10 Pieces of Bad Advice Newlyweds Have Heard but Shouldn't Follow

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

What the Bible doesn’t tell you is how when you get married, you become the target for an influx of incredibly personal, mostly well-intended, but often downright awful marriage advice. Everyone and their mother is now trying to play Dr. Phil in your relationship when you didn’t even ask for their input. This advice comes from friends, family, random strangers, your coworkers, people you might have sat next to in 10th grade geometry, your optometrist... the list goes on and on.

The fact of the matter is, all relationships are different. Things that work well for one couple might drive a wedge between another. You have to take each piece of advice with a grain of salt and keep what works for your marriage.

In the meantime, let’s talk about the 10 pieces of lousy advice newlyweds have heard but shouldn't follow.

Photo courtesy: Unsplash.com

1. Your wedding should be a huge (and expensive) party.

“You only get married once! Make your wedding a once in a lifetime event! Don’t be afraid to break the bank a little!”

These well-meaning advice-givers are right about one thing: a wedding is hopefully a once in a lifetime event. But that doesn’t mean you have to invite everyone from your mailman to your mother’s cousin’s boss to your wedding. You also don’t have to rent out the governor’s mansion, serve a four-course meal, or wear a wedding dress that costs the same as a down payment for a house.

Instead, focus on making the wedding reflect you and your spouse. When my husband and I got married, we had a backyard wedding in the mountains, kept the guest list to 35, ate chili and cornbread, and had donuts for dessert. It was simple, but it was perfect for us. Remember: your wedding is only one day, but your marriage is for the rest of your life.

Photo courtesy: ©Thinkstock/monkeybusinessimages

2. You HAVE to go on a honeymoon.

Once you announce your engagement, you’ll start to get bombarded with questions about your honeymoon plans. And, people will be quick to give you their recommendations on location, activities, and length of the trip. I even had one person tell me that a honeymoon under three weeks wasn’t even worth taking!

If you can afford to take time off and have the financial resources to take a honeymoon, that’s wonderful. If you can only get away for a day after your wedding, that’s great, too. Even if you return to your apartment after your nuptials and don’t leave town at all, that’s beautiful, also! Don’t let the pressure of taking some breathtaking (and expensive) tropical honeymoon set you up for a rough first year of marriage because you’re stretched too thin. Live within your budget!

Photo courtesy: ©Thinkstock/NicoElNino

3. Don't go to bed with unresolved conflict.

This advice is great in theory. Gosh, my husband and I even tried to live by that in our first few months of marriage. But we quickly realized that trying to hash things out at midnight wasn’t our best bet. (I don’t know about you, but I get incredibly emotional past a particular time. That time is 10. Just kidding—it’s 7:30, but that’s okay.)

Instead of forcing ourselves to battle through this emotional drudgery, we table our discussions, get some sleep, and talk about it in the morning. This decision turns a 90-minute late night argument in bed to a 10-minute conversation over breakfast. It’s been a life (and marriage!) saver.

The critical thing to remember is that having conflict is not the same as not loving your spouse. It all comes down to that fact that there’s no exact science to handling conflict in your marriage. Find what works best for you, communicate honestly, and find a resolution.

Photo courtesy: ©Thinkstock

4. Talk things out with your friends.

Maybe you and your spouse get in a big fight. Or perhaps you’re just tired of picking his socks up off the floor or are annoyed by the way she never rinses the sink out after brushing her teeth. No matter what’s bothering you, your go-to shouldn’t be a vent session with your friends.

I get it—I do! It feels so good to get those irks off your chest. It feels even better to know that you’re not in the only marriage that faces these issues! But, if you turn to your friends enough, you can get trapped into a spouse-bashing circle. And I don’t know about you, but I’d hate to have my dirty laundry aired to all my husband’s friends!

My biggest recommendation is to find a marriage mentor, one person a few years (or even decades!) ahead of you who can help walk you through issues you’re having. But even still, check with your spouse about the topics you’re bringing up, especially sensitive issues like sex. You always want to ensure you're respecting your marriage first.

Photo courtesy: ©Thinkstock/Huntstock

5. Get your finances in order before you're married.

You guys—there’s no advice more practical than getting your finances in order. But, it's ridiculous to postpone your life and marriage until your money is in tip-top shape.

Finances will never be perfect. They can always be better. And even if you do get your bank account is in a great place, there's no guarantee it'll stay that way. You’re one fender-bender, pink slip, or busted water-heater away from having your finances be less-than-ideal.

What you should be working towards is financial knowledge and responsibility. Find out exactly what you're making, what you're spending, and what you're saving. Get all your debt out in the open and develop a repayment plan. Have honest conversations with your fiancé leading up to the wedding, and work with your spouse post-wedding to set a budget (and stick to it!).

Photo courtesy: ©Thinkstock/AndreyPopov

6. Be each other's everything.

“When you get married, you’ll become each other’s everything. Your husband will be your moon, and you’ll be his sun.”

Uhm… no, thank you?

Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for your spouse being your best friend. I spend the vast majority of my free time with my husband. He’s my favorite movie buddy, adventure partner, and board game teammate. The fact that we loved spending so much time together is how we were confident in the choice to spend our life together.

But never would I want to be his everything. That’s a ton of pressure that our relationship cannot stand. For one, I’m not meant to be his Savior. That’s Jesus’ job. But aside from that obvious statement, I’m also not intended to his best guy-pal, his parent, or his child. These are relationships for other people to fill and complete our circles.

Photo courtesy: ©Thinkstock/GeorgeRudy

7. Happy wife, happy life/Never tell your husband "no."

Yes, in general, when your spouse is happy, you’ll have a more comfortable home. But to be honest, it isn’t my husband’s job to continually be making me happy. I’m one of the most indecisive, highly emotional and type-A people I know. No one should be responsible for keeping that all in check when I’m not even responsible enough to keep it all in check. But, my husband does love me well and patiently walks me through my roller coaster of emotions.

On the flip-side, a lot of women will hear that now that they’re married, it’s their responsibility to fulfill their husband’s every sexual desire, no matter the place or time. And while women should never withhold sex to manipulate their husband, it's okay to say “no.” There will be times when she’s tired, not in the mood, or sick.

Aim to make your partner’s happiness a priority in your marriage, but remember that you aren’t responsible for all their emotions.

Photo courtesy: Unsplash.com

8. The first year is the worst year.

Hey—you know what’s not encouraging at all? Telling me on the day of my wedding that the first year of marriage is by far the worst. Like, what are you trying to do? Create a runaway bride situation?

I get it—the adjustment of married life is tough. It’s way different than living with just any old roommate, and there’s a lot to learn. But what I need are people in my life to be marriage cheerleaders. People to come alongside my husband and I and give us love and encouragement.

Plus, from what I’ve heard from my friends married for decades, the first year is fun. Yes, those challenges are hard, but you get to spend a year profoundly knowing someone you love.

9. If you're losing an argument, cry. You'll get your way.

Oh, honey—I don’t need any help crying. I cry when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m overwhelmed, when I’m angry, or when I laugh too hard. I cry when someone says something mean to me or when someone says something kind to me. I cry a lot.

And while I do end up crying during most of our disagreements, I will not shed tears to manipulate my husband into conceding. That’s an unfair way to work out our problems. If I shut down my husband by getting tears in my eyes, I’m just throwing a temper tantrum to get my way. The worst part is that we’ll most likely end up having the same fight over and over again because we’re never reaching a solution.

10. A divorce is always an option.

So technically, this advice is accurate. A divorce is always a legal option. But you shouldn’t be going into a marriage thinking, “If worse comes to worse, I’ll just hit the road.” If this is a thought you that you are seriously having, I beg you to please reconsider your relationship before you actually get married.

You should be viewing marriage as a lifelong commitment to your spouse. When life gets tough—and trust me, it will—you need to fight for your spouse and choose to love them, even when it’s not the natural choice. Pray with and for each other, seek out counseling, and make time to go on dates. When all else fails, cling to the verse, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." (Mark 10:9)

Lindsey Brady is a new wife and stepmother who loves to spend time in nature or going for long runs. When she's feeling a bit more sedentary, she'll watch an entire season of any Food Network show in a single sitting. You can follow her on Instagram at real.slim.brady.