Having 'The Talk' With Your Teens

If you are the parent of a teen and haven’t yet talked with him or her openly about God’s amazing plan for sexuality and the intimacy between a husband and wife, I’m afraid the current culture may have spoken in your place. In this age of ubiquitous sexual messages, I am surprised by how many parents still treat the subject of sex as taboo. If you don’t know what a “rainbow party” or “friends with benefits” means, then you may be out of touch with the world your teen lives in every day. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), in 2007, 48% of high school students had had sexual intercourse, and 15% of high school students had had four or more sex partners during their life.^[1]

Tara is having an affair with one of the youth workers. Katie just found out she has an STI (sexually transmitted infection). Noel was date raped by a boy in the youth group. Several young men are addicted to Internet pornography, and Nathan is struggling with feelings of being gay. I wish I could say these were rare cases, but all these teens’ struggles occurred in one youth group (the names have been changed). The same situations are being played out across America – with different names, different faces, and different churches.

How can any young person be fed a steady diet of sitcoms, and movies glamorizing casual sex, one-night stands, sexualized parties and events, without being influenced? The heat in the pot of water has been rising year after year as we become desensitized to sexual material. The water is boiling and our kids are dying. In addition this barrage of data has almost zero negative consequences. Where is the “reality” in all this TV? When was the last time a character contracted an STI for example? The statistics are clear. Each year, there are approximately 19 million new STD infections, and almost half of them are among youth aged 15 to 24.^[2]  

Serious times require serious measures. STIs among teens are going through the roof – the aforementioned statistic is at least five years old. This generation is facing a world that did not exist when you were their age. A clever enemy has distorted the old rules. Most Christian kids think that if they have oral sex they are still virgins, and the rules about what is appropriate keep changing.

Add to the mix, friends teaching friends about sex based on what little they know from the media. Most teens have had no, or minimal, input from responsible adults or parents. This is a recipe for failure and pain. Not just the physical damage, but psychological as well. Younger and younger teens are faced with emotional baggage too big for most adults to carry. Risky games in Jr. High end up as unplanned pregnancies, abortions, or life threatening illness.

Is panic starting to rise? It’s hard not to fear for our children, isn’t it? Do you love your teen? 1 John 4: 18 says, “…perfect love drives out fear.” It’s not too late to start talking to your son or daughter, but the sooner you begin the better. We have a wonderful alternative message they need to hear.

So, how do you begin? Here are a few suggestions I hope will help. Of course every family may have different tolerance levels. I encourage you to push the envelope. It is okay to be uncomfortable; be honest about it. Pray beforehand. Maybe even laugh together to release the tension.  

1.   If your kids are young, the time to start talking is when they start asking questions. It’s always before we, as parents, believe they’re ready. But it’s not one “talk.” It’s an ongoing conversation that fosters trust. Model that you are the expert, who is willing to answer any questions your kids might ask. If you don’t have an answer, it’s okay. Don’t fake it. Find the answer and get back to them.

2.   Avoid making a list of don’ts. Try to focus on the big picture and be sure to talk about natural consequences of behavior. Like giving pieces of your heart away and dragging the ghosts of past relationships into new ones. Break ups, loss of friends, STIs, and pregnancy. Then there are the spiritual consequences of guilt and shame. Get them excited about the plan God created to protect them, emphasizing that it was not created to spoil their “fun.”

3.   Try to move past the details and get to the purpose. For example, instead of being adamant about not dating before a certain age, talk about the reason for dating - which is to find a spouse. Then ask them if they are ready for that kind of commitment. Also talk about the importance of taking their fully developed personality into an adult relationship instead of relying on someone else to validate them.

4.   Don’t forget to focus on the positive. Talk about the perfect and pristine plan of our loving Heavenly Father who created sex for our pleasure and His divine purpose. Just saying, “Don’t do it until you’re married,” makes sex seem dirty and crude. When teens start to learn that sex feels good and is exciting, they may feel as though they’re missing out instead of waiting to explore a hidden treasure.

5.   Stay in the loop enough to know your teens’ friends, but outside enough to be an observer. Don’t try to be their best friend; they need you to be their parent. Keep your ears and eyes open. Pray for God to show you any red flags that need addressing. Also put your teens in touch with other godly adults that your teens respect, and who hold similar values to your own.

6.   As you point your kids away from sex and to relationship, take note of your own example. How does your life represent what you want for your kids? Dads, do you treat all the women close to you the way you want your daughter to be treated? Even if you have sons, you are modeling how your sons should treat women, and to your daughters how she should be treated. Moms model what you will and won’t put up with. If you allow or endure mistreatment at any level, so will your daughters, and/or sons.

7.   Don’t forget to model grace. Make sure your teens know that even if they fail, you will still love and support them. When others fail, respond with grace because your teens are watching! Always point their attention back to Christ and His forgiveness. He is the only one with all the answers, so go to Him together.

My desire is not to instill fear but to empower parents through their love to be proactive. Regardless of the choices our teens make (some will be good and some bad), God is big enough to use all choices for their growth and His glory. Parenting is not for the faint of heart! No one knows this better than our Heavenly Father, who loves us and guides us through the terrifying, terrific teen years.

^[1] CDC. Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance—United States, 2007 [pdf 1m]. Morbidity & Mortality Weekly Report 2008;57(SS-4):1–131.