EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION:
Me and a good Christian guy have been together for a few months. Before telling our feelings to one another, we were in a close brother/sister friendship. We have been living right for God in our relationship and all, but something keeps getting in the way of our relationship. He thinks it's God's way of letting us know that we shouldn't be together, but I think it's the devil just trying to get in our way, since we worship God together and keep him in the middle of our relationship. Who could be right and why? And not to mention that we both want this to work out and last.
HE SAID:
With minimal information and back-story, it’s difficult to discern what is exactly happening in your relationship. Sometimes even with the purest of hearts we can hope or fear an outcome into being, or at the least worry ourselves to death about.
When we begin a relationship, it’s a time for us to learn whether the other person shares our beliefs, is committed to living in a similar fashion, are who they say they are and if they’re someone we want to share the rest of our life with. However long this determining period takes, we will face challenges. To critique each negative situation as the devil resisting or God speaking against it, or every positive experience as the Lord’s blessing or Satan’s handiwork can be dangerous.
All we can do as believers in Christ is to walk with Him, grow in Him and do our best to be like Him in all that we do, especially in regards to relationships.
The bumps in the road you are experiencing may just be a signal you’ve focused too much time on each other rather than furthering what God called you for specifically and individually at this moment in time. It may be a notice to slow the relationship down or a sign some sort of change is to come in another area of your life requiring attention. Maybe it’s just a prodding to spend more quality time communicating with one another.
Bottom line, God calls us to be obedient in our actions, not for determining the outcome.
Continue to walk in your Christ-led journey with your boyfriend. Pray together for wisdom, timing and guidance for the two of you. Seek His voice first and foremost.
Whatever the reason for or cause of the obstacles, step back, gain a different, neutral and uncomplicated perception of your situation. Sometimes a little space and time does wonders on your perspective.
SHE SAID:
Wow, without knowing some of the actual circumstances of what you are experiencing it would be hard for me to give you an exact direction. But, because I do believe that the man is the leader of the relationship as there cannot be two “roosters,” I would lean towards what your boyfriend is saying. I know, probably not what you wanted to hear (nor others who are reading this). Your and your boyfriend’s maturity in Christ will have an affect on leadership in the relationship. While I believe all relationships take two to grow, there are going to be times you will not agree. Unfortunately, agreeing with him would mean you would break up; I know that is not what either of you desire. So here are some questions/thoughts…
Look at the things that you feel are an attack of the enemy and test them. What do they look like? Are there differences in theology? Are old boyfriends/girlfriends coming up in the picture? Are you in agreement on a future including marriage? Children? Are you communicating well? Are you taking the time to talk? Are you praying together about your relationship? Have you sought wise counsel from a pastor/leader/parent? If it’s that important then you have to do whatever it takes to protect your relationship.
While the enemy loves to take something simple to cause issues, his goal is to always tear down and destroy: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10).
God’s goal is to build up: Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification (Romans 14:19). So even if the challenge of staying together is difficult, you’ll see how these challenges are growing and building you towards God.
The devil’s attacks might be his effort to destroy what God has brought together. But if these challenges are not growing you and instead you find yourself more distant from each other or you find you are not equally yoked as a couple, this could be in fact God saying you are not meant to be together. Either way, as you pray, you will get the peace you need. It might still hurt but you will both know and be in agreement. And because you were friends before, it’s possible you can still be friends after.
Another option is to stop seeing each other (even as friends) for a while, allowing some clarity outside your emotions, which often distract. If he is the one, he will still be the one in a couple of months. And then you will both know for sure.
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.
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