My dad has always been a stoic and emotionally strong man. The backbone of our family. He's a strong, faithful leader, loving husband, and caring father. He can easily bring peace to chaos, offer sage advice, and quickly lend a hand when needed. He's noble and kind-hearted. A man of integrity. Sure, he has his quirks like everyone else, but many admire and respect him.
Every Thursday, we meet up for our daddy/daughter date. I truly look forward to it each week! We visit my mom's grave and then grab lunch at one of his three favorite places. It's become a routine that has brought us both a sense of comfort, and I am ever so grateful for that.
However, last Thursday, when I popped over for our usual visit, he greeted me at the door with a solemn face. His best friend had a sudden heart attack and was in the hospital. He was devasted. Tears filled his eyes as he spoke about his friend's children and beloved wife, who was also a close friend to my mom.
We didn't go see my mom that day. My dad just wasn't up for it. Instead, we sat over a cup of coffee, and I listened as he shared stories of his friend. We laughed and cried. He re-read funny emails that were sent over and looked back at all the old pictures. He recalled memory after memory of their times together, growing up and seeking the same career. Then sadly, a few days later, my dad received the dreaded phone call, the one he didn't want to answer but had been anticipating. His friend was gone.
That call prompted him to call me. He told me he wanted help typing up a memoir to share at the funeral, as he was asked to speak. He considered that a tremendous honor and wanted his words to bless the family. As the pen hit the paper and he began to write, all the memories and reminiscing resurfaced much pain and triggered many emotions. Grief is like that. It comes bubbling back up to the surface with each new heartache.
Maybe you find yourself in that same season. A place where you see your parents aging and you long to love and support them through times of deep sorrow and grief. However, you aren't exactly sure how to do that or don't know what they need. While each person will respond and react differently to grief, and it is a personal journey, I believe there are a few ways to give them the support they need. I have noticed that these responses have helped my dad cope, even bringing a sweet smile to his face, blessing us both.
So, my friend, here are six ways you can love and support your grieving parent.
1. Listen
Often, we put so much pressure on ourselves to say the right things that we fail to be quiet and listen. When your parent begins talking, just be present and soak it all in. Being an active listener and asking thoughtful questions shows them you genuinely care. Chances are it will touch their heart (and yours) that you took the time to listen. Questions to help guide conversation when needed:
-Tell me more about…
-How do you feel about…
-What is your favorite memory?
2. Be Available
Your parent may not always tell you they need you, but they are grateful when you show up and help. Offer tangible ways to support them by providing a meal, assisting them at the grocery store, or helping pay bills. All those "honey-do's" that once came naturally for them may be more challenging now.
Initially, you may want to reach out to close neighbors or church friends and set up a care calendar to help with certain tasks or needs. Keep in mind that the first few weeks are always the roughest, but also the time in which they will generally receive the most support. It is usually the months after, when most of the calls and meals have stopped, that they will find themselves sitting alone; that is when the weight of grief settles in. So, be sure to check in often and see how you can assist.
3. Seek Support
After my mom's death, my sister looked into grief support groups. About six months later, they began attending, and I am so glad they did! It was a great way for my dad to connect with others on this same grief journey. He gained faith-based counsel and wisdom on the stages of grief as well as ways to heal and seek hope, all while making meaningful connections.
If your parent is opposed to a group or support in this manner, look into helpful resources online or grief books that can provide helpful ways to navigate grief safely.
4. Acknowledge Special Dates
They say the first year is the hardest, but it's also been said that the first year is a haze, and the following year after the numbness wears off, is when the real grief settles in. Honestly, we are still in the first year, so I can't say whether or not the first year is more challenging, but I can say that grief is personal and will affect each of us differently. Whether it is the year of firsts, the second, or the third, it is always considerate to acknowledge special days. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays will always be difficult. So be gentle in your approach when these dates roll around, and take a moment to let them know you are available to be a sounding board if needed.
5. Pay Attention to Their Health
Grief can cause a multitude of health concerns. I can attest that I have physically eaten my weight in ice cream; the scale shows as much. Sigh. That said, undergoing a tragic loss can cause many health concerns that we should be aware of and try to notice when it comes to a grieving parent. Grief can affect our mental, emotional, and physical state. Talk to your parent about getting their annual check-up and be aware of signs that could cause potential health concerns. Here are some to be mindful of:
Emotionally
Isolation
Irritability
Uncontrollable Fear
Mentally
Forgetfulness
Confusion
Disorientation
Physically
Appetite Changes
Sleep Pattern Changes
Inactivity
Taking Up New Bad Habits
Poor Hygiene
Most of these are normal and will ebb and flow the first few months, but if it lasts for a while or becomes alarming, call their doctor and seek guidance.
6. Be Patient
Obviously, we need to be patient with our parents during grief. But, sometimes, that is easier said than done. Often a parent refuses help or falls into denial. It can become difficult to love and support them when they push you away.
Remember this - they are adjusting to a new normal. Grief takes time. My dad likes to say that we all get cynical with age. It may be true that we view life differently as we age due to the vast amount of trials and losses we encounter, but I wouldn't say we necessarily all grow cynical. In retrospect, I would say we learn to get more in tune with our feelings. When our lives change, it changes us. It forces us to shift our perspective, and we realize that life is merely a vapor, and then it is gone.
If they are unwilling to receive help, let them know you are praying for them and are there when they are ready. In the meantime, here is a go-to prayer to pray over them.
Heavenly Father, Thank you for my mom/dad. I know they are hurting, so I lift them up to You. Please grant them peace and give them comfort as only You can during their time of sorrow. Wrap them in Your unfailing love and draw them close, reminding them that You have a plan and they have a purpose. Amen.
Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy. Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.