Picture these two scenarios. You spot an elderly couple strolling in the woods. Their hands are clasped tightly, with the man occasionally planting a peck on his wife's cheek. How would the sight of them make you feel? We are willing to bet that it would light a fire in your heart and elicit a smile. Onto the next scenario. You are having your evening run when you barge into a young couple making out. They are so absorbed in their moment that they don't even notice you hurtling past them. What's that expression on your face? A sneer? We thought so.
Let's face it; love is a powerful, mind-boggling feeling. It comes with an overarching urge to snuggle up to your special someone, whether in public or private. Which begs the question, how much PDA (public display of affection) is too much PDA? It's important to toe the line because you don't want to be getting cozy with your spouse in public only to have onlookers scoffing at you in disgust. You need to consider the feelings of others while seeking to enthuse your partner. Here are five questions you need to ask yourself where PDA is concerned.
1. Are We Causing Others to Stumble?
"It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak." (Romans 14:23).
In the above Scripture, Paul urged the Roman church to ensure that everything they did was motivated by love for their neighbor. If eating certain foods would cause fellow believers to stumble, then Paul urged them to desist from such foods. He encouraged them to pursue things that brought peace and edification (Romans 14:19). Jesus warned that anyone who would cause the little ones to sin would be better off with a millstone round his neck and drowned into the sea (Mathew 18:6). As believers, we cannot do whatever we deem fit despite others' thoughts or feelings. We have first to seek to establish whether our actions are offensive to them or not.
While splurging PDA on your significant other, you need to consider how it will affect the onlookers. Some affectionate gestures are generally accepted across different cultures. Such gestures include holding hands, hugging, quick kisses, putting an arm over another, and blowing a kiss. These are subtle enough not to disgust the public. Anything beyond that tends to raise eyebrows and ruffle feathers. It's best to avoid it.
2. Are We Inspiring Others?
My pastor doesn't need to go on a lengthy discourse to convince us (the congregation) that he cherishes his wife. The way he smiles at her when she is standing beside him on the pulpit says it all. He always has his arm strapped around her shoulders during our couple's meetings. This serves to inspire other couples to cherish each other more. Appropriate PDA should inspire others to yearn for godly love-filled marriages/relationships. Watching a couple walking together, appearing aloof and disconnected, is disheartening. "Don't they love each other anymore?" "Can't they even hold hands?" You may wonder. But spotting a jolly couple holding hands while exchanging smiles is heartwarming. It inspires hope in those not yet married. Besides, modeling beautiful, godly marriages is part of our mandate as believers.
"The older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things. That they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children." (Titus 2:3-4).
3. Are We Being Considerate of Others?
"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself." (Philippians 2:3)
Imagine you and your spouse hanging out with one of your single friends. It would be extremely inconsiderate for you to take that opportunity to revel in PDA. It would be torturous for them if they had to watch you kiss or touch each other. But the rules change if you are attending a marriage get-away retreat alongside other couples in your church. Seeing that everyone in the group would be accompanied by their spouse, it wouldn't be inappropriate if you reveled in PDA.
The environment you find yourself in is another guide in gauging how much PDA is too much PDA. Remember to put the interest of others above your own. In seeking to express love to your partner, remember the qualities of love as described in the Bible.
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthian 13: 4-7).
Seeing that love does not parade itself nor seek its own good, couples should learn to exercise restraint for the good of others.
4. Is it Helping Us Nurture Our Marriage/Relationship?
PDA has its place in a love relationship. Lots of women have a deep-seated need for affection. Receiving affection from their lovers makes them feel valued and cared for. They also feel secure and protected in the relationship. Without affection, many women feel dejected and resentful towards their partners. They, in turn, struggle to meet the varying needs of their partners. So, in general, most women cannot do without affection. They need it like fish need water. The Bible also admonishes husbands to be affectionate towards their wives.
"So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." (Ephesians 5:28-29).
"Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered." (1 Peter 3:7)
"Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." (Colossians 3:19).
Husbands are admonished to show gentle care and love to their wives. This care that women yearn for should not be entirely snuffed out in public. You can still meet your wife's emotional needs while in public by choosing acceptable affectionate gestures. For example, speaking loving words to her, hugging her, offering a short kiss, holding her hand, and opening doors for her will keep her enthused. That way, you will still nurture your marriage even while you are outdoors without offending anyone.
5. Are We Exercising Self-Control?
"Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control." (Proverbs 25:28)
It goes without saying that some affectionate gestures like deep kissing and caressing should be explored in private. For instance, if a married couple lacks self-control, they may throw caution to the wind and get extra cozy with each other in front of their kids. Yet all they needed was to wait till they tucked the kids in bed. In trying to identify how much PDA is too much PDA, couples should seek to exercise self-control.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/dusanpetkovic
Keren Kanyago is a freelance writer and blogger at Parenting Spring. As a wife and mom, she uses her blog to weigh in on pertinent issues around parenting, marriage, and the Christian Faith. She holds a degree in mass communication with a specialty in print media. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram and/or shoot her an email at kerenkanyago@gmail.com.