What to Do When Someone You Like is Dating Someone Else

EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

QUESTION:

I’m a 24 year old male, and I have never been in a relationship. There were dozens of girls that I had feelings for, and I've made it obvious, but I never got liked back. I don't think I'm that bad looking, and I don't think I'm socially awkward, and yes I am a born again Christian, have a job, and am ready to get married. The last time I really liked someone was 4 years ago right before I became a believer. But now I found someone that I am interested in. I met her on a hike, we talked almost the whole hike, and I really felt like we were making a connection. Then I came across her at church and I just got those feelings where I said "I think I'm really interested in this girl." Later, I talk to her small group leader and find out that this girl has a non Christian boyfriend, and they've been together for a few years. So obviously it's not "equally yoked" to be with a non Christian, and so my immediate thought is "well she can be redeemed, by being with a Christian." I don't even know if she feels the same way as I do about her. My perspective could be flawed since I've never had anyone like me back. So please, any advise?

HE SAID:

First of all, you are not the only person to be in your situation.  It seem like we’re hearing more and more from single adults who are struggling in similar circumstances like yourself - interested in someone, but not being seen as a prospective mate or liked back.

You say in the past you’ve “made (your feelings) obvious,” but what does that really mean?  Did you actually ask the girl out or did you just spend time together hoping she would get the idea.  What I’ve witnessed with many young people these days is that they “hang out,” text, post, chat, tweet, etcetera together, but don’t really share their true feeling audibly with someone they like.

What may seem obvious to some is oftentimes just normal social networking and not deliberate and intentional pursuit.

In regards to your latest interest, it sounds like you really made a connection with her on your hike, but found she is already in a relationship, albeit with a non-Christian.  As tough as that is, you can still be friends and continue to talk. 

Build a casual friendship and allow her to see the difference between a person who follows Christ with one who does not.  Since you haven’t gained the right to speak into her life, sharing how she can be redeemed may not be the most direct way into her heart.

You are also (just) at the cusp of your adult life.  Spend this time getting to know as many people as you can, develop who YOU are in and for Christ and determine what you want to do with your life.

Ultimately we all want someone to walk alongside us in life, not someone to push, pull or make us into who they want us to be.  As God created each of us uniquely to serve many roles in life, He also created (for most of us) someone to do it with.

Don’t worry….For your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  ->Matthew 6:31-32

SHE SAID:

Wow, I can hear your heartache and frustration at this journey of finding love. Let me first address your personal evaluation. I would strongly encourage you to talk to your friends who know you well. Ask them if there is anything in your personality, approach, walk with the Lord that stands out in such a way that could push girls away. While we may feel we are OK, others who care about us may see something different. Their perspective could give insight on some things you could change so that you do get more women to respond in a positive manner. 

Now, onto liking this girl. While I do think your approach was great, going on a hike and talking with her, my concern is your pursuit with someone who is already dating someone. Why would you want to date a person who is not where they need to be spiritually? Even if you had a connection (and by the way, you can have a connection with several women even at the same time), it’s not a green light to pursue them. I know it’s exciting to finally have someone who you hit it off with and like as more than a friend. Yes, she is dating unequally yoked but she has still made a commitment to this man. I think you need to let this one go and allow the Lord to deal with her directly. If she were to break up with this guy, you do not want to be the rebound boyfriend. She will need some time with God alone to sort her own walk and decisions. She will need a friend, not another boyfriend. 

So what is your next step? Build your own friendships (that are following the Lord), praying and asking God if there is anything in yourself that needs to change. Make changes including picking women that are seeking the Lord as you are. Then allow the Lord to do his part. Be encouraged that as you continue to grow in your walk, God will reveal the right paths and the right women to pursue. 

I run in the path of your commands, for you have broadened my understanding. Psalm 119: 32 
 

HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.

GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.

Publication date: October 13, 2016