A self-sacrificial savior meets a distressed soul. The former helps the latter.
Sounds familiar?
This plot may underlie many Hollywood sagas, but if so, they copied it from the Good Samaritan parable (Luke 10: 25-37).
In this famous story, a Samaritan man played the role of a selfless hero. He saved a Jewish man—a victim of theft and assault—despite the longstanding animosity between their people. Then he draped the man onto his own donkey, dropped him off at an inn, dipped into his wallet to fund the man’s recovery, and declared he’d pay for any extra charges.
Jesus’ point: Love means sacrificing for your neighbor’s sake. Like the Samaritan exemplified.
But are you up for using the parable to consider a chronic issue?
Say you were the star in this narrative. Perhaps the Jewish guy you saved shook your hand with gratitude at the end of the ordeal.
One day you happened to drive through that same stretch again and spot another figure slumped on the side of the road. “Déjàvu,” you might murmur. Your kind heart urged you to stop and check on the guy.
Lo and behold! He’s the same man you’d rescued previously.
Would you repeat your selfless act from the first time it happened and nurse him to health again?
Let’s extend the scenario even further. What if you found the same person needing your help not once or twice but often?
Is there a limit on how many times you’d sacrifice for him?
3 Reasons Behind Enablement
These questions are not frivolous. Some parents feel perpetually responsible to rescue their adult children from life’s ruts because the latter are battling mental illness. Others feel beholden to bail extended family members from their miserable (including self-inflicted) problems, no matter how exhausting it gets year after year.
Still others channel their drive to rescue the downtrodden by pouring donations into charitable organizations.
Helping those who suffer is more than just an admirable prosocial behavior. The Good Samaritan parable makes it clear that Jesus expects us to love our neighbor sacrificially. However, while helping someone in need is godly, hitting the repeat button—to where that person now learns to depend on you—is anything but (Psalm 108:12, Psalm 118:8, Isaiah 2:22).
Yet some of us replay the Good Samaritan role repeatedly.
Below are 3 of the reasons why.
1. Guilt
Maybe you donate regularly to places that serve the disenfranchised because of guilt. How come you’re living in comfort while others need to prioritize fueling their body over their car?
However, if your financial security didn’t come from questionable means, there’s no shame or guilt required to enjoy your life. “A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without Him, who can eat or find enjoyment?” (Ecclesiastes 2: 24-25).
So, let’s give to those in need, especially when they are believers (Romans 12:13, Galatians 6: 10)—but out of love (1 Corinthians 13:3) and as you are led to do so (Romans 8:14). God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7), not a guilt-ridden one.
But perhaps your guilt has nothing to do with financial security. Maybe you sense it in the context of parenting instead. However, guilt-based parenting will backfire.
How do we know? Because if guilt generates gratifying results, God would’ve inserted guilt as one of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:8-9) or to accompany the Big Three of love, faith, and hope (1 Corinthians 13:13).
2. Fear
Parents of troubled children, whether due to mental or physical illness, often fall prey to fear. Their reasoning goes like this: if I don’t give in, my child might die.
The death in question may result from mental illness, like the impulsivity of mania or suicide, or used as a manipulation tactic. One mother of a trans-identified daughter discovered websites that her child had visited. These sites advised teenagers to mention suicide if their parents oppose their decision to pursue a preferred gender identity.
Is the fear these parents face real? Absolutely.
However, as people of faith, we are to walk by faith, not fear (2 Corinthians 5:7). Giving into our children’s demands out of fear never amounts to anything wholesome. Our responsibility to the younger generation includes modeling the importance of speaking and acting out of love (1 Corinthians 13:3), not compulsion (Philemon 1:14).
Which means we ought not to respond due to fear. After all, there is no fear in love (1 John 4:18).
3. Unresolved Trauma
Childhood trauma can condition a young person to resume the role of a perpetual giver. Maybe mom and dad fought like cats and dogs, so as the oldest born, you stepped up to serve as your siblings’ surrogate parent. Maybe you routinely changed your baby brother’s diaper or distracted your sister from your parents’ clamor.
Never mind that doing so meant sacrificing your own childhood.
Your siblings may have all grown up, but anytime they hit a rough patch, here you go again: conceding cash, your couch, hours of consolation (never mind you’ve never taken any counseling course), or anything else they might need.
Never mind that doing so means shelving your needs to prioritize theirs.
If trauma is lurking in your background, please take it from a clinical psychologist: Learning to live differently—including by stopping your self-sacrificial tendencies—won’t happen until after you seek healing for your mental and emotional wounds.
Now What?
Mark Robinson came from an “extremely poor” family, with an abusive and alcoholic man for a father. But thanks to his Christian mother, Mark himself developed a strong faith and went on to become the first African American lieutenant governor in North Carolina.
His achievement illustrates a life lesson: everyone carries the responsibility to better ourselves, regardless of personal factors—such as SES, gender, or trauma history—or global ones, such as racism or discrimination.
When it comes to helping those who need you, therefore, consider adopting this rule of thumb: Match their effort at improving their own lives.
If the recipients show serious attempts at getting a job or maintaining sobriety or getting a handle on their own mental health, wonderful. Your Christlike generosity toward them is justified.
But if the loudest thing they’re communicating is despair, hopelessness, or rage, don’t dismiss this fact as inconsequential. Concentrate your giving in the form of helping them course-correct their attitude. They need to develop a real relationship with the Lord first. Don’t do a disservice by continually providing for them, as though you were their God.
As you turn their attention to God, share your own stories about how God has rescued you. If He—the One who doesn’t play favorites (Romans 2:11)—helped you, He will help them too. Nobody who calls on the Lord shall be ashamed (Psalm 25:3).
One last thought. If this article has resonated, I encourage you to spend time with your Maker. Ask His opinion. Do you need to tweak some of your ways, so that you won’t perpetually and inappropriately play the Good Samaritan role?
God, who fully witnessed your past, can help you craft a more balanced future.
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/kieferpix
Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com