Friends don’t tell you what you want to hear, they tell you what you need to know. Too many of us, too often, seek out people who affirm without challenge, who console without ever giving advice. We prefer the company of those that make us comfortable rather than grow from any discomfort. The modern-day term for this is an echo chamber, and so many of us reside in one.
Whether online through social media or in person through our small groups. Our natural human instinct is to seek the path of least resistance, and thus, seek those that help us walk said path.
This could explain, in part, why we often give people we like the label friend.
The cashier at the grocery store, the neighbor we see during our morning walk, or our favorite coworker.
Then the moment comes, as with any frequent and long-lasting relationship, when they get on our bad side. Suddenly they’re no longer our friend. But were they ever really?
Where did we, as a church and as a society, go wrong in determining what makes a friend? Is technology to blame, or the previous generation for not telling us what we ought to know?
Whatever the cause, Scripture is a sure place for us to turn in an effort to better understand this concept. The Bible outlines for us in explicit and implicit detail what friendship is all about.
Here are seven ways to know you’ve found a friend.
1. Communication
“My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” (James 1:19)
Friendship starts with communication. One person meets another person, marking the beginning of a new relationship. Then through subsequent interactions and communication, the two people discover just how much they mesh or don’t, what they have in common, and what they don’t. Through our words and body language, we discover each other’s personalities, likes, dislikes, goals, and interests. This is why forging friendships online is difficult. Much of the information we would exchange: body language, tone, and other idiosyncrasies, are lost when our language is reduced to electronic characters and emojis.
This is also why calling someone a friend just because you’ve corresponded online doesn’t make sense, nor is this biblical.
We learn so much through conversations, whether someone respects us, is honest, and holds the same values that we do. If communication ever reveals that you and someone else are diametrically opposed, calling them a friend simply isn’t true. They’re an acquaintance, if anything.
Consider the relationships Jesus had in His life. He communicated with many different people. As a result, he had many acquaintances, twelve disciples, and of the twelve close relationships, three were the most intimate. Despite how many people you may communicate with, how many friends do you truly have?
2. Time Together
“Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper corresponding to him.” (Genesis 2:18)
One way to measure friendship is the amount of time two people spend together. If two claim to be spouses, dating, or just friends, the fair expectation is that they spend time together. Any indication to the contrary is a sign of something gone awry in the relationship, or that the relationship doesn’t fit the bill of friends. Likewise, the deeper the friendship, the more time two people spend together.
However, some of us have adopted the wrong attitude about time spent together. We presume that if we spend time together, then we must be friends. That’s not the case. Sometimes people get together just because they can, or at times to alleviate their own loneliness, or because they struggle with codependency. Convincing yourself that everyone you spend time with is a friend is bound to lead you to future disappointments when they stop coming around or keeping in touch. This could also be a sign that the merits for becoming your friend are low.
As is the case with Jesus, He spent time with people, but not everyone was a friend. But He did spend the most time with His friends.
3. Encouragement
“Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)
Friends don’t just offer you their presence, they offer you their respect. And not just their respect, but also their support. In this world, we have been promised tribulation, but when we can rely on each other, the tribulation has a lesser effect (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Friendships are one definitive way we stand firm in a world ripe with sin and suffering. This means that when we have fallen low due to unfortunate circumstances, friends come to lend a helping hand. This could be a word of encouragement, some advice, a prayer, anything that points us back to God and His kingdom.
And similarly, when we have fallen low due to the consequences of our own sin, friends encourage us to do better and be better.
4. Wisdom
“The one who walks with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm.” (Proverbs 13:20)
There’s a reason this adage came into being, “You are who you spend time with.” The people we spend the most time with are the same people who inevitably have the most impact on our lives. If you’re trying to discern whether or not someone is a friend, then as a Christian, that person should point you back to God. If time with them does the opposite, if instead you are led to sin, then now is the time to reconsider that relationship.
How do you want to define friendship, by those who bring you up or take you down?
5. Accountability
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.” (Proverbs 17:17)
Friends don’t just encourage us; they build us - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Friends aren’t just there when things get rough, they ask us questions to help us understand our predicament. They even ask us hard questions - like, are we the cause of our own suffering?
Friends don’t provide us with an echo chamber because our comfort is not their chief concern. As they love and support us, their concern is what’s best for us. And sometimes what’s best, is what we ourselves least desire.
6. Conflict
“The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.” (Proverbs 27:6)
If someone abandons you when they sense conflict or after conflict has been brought about, then they aren’t your friend. They were never your friend. There is no indication in Scripture that simply having conflict means that a relationship must end. Depending on the subject, sometimes conflict will end a relationship, but only after two people have communicated and reached that conclusion.
Instead, the more biblical approach to conflict reveals that having conflict and overcoming this obstacle, is a testament to the strength of a relationship. Some relationships break, others hold. Ultimately, we can rest assured that the relationships which last are friendships.
7. Sacrifice
“No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)
Friends don’t just take what we offer, they also try to give. And not just a little, but a lot, either hoping to match or even exceed what we give. Not to brag, but to serve. Friends share their financial resources, their emotions, counsel, faith, and their time - one thing they cannot get back.
Not everyone in life is willing to sacrifice on behalf of others. Not everyone esteems others as better than themselves (Philippians 2:3). But the moment you find someone who is willing, know that such a person could make a decent friend.
Conclusion
How do you know when you’ve found a friend? When you don’t want to imagine your life without the presence of a particular person, when you know that moving forward without them would come with plenty of difficulties.
There are many people we know, have known, and will know, but only a few deserve the title of friend.
Related Resource - FREE Faith Podcast!
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Aaron D'Anthony Brown is a freelance writer, hip-hop dance teacher, and visual artist, living in Virginia. He currently contributes to Salem Web Network’s Crosswalk platform and supports various clients through the freelancing website Upwork. He's an outside-the-box thinker with a penchant for challenging the status quo.
Get in touch with him at aarondanthony.com and check out his debut short story anthology Honey Dreams on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.