EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION:
I’m a 28-year-old single Christian woman. I've been a serious Christian who would never date unbelievers since age 22. But last year, I decided that maybe I should be more open, since I never had a serious relationship with a Christian man in these last 6 years. I decided to wait till marriage for intimacy. But Christian men rarely ask me out, and they never pursue and court me.
I am seriously concerned that I will never marry. And this wouldn’t be such a problem if I had experienced a real relationship including sex before. I feel like I tried the right thing and didn’t date unbelievers and saved myself for marriage, but now I'm in the situation where I am getting older and I am in the same position that I was at 22. I feel like my time is running out; and that I've been following an outdated dating model from the Bible that doesn't work anymore. (Most married Christians I know were having sex while they were dating.)
Is it okay to try sex, just to not be a virgin in your 30's? After this experience, I plan to continue with my Christian walk. I am starting to truly wonder if there is something wrong with me.
HE SAID:
Each of us reaches points along our journey where we are faced with relatively major decisions or milestones in our life often unbeknownst to the seriousness of our choice at the time. What may seem like a relatively “no-brainer,” has the possibility of becoming a solemn regret years later.
The story of Abraham speaks to this and the promises God made to him regarding his family; however life, time and reason got the better of him (and his wife), and seduced him into sleeping with Sarai’s slave conceiving a son with her.
It may have seemed to be the only logical choice and was an “attempt” to help God advance what He told them would happen anyways, but they went ahead of God’s plan, and from that moment on, their life and history was changed forever.
I totally empathize how someone in your situation may feel as if God has forgotten you, hasn’t answered your prayers, seems light years away and feel you will never experience intimacy. Before you delve into dating a non-Christian so you can experience more, please hear me out not as someone who has all of the answers, because I don’t, or doesn’t appreciate how you feel, because I seriously do.
Let’s say you do find a nice non-Christian guy to have a relationship with, but it doesn’t end up in marriage. How will you be perceived by the next guy, or the next guy, or the one you really want to be with someday? What if you should conceive or catch something along the way, then what?
A book which has helped me through my bout with singleness and a source of encouragement is The New Rules for Love Sex & Dating by Andy Stanley.
In it he challenges us to “be the person the person you are looking for is looking for,” rather than just seeking the one you want to be with. He reminds us that what may only seem like a physical act is also an emotional one which often has repercussions lasting longer than one night.
All this to say, reconsider and try to think past the immediate gratification to the consequences of what your actions may mean in this and future situations and relationships.
SHE SAID:
This question and letter has made me sad and concerned. What has happened to you in your life that you think so little of yourself? You are God’s beautiful creation, dearly loved by our Savior. He is working in your life, even in the waiting for a husband. And God is worth the wait.
Believe me, he knows every part of your body and all your needs. He created sex but designed it for a husband and wife. Do not allow what you do not know or others to persuade you. While it may seem like an option to go ahead and have sex, it will only lead to pain. IT WILL affect your relationship with the Lord. IT WILL affect your future marriage. IT COULD give you a venereal disease as they are at an all time high. YOU COULD end up pregnant. All to just have sex.
God designed sex as something beautiful, meant to be shared the right way. The right way is without guilt or shame. How do I know? Because I didn’t wait when I was your age. And now I can never take it back. Yes, God has forgiven me but the memories will never leave me.
Remember the goal of the enemy: to steal, kill, and destroy. But remember also that Jesus came to give life. (John 10:10) The enemy’s goal is to steal your virtue, your self-esteem, the truth of God’s Word, your values, your strength, and your patience. He then wants to kill you personally by way of disease, addictions, wrong choices, as well as kill your dreams of a husband who has also waited. He then wants to destroy any hope you have of a future led and designed by God through Jesus Christ.
Please, please wait and know the value of this far exceeds not waiting. Surround yourself with strong Christian friends who are also waiting (as I have many who have not had sex prior to marriage), who can support and encourage you.
Ask God what in you needs to change to be more like Christ? Allow the Lord to make these changes. A great resource that also might help is www.PrayforaMate.com. You could start a group that would bring the focus on waiting on God through prayer. I will be praying for you as well. Waiting produces fruit, and fruit is used for the kingdom. Read the Scriptures below, meditating on them for God to reveal his truth to you.
Romans 8:18, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
Galatians 5:22-23, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.
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Publication date: December 8, 2016