*Editorial Disclaimer: This is a very sensitive topic that some audiences may find hard to read.
Cutting. Burning. Severe scratching. Punching. Hitting.
No, they’re not the latest TikTok trend. (Thank God!) These toxic activities belong to a class of behavior known in the psychological field as non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI). That is, while they inflict physical harm, suicide is not necessarily the end goal. About 17.2% of adolescents, 13.4% of young adults, and 5.5% of adults engage in NSSI.
An article in the Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine reports that men more frequently resort to self-inflicted burning and hitting, whereas women gravitate to cutting and burning themselves.
But let’s nudge this issue closer to home. What happens if you discover your child—or a youngster under your care—has been cutting? Or burning? As you can imagine, panicking won’t achieve much. Here are seven steps to try instead.
1. Love and Listen
If you’re baffled by NSSI—why would anyone injure themselves knowingly?—Ephesians 5:29 hints at the answer: “no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body.”
This verse confirms that everyone cares for their own bodies. Therefore, anyone who self-harms doesn’t do it out of hatred for their body but for reasons that supersede our God-given mechanism to cherish and protect our flesh.
Like what?
One person might self-inflict pain to distract from the raging emotional hurt inside. Another might feel so numb and therefore feel that physical pain would prove that despite the numbness, they are still alive. Another NSSI sufferer might intentionally puncture his skin to calm himself, given that the body automatically releases endorphins when injured.
Here’s the thing. Your particular young person might have been self-harming for reasons that differ from what the experts have discovered. To find out why they have been lured to NSSI, you need to pause all prejudice, including your own strong reactions against this behavior.
It means opening your heart to listen to your child with genuine curiosity and compassion.
2. Don’t Lose It
Depending on your personality type and the amount of pressure you’re under, discovering that your son has been burning himself can come as a shock. However, please don’t react in invalidating ways, like yelling, “how stupid can you be?” or complaining about how you don’t deserve this mess.
Most sufferers tend to keep NSSI under wraps. Now that you’ve uncovered their secret, they have to contend with their own set of emotions. Adding your own emotional outburst to the equation may deter them from trusting you further.
3. Refuse Shame or Guilt
Self-injurious behavior has been linked to childhood abuse, at least among those who sought professional help. If your teenage daughter has been cutting, you may notice a stream of guilty thoughts about the situation. What’s causing my baby girl to be this dysfunctional? Did something horrible happen to her? When? How? Where was I then, and how come I didn’t know?
These questions have the right to occupy your attention. However, there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Once you’ve situated your daughter to receive the care she needs, if you want to, you can soul-search and perhaps consult a therapist to help you grapple with your emotional turmoil.
4. Don’t Overreact
If your son punches himself hard enough, he might sustain serious damage. A deep enough cut can sever an artery—or vein—and cause severe bleeding. But don’t let worst-case scenarios engulf you with fear. If there’s ever a time you need to stay strong, it would be now.
This means catching yourself if you feel tempted to pamper your son to incentivize him to discontinue NSSI. A little bribe here and there, perhaps.
Don’t get me wrong. God calls children His heritage (Psalm 127:3). He expects parents—especially dads—not to provoke their children (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21). However, while it is right to love your children, giving in to their whims to prevent future NSSI episodes is anything but.
Let’s now consider the flip side. Not overreacting to your son’s self-injurious behavior also means not punishing him for the behavior. The fact that he would even tolerate such an unthinkable act against himself must mean he felt pushed to the brink. Consider his NSSI a cry for help, not a shriek of rebellion.
5. The Right Perspective on the Bible
The Bible is, and always will be, the final authority on life. This is why you’ll be better off with the Bible than without it. However, this doesn’t just mean plastering your home with fancy, framed verses. You need to lose yourself in the Bible to internalize God’s wisdom. How else will you gain insight to help your teenager discontinue her self-injurious behavior?
Having said the above, please refrain from preaching the Bible to your kid. Nobody likes to be preached at. (Even preachers must take classes on public speaking and how to best get their points across without sounding high and mighty).
Whenever you share Scripture with others, including and especially your troubled teen, utilize wisdom. That’s why the Word says, “the one who is wise saves lives” (Proverbs 11:30). The best way to share the Word is by letting your godly life serve as a living witness. When you are compelled to share a verse, be prayerful about the when and how.
6. Seek Help
According to Cornell University, self-injurious behavior is linked to substance abuse and a host of mental disorders like anxiety and depression.
Therefore, not seeking professional help for your youngster’s NSSI is not an option.
While this might mean making an appointment with a medical doctor, a better option would be to seek a skilled mental health professional. That’s because MDs receive extensive training to heal the human body, but not necessarily the soul (with the exception of psychiatrists, who also understand psychology).
Self-harming behavior likely stems from the soul.
But don’t be discouraged if your youngster resists your attempt at securing an initial consultation. Take it step-by-step. Start with your own research about how to best help your teenager. Call a helpline.
If the above interventions reduce or eliminate the self-harming behavior, wonderful. But if not, circle back to the idea of hiring a professional therapist.
Please don’t give up if you (or your child) don’t gel with the first therapist you find. This article can’t get into all the vital reasons why it’s crucial to work with the right professional, but keep interviewing therapists until someone suitable shows up.
7. Pray
This last step is a dependable one. Feelings have a way of motivating us to action. When guilt, shame, or worry assail you, marinating in these feelings can lead to actions you may regret later.
What can you pray about?
- Wisdom. Ask God to show you His perspective about the situation—and strategies to navigate the way forward. “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding” (Proverbs 4: 7, NKJV).
- Complete healing. Pray not just for God to heal the root cause of the NSSI but also for peace to attend to your child’s future. Covering the future is a crucial prayer because some sufferers recycle NSSI time and again, like during stressful moments. Pray for NSSI to lose its grip on your child for good.
- The right people to partner with. This list may include a therapist, guidance counselor, youth pastor, church, coach, and even new friends if need be.
After you’re done with all seven steps, go back to the top. There’s a reason the first step we reviewed is number one on the list. As the greatest of all (1 Corinthians 13:13), love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8).
So, love on your youngster until their heart overflows with it. Listen hard to what they have to say. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).
Your love—and God’s love through you—can help even the most devoted follower of NSSI to abandon this behavior once and for all.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/dragana991
Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com