Conflict, though inevitable, is rarely easy and is never something we desire to engage in, but it is sometimes necessary. What is key is how we approach handling conflict of any kind, especially when it comes to friends. The sincere desire is to handle it with respect, truth, and value for the relationship and all involved.
Godly Order of Approach
The Bible shares how to handle conflict with a brother and fellow believer by order of events. Matthew 18:15-17 states, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." The key here is following the process with the correct attitude and handling of the issue. Keeping the initial issue between you and the other person helps to protect the relationship and avoid more people than necessary being involved. The idea of fewer cooks in the kitchen is correct; if there is an issue, it ought to be handled discreetly and without more stirring than needed. Yet if it cannot be settled between the two of you, then taking other believers as witnesses and third parties is the next step. It is imperative to choose brethren that are rooted in truth, firm in their faith, and who will not play favorites but instead value each party equally to be fair. The last step allows for the person to be let go, and it makes it clear when to do so in order of events. It can be hard on our hearts when things escalate to this level, but it is good to know that you have done all you could and can move forward with that peace. Keep this Scripture close to your heart during conflict and invite the Lord to intercede and help you navigate towards a result.
Invite the Lord to Guide You
We have a great and holy gift through God in the Holy Spirit to guide us as counselor. John 14:26 shares, "But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you." Especially when handling conflict with friends, it is imperative to invite the Holy Spirit to guide us with our words, approach, actions, and timing. Several months ago, I was significantly involved in a wedding for my friend. Through the course of events planning the wedding, she became incredibly frustrated with things out of her control, and she funneled that frustration in unhealthy ways. One of the ways was becoming angered at me when I gave her an answer I received through prayer that she did not like or desire. In the end, she wasn't against me; she was upset things were not going as she had planned in her own head.
We made plans to sit and discuss the matter and her outburst at me, but the Lord greatly convicted me that I needed to invite Him into the conversation about how I was to handle myself. It was completely counter to that which I had been taught by earthly parents in handling conflict, but the Lord led me in how He wished for this issue to be resolved. She let out her anger, upset, and frustrations, and instead of firing back as my flesh desired, I remained silent to listen and only spoke when necessary. After she got out all she wanted to say, the Lord led me to speak in encouraging but firm truth. The conflict was resolved without me ever saying a coarse word. The Lord explained to me later in prayer that what was needed more than anything during that moment was an ear to listen, not to condemn. He also reminded me that I should bring my own frustrations and hurts to Him first and then to the other person if He deems necessary. This proved a worthwhile and helpful event, though, at first glance, it appeared overwhelming.
Stand Firm in Truth with Words Dipped in Honey
The experience with my friend also taught me that when I do speak, it should not be with words rooted in my own flesh. More often than not, those words will be jumbled and smothered in fiery hurt, anger, and confusion. Instead, taking a breath and staying closely aligned with the Lord's Spirit will help me express what I am feeling within. The words God guides me in will be firm and steadfast in the truth, but more often than not, they will also be dipped in honey. Proverbs 16:24 shares, "Kind words are like honey - sweet to the soul and healthy for the body." That feels counter in times of conflict, the idea of speaking sweetly and with kindness, but we must remember that the dispute is not against the other person; it is you and the other person against an issue at hand. The other person is your friend, not an enemy, and speaking with kindness rooted in truth will not only bring room where true feelings can be securely and safely spoken, but respect will also be of the utmost.
Respect the Other Person
Respecting and treating the other person in love is the most important part of handling conflict properly. The person you are speaking to is someone you have in your life for a reason. You love and want to honor them to their core, and you know the difference between their actions being done in malice or misunderstanding. Continue to invite the Lord into handling the conflict properly, whether it is reaching a resolution or departing from the person or situation; in all scenarios, handle it in such a way that you respect the other person. This may mean holding back the sharp-tongued things you wish to say or letting things go, but you will never regret treating another person as you would wish to be treated. In doing so, you also keep intact your own character, integrity, and reputation to avoid tarnishing it with words or actions you could regret one day.
Many of us wish conflict could be avoided in this life, but often times it is inevitable. What the hope is ultimately is that you have control and the power to choose how you handle yourself. As tempting as it is to let your flesh take over, take a moment to cool your head and hurt, and ask God what the best way to act could be. God cares about you and your friend, and in following His path, you can know you did everything you could to bring about peace, love, and harmony.
Cally Logan is an author and US History teacher from Richmond, Virginia. Her works have been featured on "The 700 Club Interactive," “Jesus Calling Blog,” and “Coffee and Bible Time,” among several notable outlets. She served as a mentor for young women for several years and enjoys challenging women to develop deeper relationships with God and to live fearlessly and authentically. She received her B.A. Degree from Regent University. In her spare time, she enjoys spending time in nature, having genuine chats over coffee, and woodworking. Her new book, The Wallflower That Bloomed, is available everywhere now. Connect with Cally: @CallyLogan Instagram CallyLogan.com