"Oh, Mom, the dress you bought for the wedding is gorgeous," Jessica stated.
"The color is perfect; the blue makes your eyes sparkle. You look ten pounds thinner. But I’ve got some bad news," she continued.
"Dad's new wife just bought the same dress for the wedding."
Pausing for a moment, the mom spoke, "It’s okay, honey. This is your special day. I won’t let a squabble over a dress destroy the occasion."
"But Mom, you love it so much. It's not fair that you don't get to wear it."
"Who said I'm not going to wear it?" Mom inquired.
"I think it's more appropriate for the rehearsal dinner,” her coy smile said it all. “Don't you, dear?"
There's nothing like a wedding, graduation, birthday party, or family reunion to get the fur flying in a stepfamily. Traditions and lifelong dreams are often tied to these events. Which can stimulate friction, antagonism and mayhem.
If a stepparent is going to enjoy—in some situations survive—special occasions, here are a few helpful tips.
1. Listen to the Kids
After 30 years as a stepmom, I let my stepsons decide how much of a role they want me to play, or not play, at their events.
When my stepsons got married I asked them, "Do you want/need me to be a part of this? I'm fine either way. This is your wedding, and as a child of divorce myself I know stepfamily situations can make it complex. I want to be there for you, but I don't want to cause additional stress."
2. Act Unselfishly
Even if you don't like the other parent, or you have been the primary caregiver, the reality is this child has a parent. And it’s not you. Even if he/she is unstable, abusive, or absent, kids typically want their parent to be front and center on special occasions.
Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. It’s about loyalty and craving the love of a parent.
Here’s what a smart stepmom says: "Michael, I know your graduation is coming and I know that you get a limited number of family tickets. I want to make this easier for you. If you only have one seat, and not two, I want you to ask your dad to sit up front with family."
This unselfish attitude can go a long way in building the relationship between the stepparent and stepchild. Often stepping aside, rather than stepping ahead, is all it takes.
3. Expect Awkward Photos
Before my stepsons got married I told my husband, Steve, “I want you to offer to be in a picture with your son and his mother on his wedding day." He didn’t need to say anything; his face said it all. I was undeterred. "One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a photo with his parents. Children long to believe that they were conceived in love, and not the hatred they have experienced after the divorce. Do this for your son," I encouraged. And he did.
The bride and groom wanted stepfamily photos too, which included me. But I never asked, because the day wasn’t about validating me as a stepparent.
4. Lower Your Expectations
If the ex-spouse or former in-laws have been nasty toward the stepparent in the past, assume they will outdo themselves during a special occasion.
When you combine stress, stir in jealousy and unresolved resentment, mixed with people who don't like each other, and top it off with a few cocktails, you have a perfect storm.
You can’t control the foolish actions of others. You can remain mature and sensible, even when others start slinging mud.
5. Consider Staying Home
On occasion it’s better if the stepparent doesn't attend. If his/her presence is going to cause such a great potential for disaster and tension for the kids and your spouse, it may be better to bow out.
I advise calmly explaining the reasons to the stepchild. "Josh, you and I both know your mom doesn’t want me at your graduation. She caused such a scene at the last event, I know it embarrassed you. She is threatening to do it again and that’s unfair to you. Because I want you to enjoy this special day, I’m going to stay home. But I don't want you to think I don't care—I do.”
Your spouse might not be too happy about this decision, but then it's not about him/her—it’s about the child.
After 30 years of being a stepmom I now ask this question, "When I'm gone, and my stepfamily is reminiscing about that special day, will they remember me as someone who helped them enjoy the day, or did my actions as a stepparent make it more difficult?"
Copyright © 2016 Laura Petherbridge. All rights reserved.
Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on stepfamilies, relationships, divorce prevention, and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce, The Smart Stepmom, co-authored with Ron Deal, 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom and Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Her website is www.TheSmartStepmom.com.
Publication date: July 20, 2016