William let out a heavy sigh as he parked his car after a hectic day at work. He then reclined his seat and lay on his back with his hands on his head. He lingered there for a while, reminiscing on the "good old days" when his wife would joyously meet him at the door with a cheerful smile and warm hug. Unbeknownst to him, Lucy, his wife, was nursing the same thoughts as she put away the laundry. She longed for the days she and William would cozy up on the couch, watching a movie or merely chatting. Sadly, both William and Lucy had stopped pursuing each other, and their marriage had started losing its luster.
God designed marriage as an example of the relationship between Jesus and the church. He commands wives to be subject to their husbands in everything, just as the church is subject to Christ. He also commands husbands to love their wives sacrificially, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her (Ephesians 5: 22-26). Truthfully speaking, this is a great assignment that calls for spouses to be very intentional and to assess their habits constantly. This article will explore four reasons why you should never stop pursuing your spouse.
1. Losing Our First Love Displeases God
"Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place—unless you repent." (Revelation 2:4)
God's kingdom is centered around increase and growth. God frowns upon unfruitfulness and lack of progress. When God initiates something, he expects it to bear fruit over time. We see Jesus cursing the fig tree when He found no fruit on it. He also gave a parable of a barren fig tree whose owner was exasperated after finding no fruit on it for three years. The vineyard keeper, however, prevailed upon him not to have it cut, asking for time to dig around it and fertilize it. If it still didn't bear fruit after the intervention, it would have to go (Luke 13:6-9). God is the author of marriages, and He expects to see growth and improvement over time. A mundane marriage grieves His heart because it does not mirror Christ's sacrificial love for His bride, the church.
The chief reason why marriages lose their sizzle is that spouses stop pursuing each other. Many people get hitched and immediately rest on their laurels. They assume that the marriage will "somehow" work itself out. The love they share should be enough to bolster their marriage for a lifetime. They stop pursuing each other, setting the marriage up for trouble.
Just like the Ephesus church described in the scripture above, they stop doing the "first works," and the marriage inadvertently slips into a lukewarm state. The enemy creeps in, and plants tares among the wheat as they sleep (Mathew 13:25). Don't allow your first love to wane. Keep pursuing your spouse and meeting their needs.
2. Pride Is Costly in Marriage
"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself." (Philippians 2:3)
Let's be honest; pride keeps us from pursuing our spouses. Perhaps you are well aware that all is not well in your marriage, but you would rather sit with the discontentment, waiting for your spouse to be the first to lift a finger. In the end, the marriage continues to fester, sometimes beyond repair. God would have us esteem our spouses above ourselves. In doing so, we will be willing to take the trouble to reach out to them, prioritize them and meet their needs. When we embrace humility, we can shift the focus from ourselves to them.
Jesus set the perfect example of how we should esteem others above ourselves. Though He was God, He humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death. He did not consider equality with God as something to be grasped (Philippians 2:5-8). Evaluate your life with a fine tooth comb and identify what keeps you from pursuing your spouse. Is it pride, resentment, ego, or warped attitudes? Unclench your tight fist and let all those things go. Ask God to help you don humility so that you esteem your spouse above yourself.
3. You Will Reap What You Sow
"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap." (Galatians 6:7)
"But this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully." (2 Corinthians 9:6).
Reaping and sowing is a deeply etched principle in the kingdom of God. No amount of prayer and fasting will enable you to harvest wheat if you have planted corn. This concept also holds true in marriage. What you shove into your marriage is what you can expect to take out. If you are kind, empathetic, quick to forgive, and eager to meet your spouse's needs, you bet your spouse will be stirred to do the same.
But if you are lousy in communication, disrespectful, disinterested, and too busy for them, you bet they will have a lot of trouble trying to show up for you. Additionally, if you sprinkle good actions into your marriage sparingly, occasionally being kind and affectionate, remembering their birthday twice in a decade, you may not reap a bountiful harvest from your spouse, maybe a mere trickle. So which shall you choose? Sowing sparingly or bountifully? Remember that God is able to make His grace abound to you so that you may have an abundance for every good work (2 Corinthians 9:8). Furthermore, as you sow good deeds into your marriage, any walls and barriers your spouse may have been built will inadvertently come tumbling down.
4. You Are Modeling Marriage to Your Kids
"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)
Sadly, kids are among the biggest losers of a marriage falling apart. Children are sensitive and pick up both verbal and non-verbal cues of unity (or lack thereof) between their parents. Studies show that kids who grow up sensing love and unity between their parents are happier and exude a strong sense of security. On the other hand, kids who witness hostility and, at worst, separation or divorce bear the brunt of the turmoil. They may become irritable, anxious, depressed, and even perform poorly in school.
Besides that, we should never forget that we are modeling marriage to our kids. If we project uninspiring lifeless marriages, our kids will likely replicate the same type of marriages in the future. They may never prioritize pursuing their spouse if they never saw us doing the same. They may never be stirred to go the extra mile for their spouses because they didn't learn that from us.
Given this, we should remember that our kids belong to God. We are merely stewards, and we should seek to be good stewards. Jesus warned against causing the little ones to stumble (Matthew 18:6). We need to ensure we are modeling marriage right to our kids.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/g-stockstudio
Keren Kanyago is a freelance writer and blogger at Parenting Spring. As a wife and mom, she uses her blog to weigh in on pertinent issues around parenting, marriage, and the Christian Faith. She holds a degree in mass communication with a specialty in print media. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram and/or shoot her an email at kerenkanyago@gmail.com.