Have you ever stopped to think about why you got married? When I married Will some twenty-four years ago, I wanted love, babies, sex (a tremendous motivation pre-wedding), and to live happily ever after. Will would say his goal was nearly identical—with the exception of the order. And that was good, but honestly, we married for all the wrong reasons. We were hoping to find ultimate fulfillment in each other. To recognize our deepest dreams and desires through each other. And to be elevated to greater fulfillment through each other.
After nearly twenty-five years of marriage, I would say that Will and I have been elevated to greater fulfillment, but not in the ways we originally thought. Instead, we have discovered our marriage mission—and it's all about helping other people. Now, you might be thinking, oh, of course, you're a ministry couple—that's your job to help other people. But if you think about it from a spiritual standpoint, it's not just our job. It's your job too.
In a nutshell, we're here on planet Earth to fulfill the greatest command: love God and love others. That's our job. And to the extent that we achieve that goal through our marriage, we will find the greatest joy. For Will and me, it truly has nothing to do with "being in ministry." First and foremost, we're full-time Christians—hopefully just like you and your husband. And full-time Christianity equals loving God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength—and loving others as you love yourself (Mark 12:28-30).
That is what drives me personally, and it's what drives my marriage collectively. While Will and I love each other immensely, we are also out there loving God and others as practically and purposefully as possible. And while doing so, we are fulfilling our mission to love and serve people. And it's in this comprehensive context that we find meaning in our marriage. A meaning that is much bigger than ourselves.
What's Your Marriag Mission?
So maybe you're interested in the proposal of finding your unique mission in marriage. You realize that all the material glitz is getting you in trouble financially. And that the goal of "happiness" or "babies" or even "sex" didn't really end up like you wanted it to. You're thinking that by at least entertaining this idea, you just might end up with a marriage that exceeds your dreams. Well, that's step one—realizing that just maybe there's even more to your marriage than you can see. But after that, how should you go about defining what your mission looks like? Great question.
First off, the search should be entirely organic. You don't have to suddenly change your personality, sell your house, and drop off the face of the earth. Far from it. It really all starts with what you have in your life right now. Likely, you have several things that could be leveraged for the greater good. You probably have a place you call home, some individual and collective passions as a couple, and hopefully a newfound compulsion to make a difference in others' lives. That's perfect.
I'll give you a few examples of how this has worked in the lives of three very real couples. Take David and Christy May. They've been married fifteen years and have three lovely children. Their two oldest are girls, Madelyn (thirteen) and Courtney (eleven). Both the girls and Christy love riding horses. As a result of David's success in business, they had the opportunity to buy and develop a prime piece of property and open an equestrian center—Lone Star Stables was the result. It's a private barn inside the city limits that houses around twenty horses and trains about forty clients. It's not only a family business replete with the girls scooping out stalls, feeding horses, and doing whatever is needed, but it's also a place where, because of David and Christy's open love of God, people get to hear about Christ in a friendly, relaxing environment. The Mays are also in the early stages of creating a program at the barn to help underprivileged children with autism through equine therapy.
Or another couple, my sister and brother-in-law Linda and Jim Stafford. Their house is perched high above a greenbelt—a lovely, open place to catch a sunset. With almost weekly regularity, Linda and Jim invite people over for a barbeque and sunset watching. It doesn't matter if you're married, single, young, or old—you're invited. Jim fires up the grill for some of the best fajitas in town, and Linda grabs a basketball to start an informal game for those who are up for it. Without fail, people express their unwavering appreciation for Linda and Jim's continual, everyday hospitality.
Or Kevin and Joni Kendrick. They devised a pretty radical, everyday way to live out their marriage mission. After over a decade of marriage with very little desire for children, they saw a story on the news about three siblings who were coming out of foster care and needed a "forever family." Joni and Kevin were so compelled that they decided to adopt them. Now Kevin and Joni wake up and see their marriage mission every morning—in the faces of Kelsey (seventeen), Tyler (fifteen), and Jordan (twelve).
Will and I have a different marriage mission. Ours is more about communication. Aside from founding a church where Will is the senior pastor, we both author books and view publishing (and all that comes with it) as our marriage mission. It includes writing very honestly about our lives and marriage. It includes lots of not-so-glamorous "business" travel away from family when we're promoting the books. And it also includes an ongoing commitment to granting some grace to whichever of us is in a freakish, frantic writer mode with a deadline.
A marriage mission is about understanding that the union you share is not just about the two of you. Your marriage has a higher calling and a bigger vision—and that can change everything.
June 26, 2010
Excerpted from Uncovered: Revealing the Secrets of a Sexy Marriage (Revell, a division of Baker Publishing) by Susie Davis. Copyright 2010 by Susie Davis.
Used by permission. All rights to this material are reserved. Material is not to be reproduced, scanned, copied, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without written permission from Baker Publishing Group
Susie Davis is the author of several books, including Parenting Your Teen and Loving It, and is a popular retreat and conference speaker. She is founder and director of Susie Davis Ministries (www.susiedavisministries.com) and has a passion for helping others develop God-centered relationships.