Poor Riley. Life’s not easy when you are a tween brimming with intense feelings. Under extreme pressure because of her recent relocation from Minnesota to California, Riley is on the brink of a breakdown, and it comes to a head at the dinner table. Sensing that something may be troubling their daughter, her parents seek to engage her in conversation. But oh so easily, as what happens with many families, the lines of communication get crossed. What was initially intended as a moment to connect hearts has resulted in a fissure.
The preceding is a scene from the children’s animated movie Inside Out. It’s a compelling film that takes viewers inside each character's emotions. And like Riley’s parents, I, too, have been at the crossroads of communication breakdown.
As a mama of six, many days, I have wondered if I’m getting it right. Even with all my praying and fasting, my mothering still comes through the filter of my humanity. I pray that my time spent with God cleans the filter of my heart so that my love for my children flows freely. I want nothing more than to be a conduit of God’s love, grace, and mercy. But there are times when misunderstandings still happen.
Communication is delicate. Words. Tone. Body language. They all greatly color our relay of messages. And based on one’s current mood, events of the day, and past experiences, it is easy to drift into the lane of miscommunication and cause damage unknowingly. Even with our most concerted efforts, we can all succumb to unknowingly damaging our relationships with our children.
Here are four common ways it can show up:
1. Rejection
Joseph was rejected by his brothers. Jeremiah was rejected by man. Hagar was rejected by her mistress. And even Jesus himself was rejected.
Parents can unknowingly reject their children. The rejection can come from not supporting their dreams and interests. It can also show up in overlooking the gifts God has placed in them. A parent’s aversion to a personality quirk or learning difference can show up as rejection.
One of my children is a musical/rhythmic learner. When she was little, she used pencils for drumsticks. She hummed melodies, and it downright drove me nuts. I would try to get her to sit quietly when working. Unknowingly, I was rejecting her learning style. I thank God for giving me insight into what I initially thought was just “being noisy.” It is now fifteen years later, and this child is excelling in college.
Rejection cuts deeply and can sow seeds of fear, insecurity, and doubt that can travel with a child well into their adulthood. As parents, we must be proactive in demonstrating to our children that they are loved and accepted. We must reinforce it with our words and our actions.
2. Lack of Availability
As humans, we are hardwired for connection. While quality time may or may not be your child’s love language, every child needs your presence. And this doesn’t only include physical presence, as we know we can be physically present but mentally disengaged. Our children need our time, our engagement, and our availability.
We live in a world fraught with distractions. From the incessant chatter on TV to ping after ping of social media notifications, the pull on our attention is real. And distractions don’t only come in the way of the media. Everyday living has its many demands: caring for aging parents, navigating a health challenge, or having a demanding job can eat away at our attention.
In the book Seen, Dr. Chinwe Williams shares on making yourself available to your children. She says, “When devices keep us as parents from being fully present, it can hinder our efforts to show up. We have to be intentional about showing up physically, mentally and emotionally.”
We can take a note from Jesus, who readily made Himself available to children. Luke 18:16 tells us, “Jesus, however, called the children to himself and said, "Let the children come to me and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” Let us put away the phones. Let us ensure we are doing sufficient self-care so that we have the capacity to make ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally available to our children.
3. Provoking Them to Anger
The Bible is very clear in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (ESV).” Some versions say, "do not frustrate or exasperate your child." It can be intensely bothersome to a person when they are made to feel shame, embarrassment, or comparison. These are some primary ways that we can provoke our children to anger. Things like withholding eye contact, being stingy with affection, and constantly being critical are additional means by which we, as parents, knowingly or unknowingly damage the precious relationship we have with our children.
4. Misplaced Expectation
Part of us expects our children to always obey. Part of us wishes our children would never sin. Part of us wants them to just do right and be right. We expect if we tell them to do something, they should do it and do it right the first time. This demand is an unrealistic expectation that can harm the parent-child relationship.
In my book Purposeful Parenting, I share the following scenario. When a teacher is introducing a new concept, he or she starts by giving a direct instruction. The teacher may stand in front of the class at the whiteboard and walk step by step through the problem. The teacher will then address questions, after which they will do guided practice. Here, the teacher will shift from direct teaching to facilitating. The teacher will call upon a particular student or request a volunteer. Then students may work collaboratively with peers. Here, the teacher is watching and observing the students. The teacher may give praise or provide clarity. Lastly, the students will have an opportunity to work independently to show mastery of the subject matter.
Parents, we often RUSH the process. We want to move from direct instruction to independent practice in a single bound. And the teachers will tell you that a great deal of time is spent in the guided practice mode. Don’t miss this, or else you’ll find yourself feeling like you’re going backwards again and again. Give time for practice before you expect mastery.
Let us leave some margin for practice. Let us extend grace and mercy. In doing so, we manage our expectations and foster healthy relationships with our children.
The Lord isn’t expecting us to be perfect parents. He knows that the lived human experience will inevitably find us doing something to unknowingly impair our relationship with our children. But here’s the hope, in His loving kindness, the Lord is merciful to us. When we are merciful with our children, we receive mercy (Matthew 5:7). He is patient with us. And He has the power to mend hearts, redeem time and restore any breach that may have occurred between you and your children.
Pray with Me
Most gracious and merciful Father, thank you for your unfailing love for me. As I receive your love, may I be a conduit to extend that love to my children. For any stony areas in my heart, remove them and give me a heart of flesh that beats in perfect concert with yours.
Lord, I repent for how I may have unknowingly damaged my relationship with my children. I thank you, God, for being the Restorer of the breach. I thank you that Your ministry is one of love, reconciliation, and forgiveness. May I continue to dwell with my children with understanding as I seek to foster healthy relationships with them. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
Related Resource: Listen to Our FREE Parenting Podcast!
The Famous at Home Podcast with Josh and Christi Straub helps you stay emotionally engaged and connected to your biggest fans - the people in your homes. In this episode, we talk about the word "discipline," and why it's the "end all be all" for your family, but not for your kids. Click the play button below to listen!
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Tyra Lane-Kingsland is a speaker, Women’s Ministry Director and author of the book Purposeful Parenting. She enjoys facilitating the classes she’s developed on parenting and Health & Wellness. It is her assertion that health is wealth and believes that optimal health is achieved through proper nourishment, rest and exercise. Tyra is an attentive wife and mother of six. Knowing that God causes all things to work together for good, she is on a passionate pursuit to see women inspired to live fully!