Does your child feel loved by you? Do you love them in their language? The way God loves us is our model for loving our kids. So let's examine five ways to tell our children we love them. Every child is unique. Every child has a primary language of love, but there are different ways to communicate that love.
1. Communicate your love with your presence.
"I am with you always…." Matthew 28:20
Love that communicates is present. God is always with us. His presence in our daily lives reminds us of his love. The same is true in the lives of our children. Kids spell love T – I – M – E! Time spent with our kids is never wasted. It is invested.
When our son was in high school, he played football. His jersey number was 33. We went to every game early to get a good seat and have more yelling time. I yelled during warm-ups as well as practice drills. My reward? Jered - looking up in the stands to see if we were there – and we always were. Our children are constantly "checking the stands to see if we are there throughout their lives!
The lie: Quality time counts more than the quantity of time.
The truth: Kids need both kinds of time.
The practice: Be present for the vital moments.
It is crucial how our children begin their day. So, I was there every morning when our kids woke up. Since I'm not too fond of mornings, I tried to ease Jered and Danna into the day. Jered was easy. He loved the mornings and got up early for quiet time alone. Danna, on the other hand, was like her mother. So, I had to devise a list of ways to entice her out of bed. That list included quiet music, back rubs, Peanut Butter Captain Crunch - whatever worked.
Heading out the door is the starting line of the day for kids. Once our kids were up and ready to go, I always followed them to the door and asked, "How can I pray for you today?" Whatever event or test they faced that day, I always said, "I'm on it!" It was important to send them off, knowing their mom was praying for them.
Dan and I worked very hard at being home when the kids walked out the door to face their world. We scheduled trips, flight schedules, meetings, etc., around that time. The hours between 6:30 and 8:30, the send-off hours, were sacred. Just as important were the reception hours, the times when our kids got home or were picked up from school. Our presence when they got home sent a message, "I love you. I want to hear about your day."
Our daughter, Danna, always ran in, calling, "Mom!" And then I got the scoop - the good, the bad, the ugly parts of her day. Danna has always filled in the blanks of her day for me. She still does. However, when Jered got home and I asked how his day went, he almost always responded with "fine." It took a few specific questions to obtain any information about his day. If that didn't work, I knew to back off and wait for him to open up. The ending part of the day is crucial because it's a filtering time to sift through the day's experiences. Dan and I took turns putting the kids to bed. Even through high school, we spent time with each child at bedtime. When Jered was a little boy, I was putting him to bed one night. We had been talking about the recent death of his great-grandmother. I was walking out of his room, ready to turn off the light, when his question stopped me in my tracks.
"Do wrinkles make you die, Mom?" I could have easily dismissed that question as childish, but in a rare moment of motherhood wisdom, I asked, "Son, what do you mean?"
Jered said, "Well, grandmother died, and she had a lot of wrinkles. And tonight, you and dad were joking around about who has the most wrinkles. So do wrinkles make you die?"
That question allowed me to have a crucial discussion with our son about death, heaven, and the fact that since we knew Jesus, we would see Grandmother Lois in heaven. Finally satisfied, Jered smiled and went to sleep. So, we must look for the significant points in our children's daily lives.
2. Communicate your love with acceptance.
"Accept one another, just as Christ accepted you." Romans 15:7
The lie: Kids need us to cheer when they succeed.
The truth: Kids need cheerleaders all of the time.
The practice: Know your child's worst moment and plan to love them through it.
Everyone needs a cheerleader. I always swore that I would not be that mom - the lunatic screaming at the top of her lungs for our son, who played football, and our daughter, who was a cheerleader and part of the school choirs. But I was. That came easy to me.
But I had to learn how to love our kids through their worst moments, and it is not a one-size-fits-all kind of plan. The truth is that we all need love the most when we deserve it the least. Parents must identify those "unlovable areas" in their kids. Those areas are our most significant opportunities to prove that we love our kids - no matter what. Kids find out who loves them when there isn't much to love. Kids really find out where they stand when they embarrass their parents or rebel against their beliefs. What they are doing is asking:
Can you love me like this? Can you love me when I am defiant? Can you love me when I'm pregnant? Can you love me when I'm drunk? Can you love me when I have broken your heart?
We can't always love what they have done, but we can always love them.
3. Communicate your love with personalization.
"Your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things." Matthew 6:32
The lie: I can love all my kids the same way.
The truth: Every child needs love with their name on it.
The practice: Find a niche with each kid and join them in it.
Every child needs personalized love. We need to build "just you and me" time every day with every child.
• Run an errand together.
• Tackle a job together.
• Help kids with homework.
• Go out on a date.
These times may seem small and insignificant, but they actually spell love. I was even known to kidnap our kids from school for a "date." Jered and I often went to Home Depot to look at "stuff," ending up at Olive Garden. Danna and I always headed to the mall together to get our nails done and do some shopping. As long as their grades were good, the kidnapping continued.
4. Communicate your love with your choices.
"And we, out of all creation, became His choice possession." James 1:18
The lie: My child understands my demanding schedule.
The truth: My child needs to feel unrivaled in my love.
The practice: Look for times to give up another priority to spend time with your child.
We all need to be chosen. We were created by God – for God. That relationship communicates a great love that says we are important to God. In the same way, our choices communicate what is important to us. For example, every day, every parent chooses how much time and energy they will invest in their children. Those choices are eternal and communicate love.
Twenty years from now, it will not matter what car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, what kind of clothes I wore, or how much money I had, but our children will know how much we loved them by the choices we make today. If someone asked your child, "What's your biggest rival for your parents' attention?" what would the answer be?"
I taught Tuesday morning Bible Study at the church where my husband was the pastor. I loved it. That study is where I learned to teach and speak. But a point came when I had to lay down that priority to spend time with our kids. Teaching that Bible Study was wonderful, but it was not the highest thing for that season of my life. I do believe a woman can have it all - a career, a family, etc. I'm just not sure she can have it all at the same time.
I know this is not a popular point of view, but I have raised our kids, who are grown, married, and given us seven amazing grandchildren. I have traveled and spoken for women's conferences for over 35 years. I could have booked more events than I did, but I carefully limited and planned the events I accepted until our kids were out of college.
I missed one of our son's football games when my flight was delayed because of bad weather. I did not miss one of our daughter's choir concerts or football games, where she was a cheerleader. I would make the same choices today. In fact, I am making those choices in the lives of our grandchildren. We must constantly examine our priorities and arrange our lives around them. Where we spend our time paints a clear picture of what is important to us.
5. Communicate your love with expression.
"For we know how God dearly loves us…." Romans 5:5
The lie: My child already knows how much I love him.
The truth: My child needs to hear "I love you" repeatedly.
The practice: Say "I love you" verbally each day."
I love this story that illustrates the importance of saying, "I love you." Bob and Sally had been married for 20 years. One day Sally complained, "You never tell me you love me." Bob said, "I told you I loved you when we married. If I ever change my mind, I'll let you know." Unfortunately, too many families work this way - based on "I love you until further notice."
We all need to know where we stand daily with the essential people in our lives. For example, our children constantly ask, "Is anybody out there who loves me?"
It is a great goal to find ways to express our love for our children daily. But, when our kids walked out of the door, the last thing they heard from me was, "Love you!"
When they were still at home, I left them notes telling them I loved them. I still do – through cards and texts. Every phone conversation ends with my saying, "I love you!" Those words are emotional deposits into my kids' lives. I don't want them to ever run out of the knowledge that they are loved. Every child is looking for love. The best way to keep them from looking in the wrong places is to make sure they find it in the right place – your home.
Our daughter was bipolar with intermittent rage disorder from the time she was two years old through early adulthood. Her teenage years were hellish, to say the least. I often chose my love for Danna because I certainly didn't feel like loving her. Dan and I persevered, and the point finally came when she was healthy and whole. Someone once asked her what her parents did that made the difference in her life. Danna did not hesitate to say, "They never gave up on me, but they never gave in to me. Their love saved me."
If you are like me, there will be times when you run out of or can't give unconditional love. So, you may want to go to God - whose unconditional love is unlimited.
Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.