage. However, as time went on, the interaction was less. The length of the phone calls, the frequency, the depth of the conversation was also less. I found myself becoming pathetic while waiting for him. In order to make myself believe he was still interested in me, I would share the initial story of his pursuit over and over to friends, hanging on every initial word he spoke to me. This didn’t mean this guy was a bad guy; he just wasn’t my guy. 

Now why are you drawn to this man despite not being treated with respect? Because sometimes our self-esteem is low, and we think this might be the only guy we will ever be able to get. For some, there is co-dependency that has come from the last relationship. On a more positive note, we have hope and think, if I just hang in there long enough he will change and he will see I am the right one. Sometimes people (our friends) with good intentions can also talk us into staying with them when you know it isn’t right. For me, the peace came when I decided to leave. It hurts but you and I both deserve someone in our lives where both sides are equally interested and respectful. 

Matthew 7:12, In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.

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