During this past go around with Proverbs, it occurred to me that the primary counsel given to readers is not super practical. It's not at all simple. It's time-consuming. It is something that, as a parent, you must check yourself that it is even something you are believing and acting on. Daily. And this charge is given so repeatedly in the first nine chapters of the book that it's hilarious and humbling it has taken me so long to recognize the pattern set forth by Solomon. The command—is to get wisdom and insight.
Proverbs 2:3–5, "Yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God."
3:21–22, "My son, do not lose sight of these—keep sound wisdom and discretion, and they will be life for your soul and adornment for your neck."
4:4–7, "Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments and live. Get wisdom, get insight; do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will keep you; love her and she will guard you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight."
There are several other examples in the nine-chapter introduction of Proverbs—4:13, 5:1–2, 6:20–23, 7:1–4, 8:5, 8:32–36, and 9:10–12. Some of these personify wisdom calling out for man to believe and take hold of her. Others speak to the fact that wisdom is equal to life and favor from the LORD.
A Small Difference with Great Impact
Yes, there is an abundance of examples of the differences between wisdom and foolishness. Chapters ten through thirty-one do the heavy lifting of what wisdom is and is not. However, there is a nuanced yet very significant difference between teaching our kids how to get wisdom for themselves versus giving them a perpetual rundown of not being lazy, tempted by passions, or loose-tongued.
Pragmatically, this is the difference between always cooking for your kids vs. letting them make a mess in the kitchen cooking with you. It's constantly bailing them out of tight spots vs. letting them experience the weight of failure and forgetfulness. It's the adage of handing them a fish vs. teaching them how to wield a pole with a slimy worm on the end of it.
Sure, we could perpetually recite commands at our kids, and we do this often. We could have a list of family rules that includes being fair with our resources, working hard all the time, choosing quiet more often, and being alert for incoming temptations—but isn't a list of rules an actual crutch that can lead to behaviorism if not taken to heart? Don't we want to get to the heart of the matter and teach our kids how God's world works? If we have reduced life to just minding and obeying a list of do's and don'ts, then we are forgetting the whole canon of the New Testament and the gospel it delivers.
And I am not neglecting the fact that it is indeed our job to teach the rules of the LORD to our children diligently and to keep such decrees in front of them (Deuteronomy 6). This is the starting line of how they discover what is wise from what is foolish. But likewise, I am not neglecting the first command to have no other gods before the one true God—that is not a behavioral change but can only be possible through a complete transformation.
You see, it is rather simple for all of us parents to be far too pleased with judging the seen world of our children. If we think that mandating a permanent place on the A-B honor roll, the varsity sports team, or first chair will stave off laziness, then we are gravely mistaken. Those things can all be accomplished through a variety of methods. It's not the ends we are focusing on here but the means.
Three ways to help your kids value wisdom:
1. It Starts with You, the Parent
I am becoming increasingly aware of familiar verses I have never applied to parenting. For instance: "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3)
So then, this leads me to wonder if I value wisdom the way I want my daughters to. James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him." I confess—wisdom is something I ask for in a time of crisis and not on the regular, meaning I do not quite value it the way I know I ought.
Like everything in this Christian parenting journey, If we want our children to pursue wisdom in this ever-changing culture, then we must make the first move.
2. Move from Telling to Asking
We are to get to our children's hearts, which looks different as they grow older. One way to instill a desire for wisdom is to grow your methods with your children. We start by telling our children about the right and wise path to walk in, but we can't stay in that throughout our kids' years at home. That is the crutch mentioned above we must retire. At some point, we become less hands-on by asking questions, leading them to wisdom instead.
For example, with everyday occurrences, we can ask, "what would bring God glory and honor in this?" or "does this serve others or just yourself?" Questions like this allow our children to think along the same trajectory as wisdom, even anticipating the outcome.
3. Engage the Culture
Along with asking good questions that lead our kids to make their own wise choices is using the same method to engage the culture. We are surrounded by beauty and foolishness that should serve as training grounds for valuing wisdom—and doing so without promoting pharisaical intentions.
Watching movies with our kids and reading through music lyrics and books are great ways to not only take the temperature on your kids' maturity and understanding of God's standard but also to take practice runs at wisdom in a low to no-stakes way. This definitely isn't something to practice daily, or our kids will run for the hills. It does take intentionality and creativity but yields connection to something relevant, giving your kids the home court advantage.
In every story, there is conflict, so you can simply ask, "did that character show wisdom when he _________?" When the answer is no, ask what the ramifications were, how did that affect others around them, what they could have done differently. The bottom line is to direct the conversation to this: "Is this wisdom that would be found in the Bible?" Then find it in the Bible! —it's the most important type of literacy on either side of the Mississippi River.
The God of Wisdom
Proverbs 8:22–31 says that God created the world with wisdom—it's His very breath. James 3:13–18 has a vice list for un-wisdom (jealousy, selfish ambition, demonic activity) and a virtue list for wisdom (peaceable, open to reason, sincere). Simply put, it is all over our Bibles, so fostering a desire for God and His Word and wisdom are all intertwined and are of utmost importance as we disciple our children.
Ultimately we remind ourselves and teach our children that getting wisdom means walking with God every day. It means believing that Jesus came to live, die, and rise from the dead so that when we make foolish choices, we can be covered by His sweet mercy and grace. When we focus on teaching them to get wisdom and insight for themselves, we trust the God of wisdom who created our children rather than our lists of right and wrong.
Kate Stevens is a worshiper, wife, and mom, and with the help of the Lord, that is her hierarchy of work. Beyond this, she works with the youth and children at her church and edits as a freelancer. She enjoys reading, writing, running, cooking, and practicing thinking pure and lovely things.
After being unsure if they ever wanted children, the Lord eventually blessed Kate and her husband Clint after nearly three years of waiting. They welcomed their first daughter in 2011, another daughter in 2013, and yet another daughter in 2016. Kate considers this her most time-consuming, emotion-full, sanctifying, not always pretty but trusting in the Lord’s plan, and blessed work. Stuck in a house with four females, her husband Clint consistently reminds Kate of her identity and union in Christ.
You can read more of Kate's work here.