Most people would agree, friends make a difference on this side of life. They bring light to our darkness and relief to our burdens. Friends offer the insight that we lack and the companionship that we need. With friends, we smile, we laugh, and we become better versions of ourselves. We do things that we would otherwise never even try.
Considering how much we talk about friendship, online or in person, ironically, there are so many of us that lament loneliness. How can this be?
Maybe we don’t have as many friends as we believe, or maybe fewer people than we believe actually have friends. Which describes you?
There is a way to know if you have a friend, and the same way you know is the same way you find one. Here are four biblical guidelines for friendship.
1. Initiate
In today’s culture, we’ve lost our ability to speak to people. Rather than exchanging quick eye contact followed by a “hello,” we opt to avoid people altogether. And in places where we can’t, like church or family functions, we give the superficial, “Hey! How are you?” as we continue on our way, not stopping to hear a real answer. Yet, initiating these basic interactions is how we meet people. Without meeting people, we don’t form relationships.
Then, even after establishing a relationship, we still need to initiate in order to maintain the relationship and help it grow. We initiate through conversations, making phone calls, and setting plans in place with our friends. Scripture calls us to a life of engagement, actively building relationships and serving others, not passivity.
If you’re simply waiting to see the person again instead of pursuing them, chances are, they’re just an acquaintance. But if you’re both initiating with one another, then you’re well on your way toward a mutual friendship.
2. Collaborate
“Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)
As with any healthy relationship, friends collaborate. They work together to build one another up, offering support, wisdom, and anything else needed for the task at hand. Friends show up in the middle of the night when you get stuck on the road, and they tell you to turn back when you’re considering a bad suitor.
However, friends don’t simply exist to serve you. Calling someone a friend simply for what they offer is selfish. Any lasting friendship requires reciprocation to last. Both parties are actively engaged in the well-being of the other. And if conflict emerges or boundaries get crossed, friends come together to discuss a solution. They compromise, and they do so because of their commitment to the relationship.
3. Forgive
“For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your offenses.” (Matthew 6:14-15)
No matter who you are or who you’re friends with, conflict is unavoidable. While we all have the option of running from conflict each and every time, that doesn’t make the conflict go away. Usually, not dealing with the problem makes things worse. The marker of a friend is someone willing to have conflict and actively seeks resolution with you. Oftentimes, that resolution comes in the form of forgiveness.
The people closest to us have a knack for hurting us the most, but that’s because we’ve given them more vulnerability than others. That being said, overcoming our trials of conflict have the potential to make the relationship grow stronger than before. Hardships make us wiser, stronger, and more appreciative of our friendships.
God calls us to forgive. Just as we seek His forgiveness, He expects us to also forgive others. Clinging to unforgiveness jeopardizes the relationship and communicates that we are more concerned with being justified than being in the friendship.
4. Reconcile
“The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.” (Proverbs 27:6)
Whereas forgiveness is performed by the individual, reconciliation requires the participation of both parties. Sometimes the conflict that occurs is so grand that two people have to do more than offer an apology. They need to sort through the details and figure out what needs to change. And with those determined changes, both people then decide whether or not they agree. This is the reconciliation process, which can end in two people staying united or going their separate ways.
Choosing not to hold on to something doesn’t exactly equal choosing to hold on to someone. Sometimes relationships end for the better, but when they don’t, and you’re growing closer to one another and to God, chances are, you might have found a friend.
More Verses about Biblical Friendship
“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up. Also, if two lie down together, they can keep warm; but how can one person alone keep warm? And if someone overpowers one person, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
Life and all of its obstacles pose a greater challenge when we try to do things on our own.
“One with many friends may be harmed, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24)
This verse posits a difference in the quality of friendship., indicating one is better than the other. Which type of friendships do you hold?
“Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good morals.’” (1 Corinthians 15:33)
Everyone we come across offers some potential influence over our lives. The closer we are to them, the more influence they exert.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.” (Proverbs 17:17)
Friends don’t disappear when conflict arises. They possess the godly qualities needed to collaborate with you and overcome the obstacle at hand.
“This is my command: Love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.” (John 15:12-14)
Through His life, Jesus not only showed us how to love, but how to be a friend. Now, with His example, all we have to do is live out the lessons.
What Is a Friend?
Friends are not summed up simply as “people I talk to” or “people I spend time with.” Friends enrich our lives in ways different from family, deeper than coworkers. They are actively invested in helping us find positive outcomes for our lives. They make us laugh and cry, smile and frown. They point us back to God when we’re tempted to go our own way.
Without a doubt, we need friends. Why?
God designed us for relationships with other people. Much like Adam and Eve, we were not made to live life alone. We all need people, from the moment we’re a baby nursed by our mother to the day we’re old and in need of living assistance.
We always need people, and for that reason alone, we always need a friend.
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Xavier Lorenzo
Aaron D'Anthony Brown is a freelance writer, hip-hop dance teacher, and visual artist, living in Virginia. He currently contributes to Salem Web Network’s Crosswalk platform and supports various clients through the freelancing website Upwork. He's an outside-the-box thinker with a penchant for challenging the status quo.
Get in touch with him at aarondanthony.com and check out his debut short story anthology Honey Dreams on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.