As I have entered further into adulthood, I am noticing in the lives of my friends the devastating loss of miscarriages. This is a word that many people have not brought up publicly because of the shame and pain associated with it. However, I am starting to notice how more and more women are becoming brave and sharing their stories of loss and using it as an encouragement for others.
As a friend on the outside, it can be challenging knowing how to love those going through this hardship. Today I want to share how to support those who have miscarried.
1. Listen to Them
Providing a safe place to give them a voice in their pain is a huge blessing. I am a fixer and I want to provide solutions, but in this kind of loss, there is not a “band-aid answer.” The best thing to do for a friend in this situation is to give her a place to share her heart and process her emotions.
Listening is an art that we can all grown in. When we hear her words, we can better understand her needs, how to pray for her, and how to encourage her personally. No two miscarriages are the same. They are all difficult, but there is not a one size fits all solution to those who experience this. We need to be sensitive to listen and provide a security to our friend or family member who is suffering.
2. Acknowledge the Loss with Them
There is nothing more hurtful to a woman who has lost a baby than to try to “soften the loss” by saying the baby wasn’t fully formed, the baby was not born yet, or anything that lessens the reality of the loss of life.
As Christians, the Bible tells us that life begins at the moment of conception. Psalm 139:16 says, “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your books were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” It is vital that we mourn with those who mourn and sit in the reality with them that they have lost a loved one.
3. Pray for Them and With Them
The sweetest gift to give someone who is grieving is the gift of prayer. Whether you are praying on your own or with them, crying out on her behalf to the Lord is a special honor. Prayer matters. Prayers make a difference. Continue to pray on your friend’s behalf, even weeks and months after the miscarriage. She still needs prayers.
Use Scripture to pray over her, pray for her heart to heal and her life to be filled with joy in the difficulty. Pray that she not despair or lose hope. Pray that she would be open to however the Lord wants to build their family, even if it is not through childbirth, but adoption.
4. Encourage Their Marriage
A miscarriage can cause strain on a marriage. Pray for your friend’s unity with her husband. Encourage her to be open and honest with him about what she is going through if she is not. Motivate her to spend intentional time with him and to still keep her husband as the 2nd priority in her life next to Jesus.
When our focus becomes so much on our loss, the enemy can use that sadness to do damage on a marriage relationship. Encourage them to pray together, date each other, be intimate, and if needed seek Christian counseling to walk through this loss together.
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5. Remember Her Due Date
Be aware of what the due date was supposed to be for the baby. I know my friends have dreaded the due dates when they were going to meet their babies. Think of ways in which you can especially love on her that day.
Send her a care package. Call her and talk with her. If you live in the same city, spend time together or do something special. The due date is a hard day for a mom and for a dad. It is a day that marks a lost dream. Think of how you can uniquely bless your friend on a very difficult day.
6. Be Sensitive on Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day rolls around every year. It can be such a joyful day or a reminder of the loss of life. Your friend is still a mother by God’s definition. Think of how you can encourage her that day. Bless her with a card, gift her with a paid massage, get her flowers, or go shopping. Try to be aware that this is an annual day that can be a struggle and hurt to her.
7. Know When to Point Her to Professional Help
It is wonderful to be a listener and friend through as hard time. However, if your friend is not getting professional Christian counseling and you see signs of depression or anxiety in her that you are not equipped to help with, please send her towards a professional. Encourage her that this is not a shameful decision, but a brave choice to get stronger and process this horrible loss in her life.
We can love and encourage, but we can only give someone what we have been equipped to provide. I have seen how counseling has really benefitted my friends who have gone through these kinds of losses and helped them move forward.
I am so proud of the women who are sharing their stories of miscarriages and making it known how common and heartbreaking it can be. We can stand beside our sisters in these challenges and help them to feel valued and loved in their losses. We can listen, mourn with them, pray for them, encourage their marriages, remember their due dates and Mother’s Day, and know when to guide them to higher equipped individuals.
It is our calling as believers to mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Help your friends not to grieve in silence, but to know that you are there for them and walking with them through this loss.
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Emma Danzey’s mission in life stems from Ephesians 3:20-21, to embrace the extraordinary. One of her greatest joys is to journey with the Lord in His Scriptures. She is wife to Drew and mom to Graham. Emma serves alongside her husband in ministry, she focuses most of her time in the home, but loves to provide articles on the Bible, life questions, and Christian lifestyle. Her article on Interracial Marriage was the number 1 on Crosswalk in 2021. Most recently, Emma released Treasures for Tots, (Scripture memory songs) and multiple books and devotionals for young children. During her ministry career, Emma has released Wildflower: Blooming Through Singleness, two worship EP albums, founded and led Polished Conference Ministries, and ran the Refined Magazine. You can view her articles on her blog at emmadanzey.wordpress.com