Our family only has one rule. Ok, it's really not a rule. It's more of a saying: "When you lie, you break trust, and when you break trust, you break the relationship."
Our six-year-old knows it, our 11 year old knows it, we as the parents know it. Heck, if we could teach it to the dogs so they would fess up and tell us which one of them threw up on the rug, we would. Honesty is that important to us. And my guess is, it's really important to you too. And if you're a parent, it's even more so because you have more than yourself, your spouse, and your God, to be honest too — you have your kids!
So to help you along, here are five reasons honesty, especially in your parenting, is the foundation for a healthy family.
1. You can't parent without honesty.
This is probably the most basic assertion, but it's foundational to parenting for a reason. For us to raise our kids to adulthood and honor God along the way, we have to be trustworthy, honest parents. Trust is broken if we're not honest with them, and the relationship quickly erodes.
And if we have a bad, or worse, no relationship, there is no parenting. At that point, it's just the caretaking of two smaller humans who get snacks, water, and a place to sleep from us. Parenting is quite a bit more than that - it's nurturing, guiding, teaching, loving, being present, modeling, and raising. We wouldn't allow an untrustworthy person to do any of these for us as an adult, and we certainly wouldn't trust our kids to someone who wasn't honest — so why should we be anything but honest parents?
2. Honesty limits confusion.
I asked my six-year-old daughter (who's sitting right next to me) why honesty is important, and she gave this excellent answer. She said that honesty from parents makes it so she doesn't get confused as easily. This makes total sense!
When our kids are growing up, everything is taken in as new, important information. They're mental and experiential sponges, which is why being honest is so important to them. When we accurately and honestly tell them how something works, answer their (many!) questions, or take the time to explain something that seems basic to us, they gain the knowledge, insight, and information to make better decisions and to develop a better worldview.
My daughter can't function in our home, at her school, and especially not out in the world if she doesn't have honest conversations with her parents. When we say things like "I'll tell you when you're older" or leave out major pieces of the truth and think we're protecting them, what we're really doing is leaving a blank space for someone else to fill — someone else who may not have their best intentions or can love them as only their parents can. When it's age-appropriate, and without causing unnecessary harm, we should fill in that blank with honesty so they can trust and rely on us.
3. Honesty helps us practice tough conversations.
The world is a tough place, no shocker there. But how are we preparing them to live in a world that is against Christ and those who follow Him? If you're a Christian, and you're raising your kids to be as well, they will have confrontation just about everywhere they go. People will be opposed to their morals, language, habits, theology, treatment of others, viewpoint on sin, and abstinence from harmful lifestyle choices. They're going to have some tough conversations. And the reason is simple enough: when you look like the world, the world accepts you more readily; but when attempting to look like Christ, you are regularly rejected and questioned. Jesus warned us — at any age — of this phenomenon. He said to His disciples, and I think as an extension to any who would follow Him:
John 15:18-19 If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.
Jesus surely wasn't afraid of conflict, telling the truth in love, or confronting people about their sin with grace. He loved them enough to have a challenging conversation. And He knew He'd get pushback, rebellion, rejection, and even hatred for it, but He did it anyway. He loved people too much not to give them the truth in what little time He was around them.
In turn, we should love our kids enough to have hard conversations about their habits, friends, room (always a mess!), identity, who or what is influencing them, or whatever else might help. We have precious little time with them before they're off trying to be adults, stumbling through life like we did at some point. It's true how quickly time flies by, so let's make the most of the opportunities we have with them and have genuine, great, Godly, tough conversations with them as they arrive.
4. Being honest with our kids teaches them the importance of truth.
Honesty helps our kids understand the importance of telling and receiving the truth. Honesty is a two-way street: You can tell the truth, and you can receive the truth.
It is vitally important to tell our kids the truth, even if it may hurt their feelings, cause them to disagree, or even make them mad. We should tell them with grace, but we should, above all else, actually tell them the truth. People often say that "the truth hurts," which is true if it's not spoken very often. But Jesus said something far more important - "the truth will set you free."
Think about it this way, by telling our kids the truth in love regularly, we are freeing them from a worldview that does not value objective truth as a form of love. When you love someone, you tell them the truth because you love them. You love them enough not to allow them to believe, live, or buy into a lie. Lies divide, give a false sense of security or value, and destroy love because they are not done out of love for one another but out of love of oneself. The Truth is for the benefit of others; lies are for the benefit of ourselves.
1 John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
5. Honesty helps you raise adults, not kids.
Adults and kids shouldn't think or behave the same way. This may seem obvious, but there is something tragic and even appalling when we see or know someone who hasn't grown up. As adults, we adore and value children because of their youth, potential, innocence, and curiosity about the world. But in adults, we value maturity, ability, contribution, followthrough, wisdom, and their understanding of the world. Even in our faith, we should recognize that there is a time to be child-like and to grow up in maturity. Regarding evil, we should be child-like and innocent (1 Corinthians 14:20), but should also seek to be mature in our faith (Ephesians 4:13-15).
What this means for us as parents is we should seek to raise adults, not children. They're already children. We probably need to give them the truth, have tough conversations, or even be honest when we think we should protect them — before we think they're ready. As parents, they'll always be our kids, even when they're adults, but we can't treat them like kids when they're grown up, and part of us should always seek to lead them into adulthood, even from a young age. After all, we're raising adults, not kids.
You can probably think of many reasons not to be honest or at least completely honest with your kids. Do you tell them why you and your spouse had a fight? What do you say when they ask what sex is (you tell them to ask the other parent!)? At what age do you talk about whether Santa Clause is real or not? My kids once asked me why a family member and I don't speak anymore.
There are challenging responses to all of these, and there should be levels of information given depending on your kid's maturity and age — but what I will say is that kids are far more resilient, patient, understanding, and helpful than we give them credit for. They can handle far more honesty than even adults are comfortable with — so when in doubt, lean in and be honest.
Kile Baker is a former Atheist who didn’t plan on becoming a Christian, let alone a Pastor, who now writes to try and make Christianity simple. Kile recently wrote a study guide to help people “look forward to and long for Heaven.” You can get one on Amazon here. He also writes at www.paperbacktheologian.com. Kile is the grateful husband to the incredibly talented Rachel, Dad to the energetic London and feisty Emma and Co-Lead Pastor at LifePoint Church in Northern Nevada. He single handedly keeps local coffee shops in business.