When I Feel Like an Imposter
By Rev. Kyle Norman
“For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain.” - 1 Corinthians 15:9-10)
The only thing I remember from my high school is the marbled texture of the hallway floors. I remember this because I looked at them often; my head was always down. See, in high school, I struggled with crippling self-rejection and low self-esteem. It wasn’t that I was bullied or picked on, I just didn’t feel that I fit in or had anything to offer.
Even though I have worked hard to rid myself of low self-esteem, every once in a while it still rises within me. These feelings often show themselves without warning. Whenever I make a mistake or error, I judge myself as worthless and backward. When I hear about a successful church or ministry, I condemn myself as being not good enough. When it becomes bad, I look at myself in the mirror and notice everything that is wrong about me, or about my life. And in that moment, I feel like an imposter. I judge myself for not being the person that others view me to be.
Does anyone else struggle with Imposter Syndrome? I think we all struggle with this from time to time, particularly in times of struggle or hardship. We even see this in scripture. The Apostle Paul tends to speak harshly about himself. In his first letter to the Corinthians, he refers to himself as the “least of all the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle.” I wonder how many times Paul rehearsed this criticism of himself. Were these names he called himself time and again? Were the labels of “wretched man” or “chief of sinners” ones that he placed upon himself? As Paul lived his Christian life, did he sometimes feel like an imposter?
I wouldn’t be surprised if he did. After all, Paul’s ministry wasn’t the easiest. He often faced rejection and persecution. The churches that he established were not necessarily the beacons of success. Paul himself was thrown into prison countless times. Did all these things weigh on him? Was he ever tempted to see these struggles as testimonies that he wasn’t as faithful, or as loved, as he thought he was?
Imposter Syndrome is the voice of the enemy. It tells us that all manners of goodness or happiness are ill deserved in our lives. Imposter Syndrome tells us that if people knew us as we truly are, then we would not be loved or accepted. Imposter Syndrome wants us to believe that we are fundamentally unlovable or unredeemable, and that even God is perpetually disappointed in us.
But it’s all a lie. We are not cast off or abandoned. God’s love flows ceaselessly toward us. Even in our lowest places, where we feel rejected or unlovable, the Lord enfolds us. This is the gift of Grace. Grace is the gift of reckless and lavish love, unearned and unmerited, Grace tells us that God’s love for us is not a transaction based on our value or worth. God’s love makes its way to us because God chooses to love us, and nothing will persuade the Lord to make a different choice. Grace is sealed in Christ’s blood and stamped by his cross.
Intersecting Faith and Life:
The world around us glamorizes the successful and famous. Because of this, the enemy tells us that unless we are successful or prestigious, then we are not worth God’s time. Thus, if we stumble in our faith, or if we struggle with questions or doubts, it can become easy to view ourselves as someone God could not possibly use. Like Paul, we may see ourselves as least of the apostles and the chief of all sinners. But this isn’t the full story.
True, we may stumble in our Christian walk, but our mistakes and struggles are not where we look. Even though Paul persecuted the church, he looked to God’s grace before all things. Rather than allow the voice of his self-rejection to speak the final word, Paul listens to the word of grace. It is by the grace that Paul is accepted in love. Grace works in him and through him. “His grace toward me is not in vain,” Paul says.
This is our story as well. Grace is powerful and active in our lives. Grace is never given to the perfect or faultless, for if someone is perfect why would they need grace? Instead, grace meets us in the thick of life, in the place of our need. It is grace that defines who we are, not our accomplishments or deeds, our mistakes or sins. So, instead of viewing our weakness as a place of rejection, let us recognize it as the place where God’s grace meets us, and flows through us.
Further Reading
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages
The Reverend Dr. Kyle Norman is the Rector of St. Paul’s Cathedral, located in Kamloops BC, Canada. He holds a doctorate in Spiritual formation and is a sought-after writer, speaker, and retreat leader. His writing can be found at Christianity.com, crosswalk.com, ibelieve.com, Renovare Canada, and many others. He also maintains his own blog revkylenorman.ca. He has 20 years of pastoral experience, and his ministry focuses on helping people overcome times of spiritual discouragement.
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