Why Don't Women Go for Nice Guys?

EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to He Said-She Said (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

QUESTION: Have you ever noticed that the most attractive and interesting women seem to be attracted to men who don't treat them very well? And that the "nicer" you are to a woman the more she often seems to act like "just a friend" to you? Women aren't usually romantically attracted to "nice" guys. Women are attracted to men who are funny, confident, and mysterious. Good looks don't hurt, but if you're not 6'4" tall and model-handsome, then you have to learn how to attract women with your personality. And being "nice" isn't going to do it for you. 

HE SAID: This is an intriguing observation and a debatable question, something many (nice) guys have probably considered in the past, including myself.

It may seem as if “attractive” women are in relationships with “not so nice” men, however to say most are or to generalize the nicer you are to a woman the more she often seems to act like ‘just a friend’ to you may not be completely accurate nor as simplistic.

Media has sold us on the concept “nice guys finish last” and women are attracted to “disrespect,” but my married female friends (all of whom are very attractive and interesting) are with respectful, God-fearing, polite, good, kind men.

Many of us have been misled to follow only Jesus the “nice” God—the passive gentleman playing with children, the teacher peacefully standing before a group of followers, or the well-groomed Lord calmly knocking at the door.

However, the God I follow is full of passion and conviction who lives with a burning desire to share his Word, fighting for the souls of man and standing up to those who come against him. 

Girls don’t grow up dreaming about someday marrying (just) a “nice” guy. Their desire is a “knight in shining armor,” someone who will sweep them off of their feet, take them on an adventure, protect them from all evil, and is willing to fight for whom he loves. 

The reason some women may not be attracted to “nice” guys is because they are only that, nice. There’s nothing wrong with it, but the notion of a quiet, simple, pleasant guy doesn’t conjure up excitement in a girl’s mind.

While that knight may be nice, he is also confident in whom he is, has a cause to fight for, knows what he wants in life and pursues the woman he desires.

Don’t change who you are or try to be what you think would be “more attractive.” Be a man of passion and conviction as our God is and who he made us to be.

SHE SAID: “Bad boys, bad boys ... whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do?” Sorry, but that lyric kept playing through my mind while reading your question.

That aside, I think you bring up a great point about the kind of guys that seem to attract some women (not all . . . and not most, in my opinion). Just as men are intrigued by women who are “hard to get,” I think that some women are intrigued with men who are a little “dangerous.” I remember the John Bender character in the ‘80s film The Breakfast Club played by Judd Nelson. He was the loner-loser-leather-jacket-wearing-guy who was stuck in high school detention on a Saturday along with other kids, one of whom was the class “sweetheart” Claire, played by Molly Ringwald.

Many of us probably wondered why in the world would a popular “good girl” like Claire be fascinated by John? He smoked, he cussed, he apparently liked to destroy school property, and in conclusion, he needed a major attitude adjustment. Still, something drew Claire to him. Perhaps she thought she could change him. Or maybe she saw his potential and knew he could be a better man. Or maybe she had her own issues of poor self-esteem she was dealing with and thought she didn’t deserve a nice guy (or maybe a combination of all of the above . . . who knows).

The way the film ends doesn’t really play into a great answer for your question (she still likes John when the credits roll), but it is a story that illustrates how we are not always attracted to what is good or good for us. And I think it has to do first and foremost with sin (Romans 7:14-24).

If we are honest, that which is sinful is always attractive to us and our earthly natures. Think of Samson who was attracted to “shady lady” Delilah—not exactly the kind of woman he should have been pursuing. But he did it anyway, because he wanted what he wanted and look where it got him (see Judges 13 for the full story).

In the end, and in your case, I think you have to not look at the other guys out there, but focus on being the best “you” that you can be. If you are a “nice guy,” then be the best “nice guy” you can be as you love and serve the Lord by the power of the Holy Spirit. You may not be noticed by the woman you want to notice you right now, but in God’s sovereignty and timing, and should he ordain it, you will be noticed by the woman he has chosen to be attracted to the “nice guy” that is you.

HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is … Laura MacCorkle, Senior Editor at Crosswalk.com. She loves God, her family and her friends. Singleness has taught her patience, deepened her walk with the Lord and afforded her countless (who's counting anyway?) opportunities to whip up an amazing three-course meal for one. 

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately (we think they sound eerily similar sometimes, too!). 

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