Editor's Note: Pastor Roger Barrier's "Ask Roger" column regularly appears at Preach It, Teach It. Every week at Crosswalk, Dr. Barrier puts nearly 40 years of experience in the pastorate to work answering questions of doctrine or practice for laypeople, or giving advice on church leadership issues. Email him your questions at roger@preachitteachit.org.
Dear Roger,
What can we do about the person in our small group who talks too much? He has a “know it all attitude” and tries to dominate every conversation. It is getting to the point where we are talking about how to get him out of the group. Any help?
Sincerely, N
Dear N,
My experience is that people tend to come in three categories. I call them Drainers; Energizers; and Neutrals. Most any small group has at least one from each category.
Let me illustrate each of the three types of persons.
Let’s say a Drainer invites you over to dinner. You really don’t want to go; but, since they are in your small group, you really have to go. You get there at 7:00 pm and after what seems like several hours you look at your watch—only 7:30 pm! They are sucking you dry!
On the other hand, some people are what I call Energizers. Let’s say that an Energizer invites you to dinner. You look forward to the evening for several weeks. Finally, Friday night arrives. You ring the doorbell at 7:00 pm. You have been there for what seems like 30 minutes. You look at your watch—11:30 pm! Where did the evening go! You walk down the sidewalk and say to yourself, “What a great evening! I can hardly wait to be with them again.
Finally, there are what I call the Neutrals. You go to their house for dinner at 7:00 pm and about two hours later you look at our watch and it is 9:00 pm. Most of the people we know are Neutrals. We have a nice time with them and if we do or don’t have dinner with them again, it really doesn’t matter. They are just good people to be around.
Now, let me share several observations.
First, Jesus had some of each type in His discipleship group. Peter, James, John were Energizers. Philip, Matthew, Andrew and Nathaniel were Neutrals. Thomas and Judas were Drainers. If we are not careful we will try to spend all of our time with the Neutrals and Energizers—and avoid the Drainers.
In following Jesus we must keep a balance. We need some Energizers who are like best friends. We may not need the Drainers; but, the Drainers might need us.
Drainers for some people might be Energizers for others.
Now, let me be more specific in answering your question. It is not necessary to allow the Drainers in your group to dominate and ruin it. Sometimes in church work we refer to the Drainers as EGRs—Extra Grace Required. They need a little more grace and guidance.
Usually, they don’t recognize that they are dominating or “ruining” a group. Set some boundaries. Designate two or three from your group to approach the Drainer and outline his or her offending behaviors. They might well be so offended that they quit the group. Well, that is a shame; but that’s their choice. However, many will respond well.
Next, explain to them the offending behavior. You’re not just helping them function better in your group; you are probably helping them in improving many of their life skills.
Then, set up some boundaries. For example, they are not allowed to interrupt one who is already speaking. They may speak in the group setting no more than three minutes at a time. They have to let five people speak before they can have another turn. Then, make up a signal for when they overstep the boundaries: like clearing your throat twice, or snapping your fingers. Make the signal not too obvious, but enough to get their attention.
Be certain that everyone in the group knows the boundaries and the signals so all can help modify the Drainer’s behavior.
There is no reason to let anyone ruin your group. Don’t suffer in silence. Take the “bull by the horns” and address the problem in a kind and loving way. Like Paul did:
“We were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us” (1 Thessalonians 2:7-9).
Well, N, I hope this helps. My advice won’t work in all situations; but I hope it works in yours.
Love, Roger
Dr. Roger Barrier recently retired as senior teaching pastor from Casas Church in Tucson, Arizona. In addition to being an author and sought-after conference speaker, Roger has mentored or taught thousands of pastors, missionaries, and Christian leaders worldwide. Casas Church, where Roger served throughout his thirty-five-year career, is a megachurch known for a well-integrated, multi-generational ministry. The value of including new generations is deeply ingrained throughout Casas to help the church move strongly right through the twenty-first century and beyond. Dr. Barrier holds degrees from Baylor University, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and Golden Gate Seminary in Greek, religion, theology, and pastoral care. His popular book, Listening to the Voice of God, published by Bethany House, is in its second printing and is available in Thai and Portuguese. His latest work is, Got Guts? Get Godly! Pray the Prayer God Guarantees to Answer, from Xulon Press. Roger can be found blogging at Preach It, Teach It, the pastoral teaching site founded with his wife, Dr. Julie Barrier.