EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: I fell in love with a friend from college, and prayerfully think she is my potential wife. We are both out of college now, so I made my intentions known to her. However, she says she’s not ready yet, and doesn’t want to burden herself with a relationship. She says if it’s God’s will, we’ll end up together (we still regularly communicate as friends). I’m so worried that I’m going to lose her. What action should I take?
HE SAID:
People go to college for different reasons. In the “olden days,” the belief was women went to find a husband, which may have been true in some cases, however today women make up nearly half of the entire workforce and most are truly pursuing their education.
Both of you just spent the last four years of your life (or more) working towards that goal, receiving a college degree and preparing yourself for a career.
If your “friend-interest” actually used the words “I don’t want to burden myself with a relationship,” those are pretty strong words and communicate a great deal where she currently is in life. From the sound of it, she wants to pursue other things aside from focusing on a relationship, which is quite understandable considering this season of her life.
As hard as it is, your best course of action at this point is to focus on what God wants you to do. Try not to let your emotions dictate your course of action, but rather where God is leading you to go spiritually, ministry-wise and vocationally, while along the way being the best friend you can be to her.
I have found the more time and effort I spent concentrating on and pursuing a woman who was more interested in something else, the more I pushed her away. If her focus is not on the relationship, no matter what you do will change her mind or attention, and you will be seen as one who doesn’t care about her interest.
If you truly care for and love your friend, in the way Christ loves her, you will want what is best for her and in his time, even if that doesn’t include you at this stage in her life. Oftentimes when we get consumed with an idea it becomes difficult to think of anything else or any other possible scenarios, but in God’s realm, everything is possible and probable through him.
As she mentioned, if it IS God’s will, you will end up together.
SHE SAID:
I hate to say this but it doesn't sound like she is in love with you. Those comments are code for "you are not the one." If the right one did come along, believe me, she would all of a sudden be ready to date.
While she may care about you and enjoy your friendship, there is a kind of disrespect in her comment. If it's God's will we will end up together? She doesn't appear to have thought about your feelings. Are you supposed to wait for her? How long should you wait? What if she started to date someone, should you still wait? Crazy!
Yes, while, there are plenty of folks who are friends during one season and then reconnect in a later season to ride off in the sunset together, the odds are not in your favor. If you wait for her, you may end up missing out on the life God has for you. I would not wait. I would move on with your life and see what God has planned.
And if she is really the only one, then yes, one day you both will end up at the local coffee shop drinking your double espresso while surfing the net and your eyes will meet again. The only bad thing is... you might be 65 when it happens. If that's ok with you, then wait. I guess what matters is what you do while you wait.
Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long (Psalm 25-4-5).
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of three books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.
Publication date: August 28, 2014