As rudeness has become more commonplace in our society, so have our children. I'm sure you've noticed this in your own household too. No matter where you live, you'll encounter impolite adults and children.
A new study by Solitaired finds Philadelphia, San Francisco, and New York City rank as the top three US cities, respectively, with the rudest kids. Teenagers scored as the rudest age group along minors, and 49% of respondents reported children being the most rude to their parents. The rudest behaviors among kids include being absorbed in their phones, cursing, or playing music/videos too loud. The study had some bright spots, with Nashville, San Antonio, and Portland ranking as the top three cities, respectively, with the kindest kids.
We all want our children to behave, but since no child is perfect, we can encounter rudeness in our kids or teens on any given day. Here are four ways to respond when your child is rude to you.
Consider the context. When my teenager snaps something rude to me, I wonder why - is my child having a bad day? Is he upset about losing a game or doing poorly on a test? Not that this means the child has license to be rude, but it does help me to know whether to respond immediately to the rudeness or to step back to give the kid space to process the initial angst before talking about what was said.
Give them space. This goes along with considering the context. Often, rudeness is the result of a child acting out because of something entirely unrelated to the person in front of them. We need to be willing to let our child calm down before addressing the rudeness because if we jump right in, we'll only escalate the problem—essentially, building a mountain out of a molehill. By stepping away from the child, we also allow them to come to terms with what they said, which often leads to them apologizing for their rude behavior without our request.
Remember, tone of voice is subjective. Yes, sometimes, our teens know exactly how they sound when they say, "Whatever." And yes, sometimes, our younger kids have perfected that whininess to drive us crazy. But—and stay with me here—many times, tone of voice is in the ear of the listener. Let's be more charitable when hearing something we think is rude, and the kid had no intention of being rude. That doesn't mean you have to let it slide, but it does mean you have a gentle conversation in which you say that particular phrase sounds rude to you and that while you know their intention wasn't to be rude, you would appreciate them not using that phrase or word when talking to you.
Let grace guide you. We can all do more to extend grace to our kids when their mouths run away with them. While correction is necessary, let's be kind in how we do so and recognize that sometimes, even we are rude to others.
Be willing to apologize for your rudeness. There are times when I'm downright impolite to my kids—they know, and I know it. Therefore, it's me who needs to issue an apology without qualification ("I'm sorry but…"). When we're rude, whether to our spouse, kids, the driver who cut us off, or the store clerk who messed up our order, we need to own it, say we're sorry, and try to do better next time. Let's set the example for working through our own tendency to be rude.
Address rudeness in other kids. I also want to discuss how to respond when a teen or child who is not yours is blatantly rude to you. This could be a neighborhood playmate, a kid at the playground, or your teen's friend. You don't have to put up with it, but how you address it must be gentle and kind. For example, I consider it rude for anyone under 18 to address an adult by their first name (unless it's a relative). When a child called me by my first name, I simply asked them to call me Mrs. Hamaker instead. When a child says something rude to me, I meet their gaze head-on and say, "Please do not talk to me that way," in a conversational yet firm tone. Most children respond well to an authoritative adult who says exactly what she means without fluff or drama.
Now that we've addressed responses to rudeness from our kids or other children, how can you raise your kids and teens to be polite, well-mannered members of society? Here are my top four ideas.
Set clear expectations. Your children won't know what you expect unless you tell them, but too often, we muddy the waters with too much gunk, and they miss the central message. Be short and sweet in your expectations. For example, when going on a playdate, say something like, "Address Carla's mom as Mrs. Smith."
Practice public behavior. Getting your kids to behave in a store, at church, in a restaurant, and at the park takes practice. Do dry runs at home. I did this with my children to help them learn what I expected and to be able to remember it when we were out of our house.
Let them make mistakes. They will not do things perfectly, so expect some messiness as they learn how to be polite. This will help you not lose your cool when they aren't well-mannered. Remember, your child is capable of doing something truly despicable on any given day because of their sinful nature.
Focus on manners. Some people today have decided manners aren't important, but I strongly disagree. Manners matter because they provide guidelines for politeness. When we don't teach our children basic manners—holding doors for the person following them into a store, not rushing to get on the elevator first, waiting in line at the store, eating with our mouths closed—we are essentially saying only you matter, no one else does.
What manners should your children learn? Here are my top three categories.
- Table manners. How to eat with utensils, pass bowls around a table, use a napkin, and hold a conversation while eating—these things make mealtimes pleasant for everyone.
- Conversation manners. Not interrupting, waiting your turn to speak, how not to monopolize a conversation, and topics to discuss—these help a child gain confidence in her interactions with others.
- Waiting your turn. Learning to wait without fussing is an essential ingredient to learning and life. We all have to wait, so teaching our children how to do so graciously will smooth their path in life.
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Inside Creative House
Sarah Hamaker is a national speaker and award-winning author who loves writing romantic suspense books “where the hero and heroine fall in love while running for their lives.” She’s also a wife, mother of two teenagers and two college students, a therapeutic foster mom, and podcaster (The Romantic Side of Suspense podcast). She coaches writers, speakers and parents with an encouraging and commonsense approach. Visit her online at sarahhamakerfiction.com.