When I was pregnant in 1995, we thought it was a big deal to show a fuzzy ultrasound picture to my parents to announce we were expecting. Now so many expectant parents create a clever way to let their parents know a little one is on the way–and they billboard it on social media. Of the many I've seen, there are always tears, cheers, and hugs from people who are beyond excited that they will be grandparents. No wonder. Most of us hear "grandchild" and have visions of spoiling them (think toys and sugar) and then sending them home for the parents to deal with the aftermath. But what happens when grandparenting isn't all that you expected or wanted? When there are things that God, in His perfect will, allows you to face because your kids decided to have kids?
Children are always a blessing from the Lord, but here are eight of the most difficult things that grandparents may have to face:
1. When Distance Keeps You Away
If you don't live near your grandchildren, there is a greater challenge in seeing them, getting to know them, and being an influence. On the other hand, if you live near your grandchildren to a point and then you or they move, that can be mentally and emotionally taxing to young and old. Friends of mine travel 6 hours every other weekend to see their grandkids and have for almost 20 years. They can do this, but some cannot afford to travel or have some other reason not to be able to get together.
What can you do? Communicate as much as possible on every device possible. Make trips to see them when you can, and ask your children to make it a priority for them to see their grandparents at least twice a year.
Resources:
The Health Benefits of Having (and Being) Grandparents
7 Small Ways to Love Your Grandkids from Afar
2. When Illness or Disability Makes it Difficult
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Sneksy
A lot of the issues with distance can be experienced when a grandparent suffers from illness or disability. Both create a similar strain on kids and grandparents. It is especially gut-wrenching when a child has had a close relationship with an active grandparent, and that relationship changes overnight.
What can you do? Explain to the child that God is working out His perfect plan in the grandparent's life just like He is in theirs. Don't keep the child from the grandparent unless there are things the child is too young to experience or see. Normalizing illness and encouraging the child to come up with creative ways to interact with the grandparent can help both to grow by the grace of God.
3. When Grandparents Disagree with Parents on Major Issues
This is an entire article unto itself, as there is much to unpack with this. But suffice it to say that grandparents need to know what the issues are, how serious they are, and what options are available to them to rectify. For instance, if there is a disagreement over how much time the child spends with one side of the family over the other, this should only require sensible, adult conversation to create a fair calendar.
However, if the issue is that the parents are encouraging the child to choose their gender, that requires much more effort on the part of the grandparents. Unfortunately, many states protect children's rights over their parents–and grandparents have even less power. Situations like this call for much prayer, support from your church, advice from a Christian mental health professional —but most of all, two-way conversation with the child that expresses your love for how God made them, what's happening in their life, how Jesus feels about them, and why they feel defined the way they do.
Resources:
How to Disagree with Family without Destroying Relationships
Grandparenting as a Team: How to Lead Grandchildren with Parents, Not against Them
Helping Children with Gender Identity Confusion - Focus on the Family
4. When Parents Divorce
Our society has normalized divorce, so parents rarely think about the level of impact on their children. They believe if they are happy, the children will be happy. But God designed the family the way He did for a reason, and much has to do with same-gender and cross-gender nurturing, feelings of security, and stability. While a grandparent can't fix the divorce, spending time with Grandma and Grandpa can help give the child more of what is missing due to mom and dad being apart.
I highly recommend that grandparents remain as aware as possible about what is happening at home or in both homes. Without alienating mom and dad, grandparents can support the grandchildren and try to help normalize their lives. I know a grandpa who has to walk a fine line between mom and dad with his comments because he knows that at any time, the parents may withhold visits with him. But he realized how much the parents began to appreciate his help with his granddaughter, so they became more open to hearing comments about how to create the best life possible for the child.
5. When Your Grandchild Is Lost Spiritually
If a child is spiritually lost, there is a better-than-average chance that their parents are also lost. However, God, in His sovereignty, placed your grandchild into your family for a reason. One reason may be that you are to have spiritual influence over this particular human's life–the most important work you will ever do. Of course, that starts with fervent prayer, asking the Lord to reach this child's mind and heart with the truth of the gospel. For young children, there are a number of excellent children's Bibles that are much more visually and verbally appealing than their predecessors. Read with them every chance you get.
But look for other ways to influence the child's faith. Take every opportunity to talk with the child about Jesus, asking the Holy Spirit for the right timing and words. Also, will the parents let you take the child to Vacation Bible School? Sunday School? Youth group? A game night at church? I would also enlist a group of prayer warriors at your church to agree in prayer with you. Perhaps there are other families in the church with a child your grandchild's age that you could introduce them to. If your church has a children's ministry, talk to the leader about how to reach out to this child since that is their expertise!
6. When Your Grandchild Can't or Doesn't Want to See You
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Deagreez
There are a number of scenarios that may cause this, but I'm reminded of an especially painful one for grandparents I know. They practically raised their grandsons since they babysat them so much. They doted on them, played with them, and cheered them on as they grew into athletes. But then, one day, Mom got into an argument with Grandma over something silly, and suddenly the kids were not allowed to see their grandparents. They were eight and 15 at the time. They died after dealing with this heartbreak for a dozen years.
In this scenario, the grandchildren were told a lie about their grandparents, so the kids didn't want to see them. When they were old enough to drive or choose for themselves, they still ignored Grandma and Grandpa. Of course, the first thing to do in this situation is to pray as fervently as possible–using God's Word about children and families as your guide. Pray for their faith in the midst of this. Pour out your heart before God and ask Him to take your pain and use it for good and His glory (Romans 8:28). Then see if there are practical things you can do.
7. When Your Children Are Not Adulting
Another friend of mine is in a very difficult position. Her son and daughter-in-law announced they were having a baby, and she panicked. These two young people had very little clue how to be adults though they were in their mid-20s. Neither one had a decent job, didn't keep their home clean, and had questionable friends and activities. I was impressed to see how she stepped in to ensure the child had everything he needed–medical/dental care, a good Christian school, church, and Sunday School.
The parents are finally starting to catch up after watching her for six years. This grandparent could have very easily taken her hands off the wheel, but she truly felt called by God to help train up this child in the way he should go. She regrets how she raised her son to be spoiled, but God took the dysfunction of the whole situation and redeemed it.
8. When Your Kids Take Advantage of You
Unfortunately, grandchildren are too easily used as bargaining tools between parents and grandparents. Your kids know you want to spend time with the grandchildren and be part of their lives, but in a dysfunctional relationship, grandparents become codependent and let their kids take too much advantage.
They may expect that since the grandparents love the kids, they want to see them as much as possible. There may be no boundaries about when little Amanda comes over, even if it's inconvenient for Grandpa. And if they really want to take advantage, they will bring her over when she needs a meal, needs help with homework, or needs to get something at the store for school the next day. I know a gentleman who has had to pay all of the medical bills for his granddaughter because the parents won't pay for insurance for her. The parents have also borrowed money for things like birthday parties.
Going to God With All of It
It doesn't take much to see that many of the situations I chose to illustrate are dysfunctional: people acting poorly toward one another. So if you see yourself or your family in any of these examples, consider what Jesus said about the second commandment: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Mark 12:31. It might sound like a trite answer, but think about all that implies:
- Have self-respect and self-control based on the Word of God. Understand that the God of the universe created you for such a time as this to lavish His love on you. Make sure you spend significant time each day in God's Word and prayer to strengthen your heart and mind to handle situations with family. Ask Him to help you act appropriately and set boundaries that will be a blessing to all.
- Share the love and forgiveness that God has lavished on you. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring the Word alive as you read it so you know the real truth, not relative, postmodern truth that your children and grandchildren are exposed to. Be a light in a dark place, a city on a hill, and salt and light as the leader of your family.
Finally, I know a woman who told her children long before they were married that she didn't intend to be a grandmother. When grandchildren began to emerge, she moved across the country and retired to the ski slopes. She doesn't visit or acknowledge birthdays. Now you could say that she has escaped all of the "problems" of being a grandparent–and perhaps she knows herself best–but I think even with the struggles, it is incredibly worthwhile to watch a grandchild grow and be part of that experience. If God brings them, they deserve our best.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/FG Trade
Mary Oelerich-Meyer is a Chicago-area freelance writer and copy editor who prayed for years for a way to write about and for the Lord. She spent 20 years writing for area healthcare organizations, interviewing doctors and clinical professionals and writing more than 1,500 articles in addition to marketing collateral materials. Important work, but not what she felt called to do. She is grateful for any opportunity to share the Lord in her writing and editing, believing that life is too short to write about anything else. Previously she served as Marketing Communications Director for a large healthcare system. She holds a B.A. in International Business and Marketing from Cornell College (the original Cornell!) When not researching or writing, she loves to spend time with her writer daughter, granddaughter, rescue doggie and husband (not always in that order).