Here we go again, thought Stan as he rolled away from yet another cold shoulder from his wife, Debbie.
After almost two weeks of not being intimate with his wife, Stan had been dropping not-so-subtle hints throughout the evening. How could Debbie not have picked up on his desire for her? Feeling rejected and alone, Stan closed his eyes but struggled to fall asleep. Stan remembered how as newlyweds, they had playfully experienced an amazing sex life. Even after they had children, the couple was determined to make time to enjoy one another in their marriage bed. Sometimes their lovemaking was less than passionate, but other times, it was incredible.
However, over the past few years, Debbie had changed. Their passions had wained. Stan felt like Debbie viewed their lovemaking as a necessary duty more than something to look forward to or enjoy. Stan pondered; what had become of their passion? Why didn't Debbie desire him? And most importantly, what could he do about it?
Does Stan and Debbie's story sound familiar? Maybe you identify with Debbie's lack of desire. Or possibly you're the one who longs for sex when your spouse is disinterested––or at the very least offering obligatory sex.
You're not alone in your plight. Countless married couples go through dry spells in their marriage bed. For some, the dry season passes, and they are able to reconnect through intimacy. But for others, the longer the couple goes without sex, the less engaged they become in the marriage bed - and the intimacy in their relationship often suffers.*
So, how can you become the couple you long to be? What leads to this lack? And is there anything a couple can do to rekindle the romance in their marriage? Are sex and intimacy the same thing? And if not, what's the difference? Let's unpack these questions, shall we?
What Leads to Lack of Intimacy?
First, let's ponder what builds intimacy. When I looked up synonyms for the word intimacy, it said, "close warm friendship." Isn't that interesting? So, it's important to consider what builds a close, warm friendship with your spouse. Think back to when you were dating your spouse. Did you go miniature golfing? Hiking? Sailing? You played together, right?
For most men, playing with their wives was a part of courtship that built a friendship. And playing together was likely something they imagined would continue into marriage. However, after a time, many couples forget to make time to play. Each gets weighed down with responsibilities. Husbands look to their buddies to enjoy hobbies. And wives engage with their girlfriends more than their spouses. Not that there's anything wrong with having other friendships, but forsaking playtime together as a couple can hinder intimacy in marriage.
Not having sex with your spouse can also contribute to a lack of intimacy in marriage. It is important to note how differently a husband and wife view intimacy. One biblical counselor observed: In my experience, men whose wives pursue them sexually are deeply in love with their wives. Notice he said when a wife pursues him sexually. This means more than just saying, "Hey baby, it's Tuesday, so how about we do that thing we do?"
Instead, when a wife flirtatiously pursues her husband, she builds intimacy with her man. She is the one person who can bolster his courage and make him feel loved for who he is - sex is a big part of that. One husband said: When my wife takes me to bed, it makes me feel loved for who I am. It really does make a difference in my overall satisfaction with life.
Most women do not realize the God-given need husbands have to connect with their wives physically. While it is easy for a wife to think of her husband's need for sex as some primal urge to be satisfied, you would be wise to realize that God has ordained that your husband connects with you in the marriage bed in order to knit your hearts and bodies together in intimate unity. Intercourse is a reminder of your marriage covenant. And somehow, the very act knits your hearts and bodies together in intimate oneness. The Bible says that through this covenant, husband and wife become one soul (see Malachi 2:15). I can't explain this mystery, but it is a truly wonderful, supernaturally unifying experience.
How Can You Rekindle Romance?
Rekindling romance is not about having more sexual encounters. Here's the thing, men, while your intimacy tank might be filled up by a wife who pursues you sexually, sex for her does not necessarily satisfy her need for intimacy. No matter how great it is, for most women, building intimacy in the marriage relationship occurs outside the bedroom before sex––and in gentle caresses and romantic words in the afterglow of sex.
A husband might think buying his wife flowers will rekindle their romance. And while flowers are a wonderful gesture, it's not the end-all answer to rekindling romance. Here's an example:
Imagine John coming home from work with a bouquet of Gerber daisies for his wife, Jan. All the way home, John has imagined how happy Jan will be when he gives her the bundle of her favorite flowers. John is convinced that the daisies will kindle Jan's romantic vibes, and they will most certainly enjoy a glorious evening.
However, when John arrives home, Jan is in the kitchen cooking dinner. She's also helping their son with math homework and feeding the baby while stirring the soup on the stove. Imagine John waltzing into the kitchen, handing Jan the flowers as he gives her a peck on the cheek and a flirtatious wink. John then leaves the room, thinking the best way he can help Jan is to get out of her way and let her finish making dinner. After dinner, Jan bathes the children and gets them into bed while John watches the game on television. When she finally falls into her chair for a few moments of much-needed rest, John begins to drop hints about wanting sex.
Instead of Jan feeling romanced, she grows irritated and even cold. John also becomes irritated. Feeling unappreciated and rejected, he blurts, "What about the flowers?" At this point, Jan fantasizes about whopping John upside the head with his Gerber daisies!
So, what happened? Where did their evening go off the rails? Men, I'll let you in on a little secret. Wives feel romanced when they are seen, heard, and understood by their husbands. When she feels understood, she safely feels her husband's approval which fosters feelings of intimacy, friendship, and trust.
For Jan, an over-worked mother of littles, John would have better-built intimacy with his wife by coming in and rescuing her from the chaos of her evening routine. Giving her flowers while acknowledging how hard she works would have been a great place to start. Even better, if he would have ushered her out of the kitchen to take over her tasks while whispering in her ear to go enjoy some much-needed alone time.
I know this may not seem romantic but becoming your wife's knight in shining armor is a great place to build intimacy with her.
Are Sex and Intimacy the Same Thing?
Sex is an important part of building intimacy in marriage. It is God's way of knitting two lives together as one flesh. A marriage relationship without sex will lack intimacy and likely result in growing apart. But couples who have also learned how to build intimacy outside of their marriage bed usually enjoy a much deeper connection in bed. (Wives can learn more about enjoying sex with their husbands from my short ebook: A Christian Woman's Guide to Great Sex in Marriage**)
Trust is the crucial soil in which intimacy grows in a marriage. It's difficult to make yourself vulnerable to someone who has not made you feel accepted and loved. For most men, intimacy increases when they trust that their wife believes the best about them and desires them. For women, intimacy in their relationship grows when they trust that their husbands love them for who they are, understand them, and find them attractive. For both husbands and wives, affirming words build trust and intimacy.
Growing intimacy in your relationship is the best investment you can make in your marriage. The insights in this article are a good place to start. Have conversations with your spouse about ways to grow closeness in your relationship. Choose to play together and enjoy one another's company. Make every effort to increase your spouse's trust in you with uplifting words and romantic gestures. And make time to make love; schedule it on your calendar if you need to. Regularly come together in your marriage bed because this is God's plan to intimately knit together your very souls.
Obviously, this article is in no way a comprehensive resource on sex and intimacy in marriage. I am not an expert. Instead, I am simply a Marriage Mentor who has learned a few things along the way. I teach in obedience to the Bible's call for the older women to teach the younger (Titus 2). But, I've barely touched the surface on this topic. For professional help, please reach out here.
*Note: Couples who cannot have sex due to physical complications of a spouse can learn to be intimate in other ways. Here’s help: Mismatched Libidos.
**Sign up for Rhonda’s monthly newsletter to get the free audiobook: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Great Sex in Marriage.
Rhonda Stoppe is a best-selling Christian author of seven books. With 40 years of experience in helping women build no regrets lives, Rhonda has become a highly sought after voice in the Christian living community. She has written hundreds of articles for Crosswalk.com and other popular magazines. Rhonda has appeared on The 700 Club, 100 Huntley Street, Family Life Today, Dobson’s Family Talk, and her interviews at Focus on the Family have been named in their Best Of Episodes 2021 & 2023. “I could have listened to Rhonda talk all night,” is what listeners say. Her speaking platform includes: Homeschool conferences, (MOPs) MomCo, MomCon, Legacy Grandparenting Summit and more. She is the host of the award-winning podcast, Old Ladies Know Stuff. Rhonda has over 40 years experience as a pastor’s wife, speaker, mom coach, marriage mentor, mother of four–and did we mention she’s a grandmother of 15! Find out more about Rhonda at NoRegretsWoman.com.