I am not married. I am not married, but one day I hope to be. And though I hope to be, there are certainly days when that hope grows sour. Not just because of trends like ghosting or fading, or the narcissism just about all of us exhibit. No, my hope grows dreary because of the normalcy of divorce. Everyone knows someone who’s been divorced. Everyone knows someone who has had more than one divorce.
Whereas society used to hold contempt and stigma towards divorce, now the process is common, normal, and expected.
When? When you’ve had enough of being unhappy.
Why? Because you deserve to be happy.
But are these ideas biblical?
Common sense tells us that happiness fluctuates, hour to hour, day to day, season to season. Biblical wisdom tells us that we don’t deserve happiness, quite the opposite (Romans 6:23).
According to the Center for Disease Control, as of March 2022, the marriage rate was 5.1 per 1,000 total population, and the divorce rate was 2.3 per 1,000 population. That’s almost half of marriages ending in divorce, and there is no reason to think this trend will reverse any time soon.
If divorce rates do decrease, that’s likely because a number of people are deciding not to get married in the first place. But we, as Christians, most of us, are called to marriage.
Thus, if I am to be married one day, I want to share with my wife the decision that divorce is not an option. Exactly that. Divorce is not an option. Such an idea is not on the table, and we will work through whatever comes our way. Whatever comes our way. But so many people don’t think like that, even in the church, leaving me with one question: how do we fix marriage?
Contentment in Singleness
A boyfriend or girlfriend can add to who we are, but they can’t make us who we are. They can add to our happiness, but they can’t make us happy. We can certainly find joy in their company, joy in serving them, being served, but they should not be the sole source of our joy. In other words, we shouldn’t make our lovers into our God.
Making lovers into idols is disastrous for them and for us. But that’s exactly what some of us do. That's why people clamor to be in a relationship, any relationship, when they find themselves single. They aren’t satisfied with being alone, but this mindset poses a threat when marriage does occur.
If you are not satisfied with yourself, why would someone else be? And if you’re not satisfied with yourself, how could you ever be satisfied with someone else?
We find contentment in singleness by being more like Paul, learning to live in abundance and in lack. We must learn to live with just ourselves and God before adding someone else to the picture. Then when we do, everyone benefits.
“Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and everyone who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.” (Luke 16:18)
Courting
I wonder if part of the reason we don’t take marriage seriously is because we don't take dating seriously. Some people admittedly date just for fun. Some see no issue with seeing a different person every day of the week. Dating in their eyes, is just two people who are attracted to one another, maybe even romantically interested, spending time together. They aren’t wrong in their definition, but they are led astray by their intentions. What’s the end goal?
Courting is the process by which two people date with the predetermined end goal of marriage in mind.
“But I tell you, everyone who divorces his wife, except in a case of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 5:32)
Honest Vows
One reason I’m hesitant to date a divorcee is because of the vow she made to her former husband. They both uttered the words, “til death do us part.” Only, death didn’t do them part. Not a literal death, but don’t these words mean a literal death?
If marriage is a life-long commitment, why do people treat it like a part-time engagement?
If we are to be married, which Scripture encourages, we should also be honest with our lovers and ourselves. Scripture also calls on us to be honest, right? We should mean what we say, and say what we mean. Promises mean something.
“But if the unbeliever leaves, let him leave. A brother or a sister is not bound in such cases. God has called you to live in peace.” (1 Corinthians 7:15)
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/jodie777
Contentment in Marriage
Society says to divorce if you’re unhappy, but what if you’re unhappy and single? In the latter case, they give you strategies to cope. That begs the question, if there are strategies people give you to cope with the unhappiness as a single man or woman, don’t some of those same strategies apply when in marriage?
What people often say is, “I tried everything,” but is such a statement true? Do we truly believe that every single person who says they have tried everything has actually tried everything? What they likely mean is, “I have tried a lot and now I am tired of trying.”
That’s a sentiment most of us can relate to, myself included. We go through seasons of waiting on God for major change only to realize, that the season may be longer than we expected. And often, longer than we wanted.
However, for most of us, there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you ask around you will discover couples who have survived affairs, addiction, and more. Some of these people went through these seasons for years. Not one or two, but ten and fifteen. The question is can you endure? Yes. Do you want to endure or do you want to quit? You decide.
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:6)
Serve Selflessly
If there’s one Bible passage that comes to mind when considering marriage, that would be 1 Corinthians 13, especially verses 4-8. If everyone accomplished this ideal in their marriages, there would be no need for divorce. That goes without saying, but if we all strove for this ideal, there would be no need for the divorce either.
Many have said, those with long-lasting marriages, that the relationship is not 50/50. Such a ratio will fluctuate not just with the season of life the two spouses are in, but also with the topic at hand. Sometimes one lover communicates better than the other, something like a 70/30 ratio, and that won’t change. Ever. Sometimes one contributes to the household income vastly more than the other and that won’t change. Ever. The question then is where can compromise be established?
No matter what changes occur, what should remain the same is the decision to serve selflessly. Both parties. Then, though the seasons may change, love will never end.
“He told them, ‘Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of the hardness of your hearts, but it was not like that from the beginning.’” (Matthew 19:8)
Conclusion
I’m not married, and for that reason alone, I can’t claim that I would never divorce under any circumstance. I just don’t know. But when considering ideas like ‘til death do us part,” I can’t help but consider what those words mean.
People are seeking divorce for every reason under the sun. Should we instead look for every reason to stay?
What I do know, however, is that our society has moved from one valuing marriage and family to that of self-love and affirmation. We stick with those who satisfy us and prepare to ditch them when they don’t. There are seasons in our own lives, good and bad, certainly there will be seasons in a marriage or any relationship that are good and bad. How long will the season last? Only God knows, but He has given us a way to endure. Most of them, at least.
“This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Jacob Lund
Aaron D'Anthony Brown is a freelance writer, hip-hop dance teacher, and visual artist, living in Virginia. He currently contributes to Salem Web Network’s Crosswalk platform and supports various clients through the freelancing website Upwork. He's an outside-the-box thinker with a penchant for challenging the status quo.
Get in touch with him at aarondanthony.com and check out his debut short story anthology Honey Dreams on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.