It was midnight, and the students from my student ministry program had been working all day in Northside, Richmond, VA—an under-resourced area of town. I was tired, they were tired (sort of) and it was about time for us to go to sleep. We had decided to spend the night at the church that night, 175 students crammed into two rooms, because we had to wake up early and go back to work the next day, and it made it feel like more of an event. As I was walking to the bathroom, I saw a group of kids surrounded by a massive flight of stairs cheering one another on as they slid down on an air mattress. Of course, I put an end to it as soon as I saw it and quickly stormed to the office, where the rest of the staff was congregated, and I asked, “Did you all know students are riding down stairs on an air mattress?”
One person responded, “Yeah, doesn’t it look fun?!”
“NO,” I said, “It doesn’t look like a lot of fun, it looks dangerous and a good opportunity for a lawsuit.”
Quickly, my wife looked at me with disapproval and said, “Steve (a patronizing use of my name to show that I’m being lame), relax—they’re just blowing off steam and no one is going to get hurt.” Quickly I realized that I had become everything I hated in student ministry—lame. After being shamed with my lameness, I decided that I would go back to the students, who of course were acting as if they still weren’t going down the steps as I rounded the corner and took the next ride down. I was a hero, and the student ministry was better that night.
I think if we’re all honest, we want to make our student ministry better. So I’m going to give you four common mistakes student ministry pastors make (and how to avoid them). These are things I wish I had been told early in my student ministry days, and I’m going to pass them on to you!
Mistake #1: You Lack Self-Care
You’re busy, I get it—but you have to have self-care. This is the most overlooked aspect of ministry. The pastors see themselves as the givers of grace to others but forget to experience daily grace themselves. Lacking good self-care causes burnout and forces poor ministry decisions which affect those around you. I’m tired of hearing stories of student ministry pastors defaulting out of ministry because of poor decisions, stress, and no accountability. God has called you to a place of leadership, and when we’re given leadership—we must be healthy. Self-care ensures longevity and solidifies emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being.
Good self-care starts with God and ends with you. Creating space in your life for God to minister to your needs is essential to movements towards grace as a leader of students. Self-care involves taking time for you and creating space in the margins for you to refuel and enjoy life. Make sure you’re setting aside a weekly day off, where you can completely check out from being involved with students. Creating space in your margin allows you to spend time in spiritual disciplines that will lead you closer to God. This is so essential to providing yourself with health and stability.
Mistake #2: You Make it All About the Rules
This might be my favorite. Too often, the church isn’t known for what it’s for, instead only for what it’s against. It is because of this that students are terrified to step foot into a church. Would you want to go to a place that you felt out-of-line? Rules do little to promote a relationship with Jesus.
Do you want to have a dynamic student ministry? You have to allow space for people to experience grace—not just a ton of rules. Students need to know that you’re for them to succeed in all areas of life, not just faith. Don’t turn a student away from a retreat because they turned in a form on the day of; MAKE IT HAPPEN!
I would recommend doing away with rules and only having suggestions. Your students will listen to you if you have strong relational equity and healthy spiritual relationships. If you have that one kid who is a “troublemaker” and clearly putting herself or himself at risk—pull them aside and ask them to take a larger part in leadership. I will never forget when my youth pastor pulled me aside and said, “Stephen, what are you doing? Every freshman here looks up to you; you are a leader to them. When they see you talking and acting nuts—they are going to follow you. What are you going to do with your influence?” I was blown away; in that moment, my leader, someone I trusted, pulled me aside and gave me leadership without explaining rules. That was a game-changer for me and, in a small way, caused me to go into student ministry many years ago. Which leads me to number 3.
Mistake #3: You’re Creating Followers Instead of Leaders
Delegating a task doesn’t create a leader—it creates a follower. The church could use fewer followers, particularly in high schools and middle schools. We need folks who will be leaders. Wipe the word “delegate” out of your leadership vocabulary, and give away appropriate responsibility for leadership. When we delegate, we are merely acting as a dictator with our vision. Delegation takes the onus off your student or volunteers and creates zero buy-in. Your entire goal as a leader is to multiply. The only way to multiply yourself is by investing in others' leadership and giving them an opportunity to grow. What takes place when your volunteers and students are given leadership is that they are now owners of your student ministry. They have invested interest in what happens and what takes place daily. You have just created more leaders.
You will be surprised by how quickly your ministry will grow if you start to empower others and create space for you to rest—see how this is all connected? And… even better, you will have someone to talk about sex to your students (just kidding, you still have to do that yourself).
Now, a few things I’ve done to create a leadership culture in the past is to have clear roles laid out and give people a brief one-sentence job description. I also spend ample time creating a student leadership curriculum that helps prepare students for the challenges and expectations of the culture. Most importantly, you have to lead with actions and not words. Your words are powerful, but your actions co